Mother is barely speaking to me wwyd?

[Biscuitsnotcookies]

NC to start this thread.

Background: I grew up as a black sheep in a sometimes very violent but always psychologically damaging household. My father did not want children, and lashed out at me frequently and violently, and said he hated us regularly. I don’t have a single memory of him hugging or smiling at me, or feeling anything but anger towards me. He just openly counted down to the day he could throw me out. I was on my own at the age of 16.

To this day he is not interested in either my brother or me. My brother was the golden child, so my mother shielded him from much of the violence, she did not do the same for me. As a result I have scars both inside and out.

My parents are still together, although I believe it is a mutually coercive and manipulative relationship. Almost transactional, I was only ever happy anywhere away from home as a child and spent most of my life outside. I learnt to make the best of things and lie low.

Fast forward to now. I have a family of my own, and we live around 3 hours from my parents.

When I had children of my own I realised how awful my own childhood was, and I moved away to provide a calm and happy childhood for my dc.

My mother took it very, very badly and has felt deep resentment ever since, saying I took her ‘grandchildren away from her’. Despite accepting it was a better life for them. In all honesty I wanted to keep them away from my toxic family as far as possible. Although initially we visited every three weeks, and I called my mother every day.

We had to stop seeing my father when he started to abuse my own children by calling them names and degrading them.

My mother felt I should tolerate him, for her sake, but I can’t as I fear he will make my dc anorexic (I am a recovered, as far as possible, anorexic myself, thanks to him) and ruin their self esteem at best. He has a nasty temper, and can blow up at the smallest thing. My dc haven’t seen him in over five years.

Up to a year ago we just saw my mother alone, and tired to continue a relationship of sorts. Last year she became quite abusive towards me, calling me names, blaming me for the family’s problems and always trying to make me feel I am not good enough/not doing enough.
She is angry I won’t play happy families and allow my father near my dc. It comes out in a million PA ways. She never stops reminding me of what I have done.

For the sake of keeping some relationship with her, i have tried to keep things light mostly, but I told her she has hurt me with the things she has said, and the name calling. She then proceeded to cut me off for six months, and stopped talking to me.altogether.

She did this before for nearly a year, she has form for giving me extended periods of silent treatment. This hurts me, as I feel abandoned and hurt, even though I am adult now. It makes me feel terrible. It’s my punishment it feels like.

Just before Christmas she got back in touch, as if nothing had happened. Expected me to visit her, bring presents and play along.

I felt too afraid to really challenge her as she just cuts me off the minute I say I am upset/hurt. So we haven’t discussed any of this in any detail, I am expected to gloss over it, she is pretending like nothing has happened, chatting about the weather and sending me gushing messages that she misses me and loves me more than life itself. It all feels very hollow.

I just feel so confused. She says she has a ‘phone phobia’ but I know that isn’t true as she speaks to her sister every single day. She also calls my brother. She just never calls me. Ever. She just refuses to engage properly, and just sends texts only talking mainly about the weather or her undying love for me.

I don’t know how to manage this relationship anymore.

It feels empty and pointless, superficial in many respects, but somehow I feel I must continue to make some effort with her as she is my mother, and is getting older. I feel so sad we have no real relationship. It just feels so upsetting and empty that it has come to this.

Mother’s Day is coming, and I’m already having sleepless nights about what to do.

I have panic attacks at the thought of driving to see her now or bumping into my father again. I don’t know what I would even say to her now.

What would you do in my place?

Why are you in touch with these people . They have been and are abusive . Break the cycle for your chikdren and leave them alone

There are so many parallels in your childhood to mine. I too only realised and accepted that my childhood and mother were abusive when I had my own children. The long periods of silence and pretending nothing happened when she feels like getting back in touch were a constant pattern, which made me feel horrible too. It's their way of maintaining control and I felt helpless.

It was only when behaviours started to creep in around my young son, that I realised I needed to make a stand. I put it off for so long as like you, I felt obligated, and also sad about the nature of my relationship with my mum. Truthfully I wanted it to be warm and loving, but she never allowed that. I live half an hour from her and so after one particular toxic meeting with her, in front of my son, I went no contact and have been for a year. Best decision I ever made. Yes it's been hard and it's impacted relationships with other family members, but it is truly so much better this way. I didn't realise the control she had over my moods, and now I don't wake up feeling anxious. I hadn't realised that my nervous system was deregulated all the time and that tightness in my chest wasn't normal.

Prior to going no contact, I was having counselling as I could tell it was coming. This was so so beneficial. If you haven't already considered this, it may be something that could help you. It is so healing and will give you strength to heal from your past and move forward for a better future.

I really do wish you well.

I just posted, but wanted to say I hadn't read the full thread before doing so - apologies! Waiting for the baby to sleep!

I can see you've had counselling, and again like you, mine focused on my acceptance of my mother snd the situation I was in. I spoke about 'hope' and it feeling like a bereavement, and honestly, it was not easy doing so and coming to terms with the fact things couldn't continue as they were. But once I processed it, which took a long time, and also came to terms with the consequences of going no contact, life on the other side is so so much better. I too am now no contact with my nan and brother as a result. It's a shame but is one of those things.

I am sorry you have been through this too, and others that have posted. I feel sad that our families can’t just look after each other, and enjoy life together. That it is so fleeting, and yet the opportunities are squandered and lost.

I have to remind myself that this is not what they want (happiness, love). Certainly my mother creates drama where there is none, so she can be the centre of attention again.
That for her the normal interactions and the connection is not enough.

The dysfunction is a choice,not an accident if you are an adult.

I am glad you are feeling relief, I know this process well having been cut off many times, and it is a mixed bag of feelings, I find holding my children close and looking at them steadies me when I wobble. Seeing their carefree spirit is carefree because I made damn sure to remove anyone that extinguishes their joy and natural confidence. It’s not an easy road, but in my experience eased in time somewhat (well it has with my father) I think about it far less or hardly ever. It’s a price worth paying for peace. Especially our children deserve not to be harmed and have the best start in life.

You are so impressive for moving away. You are stronger than you realise. Your parents let you down. Remember, none of this is your fault. Be free of them. You didn’t get the family you deserve as a child, but are trying to create a new happy life for your kids. Well done x

I think you need to imagine that the scared, sad little girl that you used to be is a separate person. Start talking to her as though she were one of your friends or one of your own kids. Once this starts to feel healing, you need to imagine telling that little girl that your mum is broken and can’t be fixed. Let her know that her mum won’t be able to change no matter what anyone says or does, but this doesn’t mean that she needs to tolerate this behaviour. The little girl CAN change how she chooses to react.
Telling your mother that you are prioritizing the needs and feelings of your own family and you are not available to be her whipping boy anymore. Every time she starts with the “woe is me/my kid is responsible for how my life turned out”, Tell her that she needs to reflect on how utterly ludicrous it is to blame a little child for everything in her life and you are too busy to entertain her while plays the old stuck record - and hang up.

@Biscuitsnotcookies OP why are you still in contact with a person who makes you break down continually? you have a loving family of your own. your children and your dh love you implicitly. you need to break the umbilical cord. just because she gave birth to you does not mean that she values you in any way. when I went no contact with my mother the stress immediately evaporated and I relaxed. I was so much less strained and it made it easier for my immediate family. they all understood what I had been going through.xxx

This has happened repeatedly for years every time I try to tell her how I feel.

This is part of the deal. You try to be honest with her about the abuse you suffered, she kicks off and goes into victim mode, you shut up and go away.

I think that while you are still looking to her for anything at all, including an apology or any recognition of what went on, she has some power and control. Which is how she likes it.

If you can accept that you are never going to get what you want out of your mother, or your father, and possibly the rest of your family while they remain locked into the dynamic, and stop approaching her for recognition, or being fooled into dropping your guard, because you're still holding hope that she's surely not like this, surely no mother is like this? It must be you that's "bad" not her and if you can just appeal to her better nature......

But she doesn't have one, there is no happy ending other than the one where you let her do what she wants to do, and you go ahead and focus on your family and do what you want to do. And if that means not having them in your life, than that is what you do. You don't need to explain this, or get her agreement, or understanding. It's something you decide, and do, because that's the direction that feels true and more peaceful for you. That's the way to go.

Gosh I can relate to first paragraph so well

Mate, sounds like an absolute toxic mess. I’m not even sure how you’re still calling it a ‘relationship’. You’ve done more than enough to try to keep the peace, and all it’s got you is anxiety and more abuse. If it’s this bad, why keep going?

Honestly, I’d block them both for good. They’ve caused you nothing but misery—why carry on with it? Cut your losses and go get yourself some therapy or support so you can let go of the resentment and focus on your own family’s wellbeing. You don’t owe them a relationship, especially not if it’s going to damage you and your kids. Get your own head sorted, protect your children, and move on with a clearer conscience. You deserve better, plain and simple.

"The dysfunction is a choice,not an accident if you are an adult."

Thats not at all true BTW. We are all products of our upbringing and that continues for our entire life. Fact is they will never change because of anythign you do. Ditch them now

You know she's going to make you look awful, so own it.

Say "Yes, I'm horrible, but I've learned from the best, hey?"

Don't tell her that she's hurt you. It will never work. When she is in victim mode, roll your eyes and say "Oh here we go again." With an exaggerated sigh.

Practice indifference. Read up on Gray Rock.

You have to try to let whatever she says roll off you like water from a duck's back. Easier said than done, I know.

But, tbh, what you should do is cut her off. You are worth so much more than what they are giving. If it's easier to wait for her to go silent again, then so be it. But the next time, just block all their numbers, mourn them like they are actually dead and build a beautiful life without them.

For survival sake I would have to put myself and my family first and withdraw completely, blocking all avenues of communication. Not that that would be easy, however it is better than the alternative.

@Biscuitsnotcookies I have only read your posts so please excuse me if I am saying the same as everyone else. I found your original post a most heartbreaking read.

In some families, particularly abusive ones, the burden of family shame is heaped upon one person. That way nobody else has to acknowledge or feel their own. It sounds like in your family that person is you. Your mother needs you more than you need her, in order to protect herself from facing up to herself, her own shame, pain etc. She is therefore compelled to keep pulling you back in. Whatever method that takes. Sadly, it isn’t out of the love and affection which you so desire and deserve. The possibility of this changing is so remote that it is not worth waiting for and wasting your life with. You can’t fix her as she has her survival technique already and that is projecting everything onto you. As long as she can keep you hooked in, she doesn’t need to change.

You are the amazing and brave survivor of their abuse and the much loved mother of well balanced children. Don’t let your parents take any more from you. You deserve to get the enjoyment, love and pleasure from the life that you have built for yourself.

@Biscuitsnotcookies I am so impressed that you have been able to show the love and support and protection for your children that was not shown to you. I recommend you find a therapist who is experienced in inner child work so you can learn to comfort, heal and love the little you as well as you have lover your own children.

You may also find that with a therapist you can have a dialogue that you should have been able to have with your parents that acknowledges the wrong they have done you. This can be very healing. You will not be able to access all the things you need from your mother but you can learn to give them to yourself.
you express yourself beautifully and have great insight into the dynamics of the relationship with your mother. Good luck and courage in finding a therapist to take you on the rest of your journey to peace, love and freedom.

Good luck and courage.

Lots of good posts on this thread.

OP, you are so self aware and insightful. I'm sure you would know exactly what to do if this was happening to someone else.

What age are your kids? Are they older teens? My kids were surprisingly good at talking things through with me. Can you ask for help from your husband and kids?

If you go extremely low contact or no contact you will slowly get used to it. It will take a while but it would become normal.

Are there any issues about an inheritance. Nobody dare admit it in real life but sometimes it must be worth putting up with some amount of shite if there is a massive payout.

Your parents are both toxic, in different forms. Them being in your life is no benefit to you, and is actually causing you more stress and anxiety. Your parents aren't the parents you want them to be, and never will be. Honestly, I would cut contact with both of them, change your phone number if you need too. You owe neither of them zilch. I would strongly suggest you seek some therapy, you have been through a lot and I think it would do you good. If you work, many employers offer an Employees Assistance Program, so you may be able to access therapy through that.

The day I went NC with my narcissistic abusive mother was one of utter relief. I reached the point when I realised I couldn’t let her do to my children the things she had done to me.
I don’t miss it and I don’t miss her.

You say you would have no family whatsoever but your husband and children are your family.

Do what I did go no contact. Block her phone number and start to heal

I had schema therapy for childhood trauma. It was wonderful. It helped me look at my responses that were ingrained as a child, and slowly change them to healthy adult ones. I could look back at little me with empathy, love and care, realising that no-one of the issues were my fault, as I was just a child with no control.

I've now taken charge of my own life, left people pleasing and guilt behind me as a fully fledged adult. I've also left several family members behind.

You can do this, because you deserve good things, love and care, which you get in spades from the family you've created. They're the important ones.