To not have invited my friend’s girlfriend to the wedding?

[PlusOneThousand]

We sent out wedding invitations a month ago for our wedding in the early summer. A friend of mine (and now my partner’s) of around a decade has been invited, but his girlfriend, whom he’s been with for approx 2 years, has not. The rationale is that I’ve never actually met her - I see him quite regularly but she always makes excuses or drops out at the last minute. This must’ve happened on around 10 occasions, so I stopped asking and she’s never made any effort. They don’t live together. Our friendship has changed a bit as a result and I do see him less often but we still have a good time when we do.

Onto the wedding… my wedding is not small but we have struggled a bit with numbers and also had a mental rule that while there may be some instances where one of us had not met a guest, if neither bride nor groom had met the +1, we were minded not to invite them unless there were extenuating circumstances.

My friend is actually fine with this and was very understanding - and I said if we got some declines and there was space I’d consider inviting GF closer to the time.

Apparently the woman is so incensed by the lack of invite that there’s no point even inviting her later. She is completely outraged because he was invited as a +1 to a wedding of her friend’s (who I obviously don’t know! Not sure how it’s relevant). So - was I BU to not invite her?

For a good friend of 10 years, I would have definitely have invited their partner, If she declined, you'd have at least done the right thing for your good friend. All you've done now by being petty, because she hasn't met you as you feel she should have, is to burn a bridge you may end up regretting. There really was no reason not to invite her, other than a petty/judgemental one, but it's is what it is now.
There can be no pretense anymore so I'd be interested in the fallout after the wedding on the friendship. Your friend may indicate all is ok now but it isn't likely to stay that way afterwards 🤷‍♀️

Someone very plain does feel intimidated by others who are clearly not remotely like them by the way. They feel they are being judged.

What are the others supposed to do about it, though? They don't know what's going on in this person's head. They're not responsible for how she feels.

Her reaction is prob a reflection of how secure she feels in the relationship, and her beef with the bf. Why is he telling you she’s so cross, seems odd to me.

Someone is stirring the pot if it was not your friend that told you she was upset. If she CBA to meet you during the two years they’ve been dating then she doesn’t get to take a space away from someone you do want to share your wedding with.

I go to weddings by myself even if I get a plus one as my husband hates weddings and socialising so I say use it on someone else.

He probably met her friend before the friends wedding.

I think YABU. A couple is a social unit.

I think it's a little weird for her to be incensed about it, and for that information to have been passed on to you, but I'd have invited her. I'm in the US so maybe customs are different, but whether or not I've met her, I'd consider a guest and their partner of two years to be a social unit, rather than a +1. We did have a small wedding but we invited couples together regardless of our relationship or lack their of with our guests' significant others. We gave +1's to some single guests to bring a date for a few situations; single members of the bridal party as a courtesy or guests that were traveling and didn't know other people who'd been invited.

ugh thereof*

Clearly not that much of a unit given the OP still hasn't met her. 😄

OP isn't relevant to their relationship. What is relevant is ensuring partners of your friends' are invited to your social events. It's about OP's friend as an invitee.

Exactly this she seems like hard work! My BIL and SIL had a v small wedding too, only 8 people. I had been with my now husband around 6months and was moving in with him, but wasnt invited. It was an intimate wedding and I was a newish partner. If neither of them had met the GF it makes total sense.

She's relevant when it's her wedding! No one is owed an invitation to someone else's wedding.

In any case OP has invited the girlfriend on numerous previous social occasions and she's always made an excuse or bailed so OP has stopped asking. Now it's a wedding and suddenly she's desperate to be invited having made no effort for the past 2 years. Nah, you're alright love, you can fuck right off.

It is if you want to be a good host to your guests who are in a relationship. That's the end of the story really.

Why would OP give a monkey's about being a good host to someone who has actively avoided her for 2 years? This couple don't have kids together, they don't live together. Their relationship might last, it might not but at this stage she's effectively just a girlfriend. No one is obliged to ask every single guest's boyfriend or girlfriend to their wedding.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Weddings are tricky from a logistics and finance perspective; and people need to draw the line somewhere. This is perfectly fine etiquette wise and as you say, they are not married and do not live together. You have not met her.

It’s unfortunate if her feelings are hurt though, that’s difficult for her boyfriend who’s in the middle and likely for you and your fiancé too. If someone declines / drops out I would still extend an invitation as you said you would. It’s an offer of friendship and an offer to move on which she can either accept or not.

Whatever happens this should be a special day and I hope you can focus on that - congrats!