To not have invited my friend’s girlfriend to the wedding?

[PlusOneThousand]

We sent out wedding invitations a month ago for our wedding in the early summer. A friend of mine (and now my partner’s) of around a decade has been invited, but his girlfriend, whom he’s been with for approx 2 years, has not. The rationale is that I’ve never actually met her - I see him quite regularly but she always makes excuses or drops out at the last minute. This must’ve happened on around 10 occasions, so I stopped asking and she’s never made any effort. They don’t live together. Our friendship has changed a bit as a result and I do see him less often but we still have a good time when we do.

Onto the wedding… my wedding is not small but we have struggled a bit with numbers and also had a mental rule that while there may be some instances where one of us had not met a guest, if neither bride nor groom had met the +1, we were minded not to invite them unless there were extenuating circumstances.

My friend is actually fine with this and was very understanding - and I said if we got some declines and there was space I’d consider inviting GF closer to the time.

Apparently the woman is so incensed by the lack of invite that there’s no point even inviting her later. She is completely outraged because he was invited as a +1 to a wedding of her friend’s (who I obviously don’t know! Not sure how it’s relevant). So - was I BU to not invite her?

But at a wedding you don’t get to hang out with the newlyweds so it’s a very different in a wedding setting. He knows 5 others, but are they all single too?

YANBU. The friend’s girlfriend coming would have bumped someone else off the guest list, for one thing.

She does not live with him and he knows several other people who will be there.

But what really made me side with you is that she’s basically snubbed you and your husband nearly a dozen times and never deigned to meet you two in the whole two years she’s been with him. And you say she often cancels at the last minute.

She doesn’t deserve the spot that someone who with any actual interest in the bride and groom could have, nor the opportunity to blow you off at the last minute again after you’ve paid for her nasty self’s attendance.

I think her throwing a tantrum over it is hilarious. I’d enjoy it! 🤣

3 are singles, one is a couple

Our wedding was extremely traditional. No partner invited unless there was an engagement or they had been together for a long time and knew both of us… It was not a finance thing (there was no budget and about 200 people in all) but I wasn’t asking my parents to spend hundreds of pounds pp on people I didn’t know.

It's your wedding, so it's your choice.

My choice would be to invite people as a couple, or with a plus one if they were single. I have been invited to a few weddings over the years as a single person and I never really enjoyed going on my own.

I do understand about the photos. On the couple of occasions I have gone as a plus one, I avoided the photos, apart from the big group one.

So you weren't unreasonable at all, but it's not what I would do.

The 'incensed' description comes from the friend, not the girlfriend (I assume, since you have never met). He might be exaggerating her reaction.

This is true. And it doesn’t come directly from him, but from another of our friends (who is coming as a singleton), so potential for additional exaggeration.

@TeenLifeMum

Going to a wedding without a plus 1 shit. Honestly, who would want to do that?

Adults who are capable of going to work alone, seeing friends alone, having a good time on their own?

I've been to loads of weddings alone and had a fun time. It's actually usually better especially if it's your friends so you don't have to worry about babysitting the social inadequates who can't manage alone.

It's only on mumsnet where I've seen that couples don't invite plus ones to weddings. I have never been to a wedding where that is the case, the exception being if it's a work colleague and a group is invited collectively.
I think it's very odd and I wouldn't be happy if this was the case for my partner. I think you could have been the bigger person and invited her. Why bring unnecessary drama to your big day? If he was such a good friend, you should have invited her.

If your partner has gone out if their way to repeatedly snub the bride and groom, would you still be upset if he wasn't invited?

If so, wouldn't that be a completely ridiculous attitude to have?

In this case, as the GF has gone out of her way not to meet you, you didn't do anything wrong, and too bad if her nose was put out of joint.

Generally though I think it's nice to offer a plus one to single guests.

Aren’t you putting the male friend in a difficult position? I would not want to stay friends with someone who doesn’t recognise my partner or girlfriend. Some people might not be overly friendly in new situations but she’s the girlfriend of a good friend. I’d never go as a guest substitute and I’d be amazed if she accepted such an offer.

I've only seen it on here not giving a plus one, he's a long standing friend, whether you've met her or not you'd give him a plus one.

IMO it's impolite to have snubbed her given they are in a 'significant' relationship. The only time it wouldn't be rude would be if no one had plus ones. It doesn't bode well for your friendship with her going forward (or him if they end up getting married!).

Exactly this. Please don’t let this stuff get to you, enjoy the rest of the wedding planning and your wedding itself. Congrats x

It's in the OP that they don't live together. Just boyfriend and girlfriend.

Expecting to attend complete strangers wedding is really weird.

I’d assume that with her previous behaviour she has been looking for any excuse to resent you. I’d leave that hanging as his problem to deal with.

So you’ve never been to a wedding or other event, as a plus one before?

It's just good manners to invite someone's partner - it doesn't matter whether you've ever met them.

It absolutely does matter they have really made a point of refusing to meet you.

I suppose nobody does have plus ones though. Thinking about it, in every case where there’s a couple we are either friends with them both or have socialised with the partner on quite a few occasions. Everyone was a named guest, nobody was “plus one”.

You’ve done the right thing. She has avoided you for two years, despite your efforts. Why would she think she was entitled to come and eat and drink at your expense? Why would she want to celebrate your wedding, she’s worked so hard not to know you?! Your friend is chill, he gets it, think no more of it.

Bet those 5 other guests have plus 1s right?
Whether you have met her or not , he will probably feel very out of place without a plus 1. This is about your friendship with him not tit for tat with her.

I'm getting married next year OP with a wedding of 55 guests and have taken the exact same approach as you. I have a group of 7 close friends, and I'm not close with their partners. If I did include their plus ones it would mean that 7 people cannot come who I would love to be there and see regularly. I wouldn't consider leaving anyone on their own, but if your guest has other friends there it's no big deal at all.

Three are coming as singles, one is a couple and we know them both.