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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have invited my friend’s girlfriend to the wedding?

140 replies

PlusOneThousand · 24/02/2025 17:01

We sent out wedding invitations a month ago for our wedding in the early summer. A friend of mine (and now my partner’s) of around a decade has been invited, but his girlfriend, whom he’s been with for approx 2 years, has not. The rationale is that I’ve never actually met her - I see him quite regularly but she always makes excuses or drops out at the last minute. This must’ve happened on around 10 occasions, so I stopped asking and she’s never made any effort. They don’t live together. Our friendship has changed a bit as a result and I do see him less often but we still have a good time when we do.

Onto the wedding… my wedding is not small but we have struggled a bit with numbers and also had a mental rule that while there may be some instances where one of us had not met a guest, if neither bride nor groom had met the +1, we were minded not to invite them unless there were extenuating circumstances.

My friend is actually fine with this and was very understanding - and I said if we got some declines and there was space I’d consider inviting GF closer to the time.

Apparently the woman is so incensed by the lack of invite that there’s no point even inviting her later. She is completely outraged because he was invited as a +1 to a wedding of her friend’s (who I obviously don’t know! Not sure how it’s relevant). So - was I BU to not invite her?

OP posts:
Tiredofallthis101 · 25/02/2025 00:08

I wouldn't waste your energy on her, YANBU. She sounds like a rude and entitled person not to recognise she's made zero effort with you and many people don't offer plus ones. It's not a jolly for all and sundry, it's a celebration of your love to include your friends and family, neither of which she is. Sure some traditional people might do plus ones or for very large weddings, but you can't get pissy if someone doesn't. Ignore and go with your original plan of offering an invite subject to space.

Reugny · 25/02/2025 00:21

YANBU

You have tried to meet her for 2 years and she has refused every time.

So she has decided she doesn't want to mix with her bf mates, so no point inviting her.

Gravytanned · 25/02/2025 06:23

I find the expected plus 1 thing so weird. I think I've been to one wedding ever where there was +1 on the invitation (rather than a known and named guest).

I did invite a few partners of people who I hadn't met but they were living together/married and established. I hadn't met them because the opportunity hadn't arisen not because they'd refused to.

So I'm with the OP in not wanting randoms at their wedding and especially people who've gone out of their way to not meet them.

The only exception I'd make to a +1 is if someone was coming who didn't know anyone else.

I've been to weddings on my own where my longstanding partner/husband wasn't invited. One an evening do (the horror!) and I had a group of friends there.

I went to one recently where I was surprised he was invited as he'd only met the couple once. I'd have been more than happy to go alone.

It's fine, I'm able to socialise without my partner.

Original poster
PlusOneThousand · 25/02/2025 07:35

Gravytanned · 25/02/2025 06:23

I find the expected plus 1 thing so weird. I think I've been to one wedding ever where there was +1 on the invitation (rather than a known and named guest).

I did invite a few partners of people who I hadn't met but they were living together/married and established. I hadn't met them because the opportunity hadn't arisen not because they'd refused to.

So I'm with the OP in not wanting randoms at their wedding and especially people who've gone out of their way to not meet them.

The only exception I'd make to a +1 is if someone was coming who didn't know anyone else.

I've been to weddings on my own where my longstanding partner/husband wasn't invited. One an evening do (the horror!) and I had a group of friends there.

I went to one recently where I was surprised he was invited as he'd only met the couple once. I'd have been more than happy to go alone.

It's fine, I'm able to socialise without my partner.

I actually also don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding with “plus ones”, always named guests.

OP posts:
Garlicgarlicgarlic · 25/02/2025 09:17

Snowmanscarf · 24/02/2025 21:35

So you’ve never been to a wedding or other event, as a plus one before?

Show quote history

Nope, only ones I'm obligated to attend, where I actually know and like the hosts.
'plus one' is pretty dated now, it costs so much per guest why would anyone want to pay for a complete stranger (in this case a stranger who has no interest in OP) to attend the most important day of their life?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 25/02/2025 09:45

Or a stranger who wants to be invited so that they can drop out later 😂

healthybychristmas · 25/02/2025 09:57

The reason you haven't met her is because she doesn't want to meet you so why on earth would you invite her to your wedding?

damnedifyoudoandsoon · 25/02/2025 20:20

Honestly I did this. And I regret it.
I totally understand it, and personally I always feel privileged to be invited to a wedding at any stage.

One of our best friends (and my husbands best man) had a new girlfriend mid wedding planning stage we
Decided not to invite her to our destination wedding judt the party at home afte.- I didn't want her in my small wedding pics as I thought it was going to be a short term fling. She was livid and has never agreed to socialise with us since, they have stayed together in the following decade, and whilst I still think she was unreasonable
Not us it has damaged our brilliant friendship with the best man. So for that reason I wish I had just let her come (although I suspect she would have found something else to hate us for!!)

Kahless · 25/02/2025 20:30

TizerorFizz · 24/02/2025 17:08

You should have invited her. 2 years isn’t 2 months. My now DH would have said no to you if you had not invited me. You invite her because you respect him. Whether you have met her is besides the point. In the circumstances I’d not come off the subs bench to make up the numbers. I’d be booking a very nice day out for myself.

Why, I wouldn't invite strangers to my wedding.

Wherearethewaves · 25/02/2025 20:45

Put all the 'rules' listed here aside- it's your day so you can celebrate in any way that suits you- if you don't want to invite her (and I wouldn't either if someone had repeatedly turned down invites to meet) that's absolutely fine. Lots of people seem fixated by convention (but 'rules' vary from person to person and family to family, as well demonstrated by the replies here, so you'll never keep everyone happy anyway!), but seem to forget that it's not a summons that you get for a wedding- it's an invitation. One that you can gratefully accept, or politely decline...

HelloCheekyCat · 25/02/2025 20:54

People.talk about the girlfriend being snubbed but she's snubbed OP and her partner for 2 years (Andy the rest of the friendship group by the sounds of it) so where are her manners???.

Bloom15 · 25/02/2025 20:58

I think YABU - because I think inviting anyone to the day time event is a bit shot. I invited all day guests with a plus one - single or not, and whether I knew who they were being or not.

Original poster
PlusOneThousand · 25/02/2025 21:01

Bloom15 · 25/02/2025 20:58

I think YABU - because I think inviting anyone to the day time event is a bit shot. I invited all day guests with a plus one - single or not, and whether I knew who they were being or not.

What do you mean by this sorry? My wedding starts at 3pm and will go until the wee hours, all guests are invited for all of it. There’s no day/evening guest split.

OP posts:
Letty186 · 25/02/2025 21:04

My then boyfriend wasn’t invited to my cousins wedding after we’d been together 17 months and I was upset. They’d not met him due to distance as we lived 2 hours apart and he worked weekends in retail which was when we met up, we didn’t live together. If it hadn’t been my cousin, I would have declined the invitation, I hate going to weddings alone. We’ve been together 24 years now, so it was the beginning of something long term.

However, I’m a great believer in your day your way and it’s up to the guest to decline the invite if they’re not comfortable. For us everyone had a +1 invite even if we didn’t know them, but that was how we wanted our day to be.

Personally I would extend an invite if one becomes available, this appears to be a good friend to you both and it may be a way of building some form of relationship with his partner if she’s going to be around.

Bloom15 · 25/02/2025 21:06

@PlusOneThousand We had day guests and then a few more came at night. I just think all guests should have a plus 1 as it is a bit rubbish to attend all all day thing on your own (not necessarily with a romantic partner), when most others are in couples.

It is your day and she needs to respect that but I just think not inviting guest plus one is a bit off.

Enjoy your day though!

Ohwhydidntijustkeepmymouthshut · 25/02/2025 21:08

We will be the fourth couple in our friendship group to get married and none have invited ‘+1s’ it’s named guests only. I think it’s dated and works out expensive when paying per head. Especially if they are likely to cancel last minute.
I wouldn’t want anyone there iv never met and definitely anyone who I don’t think is ‘happy for us’ and I don’t think she is.
why does she want to come anyway if she clearly doesn’t like spending time with you?

Lurkingonmn · 25/02/2025 21:41

We had some family members insisting other family members be invited to our wedding etc. My partner had been married previously. A lot if these relatives were invited to and attended his first wedding and that was the last time he saw them- 10 years before our wedding.
We had a rule to address these issues. We only invited people to our wedding and reception if we had both seen them in the last 12 months. We still had 100 guests because the friends and family that were there are people we actually regularly spent time with 😱
My parents said if we didn't want to invite anyone on their sides of the family they'd happily deal with them if there was an issue as it was our day.
It is your wedding for you and people who are important to you.

Mamabear487 · 25/02/2025 21:44

I see your logic behind it as I’m getting married in September and the guest list is stressful BUT it’s your close friend and that’s the partner so I would have made a different decision and not been petty about it.

Scottishskifun · 25/02/2025 21:55

We did the same as you when we got married we did put a thing in the invite that we couldn't have everyone but if people wanted a plus 1 then to get in contact and we could see what the numbers were doing.
None of our friends had an issue with this bar 1 of DHs who was incensed apparently. We explained we preferred to celebrate with more friends but understood if she didn't want to come. Our other friend pointed out anyone who she would bring as a plus 1 was also invited to the wedding....... she did come in the end but I wished she hadn't as she made little digs and comments everytime she spoke to me. Turns out she was annoyed I married DH as she thought he would see sense 😂 safe to say not a friend anymore!

squashgummies · 25/02/2025 21:59

Snowmanscarf · 24/02/2025 17:27

i was expecting you to say they’d been together a couple of months, not two years! I think two years is a significant relationship (are they living together?) and warrants an invite.

Agreed.

Bonbon249 · 25/02/2025 23:10

You do know that if she does deign to come, she'll be wearing white!

NattyTurtle59 · 25/02/2025 23:15

I wouldn't dream of inviting a friend to a wedding and not their long term partner. YABVU.

TizerorFizz · 25/02/2025 23:44

@Kahless You invite her because she’s the long standing girlfriend of a good friend. As she’s not part of a schoolfriend or university group or work group, she’s a significant partner of a good friend. My DD has been to weddings where she’s never met the groom. It’s not about who you have met, it’s the status as the girlfriend. It’s about sharing your day and not being selfish.

Gravytanned · 26/02/2025 06:40

TizerorFizz · 25/02/2025 23:44

@Kahless You invite her because she’s the long standing girlfriend of a good friend. As she’s not part of a schoolfriend or university group or work group, she’s a significant partner of a good friend. My DD has been to weddings where she’s never met the groom. It’s not about who you have met, it’s the status as the girlfriend. It’s about sharing your day and not being selfish.

Selfish? Sorry but that's ridiculous and if there's a day you can be selfish I think it's on your own wedding day!

They've tried to meet this woman, she's avoided every opportunity which is frankly fucking rude. Why on earth should the couple spend a fortune accommodating her when she can't even be arsed to pop round for a glass of wine with them.

talktalk66 · 26/02/2025 07:10

DrawerHandle · 24/02/2025 17:26

I understand your logic, but I would have definitely invited a partner of two years. I did so at our wedding and have no regrets. We decided who we wanted at our wedding, and then downscaled and chose the venue according to that rather then the other way round. I know that is probably unusual.

We invited single people with a plus one, saying it could be anybody from a partner or friend to a relative. Just so they would not be on their own. Work colleagues excepted as they were a group anyway.

This is the perfect way to do it, good on you! I think that weddings ARE as much about the guests and looking after their needs, as well as the couple's needs. You wouldn't have that type of wedding without the guests. I see them like an audience that need to be looked after well. It makes for a great wedding.