To not have invited my friend’s girlfriend to the wedding?

[PlusOneThousand]

We sent out wedding invitations a month ago for our wedding in the early summer. A friend of mine (and now my partner’s) of around a decade has been invited, but his girlfriend, whom he’s been with for approx 2 years, has not. The rationale is that I’ve never actually met her - I see him quite regularly but she always makes excuses or drops out at the last minute. This must’ve happened on around 10 occasions, so I stopped asking and she’s never made any effort. They don’t live together. Our friendship has changed a bit as a result and I do see him less often but we still have a good time when we do.

Onto the wedding… my wedding is not small but we have struggled a bit with numbers and also had a mental rule that while there may be some instances where one of us had not met a guest, if neither bride nor groom had met the +1, we were minded not to invite them unless there were extenuating circumstances.

My friend is actually fine with this and was very understanding - and I said if we got some declines and there was space I’d consider inviting GF closer to the time.

Apparently the woman is so incensed by the lack of invite that there’s no point even inviting her later. She is completely outraged because he was invited as a +1 to a wedding of her friend’s (who I obviously don’t know! Not sure how it’s relevant). So - was I BU to not invite her?

I totally get your decision process and I respect it

Personally I would have just invited the partner of 2 years - more out of respect for my friendship and my friend.

Yes I do think modern brides can be selfish. All the rhetoric is about your day, your wants, you being the centre of attention. It’s all me me me. I prefer a less bride centric view where significant partners are included. It’s just a polite acknowledgment of who she is. If she says no, then so be it. Has her partner agreed to come? It just makes angst where there didn’t need to be any. I would advise my DDs to invite partners and they have an inclusive outlook anyway.

He is adamant he is coming. I don’t think it’s all about me and have tried very much to be inclusive (realise you won’t know this as there’s much more detail to the wedding than solely this)! But… also I’m paying for it. He often socialises on his own. She’s refused to meet us. I’ve not been to weddings where people get “+1” and not named guest.

Usually I would say that a partner of two years should be invited but this girl has been a 'no show' on many occasions according the OP. Numbers are always tight at weddings - what if she accepts an invitation then doesn't turn up!

Your friend has stirred the pot by telling you that she is in a rage over not being invited so go save any more drama I would withdraw his invitation.

Your wedding day needs to be drama free.

Nope there's not a single reason to invite her, she never bothered to attend your meetings so why should she get to have fun at your party

Folks going on about wedding etiquette is all well and good, you should invite plus ones, they've been together 2 years blah blah blah!

But what about friendship etiquette? This woman has made no effort whatsoever in getting to know her boyfriend's friends for 2 years! Where's her etiquette towards her own boyfriend to make an effort with friends he's known for years and years?
She's been invited on nights out, get together etc and for 2 years has either said no or bowed out at the last minute!

No way in hell does that behaviour get rewarded with being invited to a wedding of people SHE has made no effort with where her presence actually needs to be paid for by the very same people she has snubbed for 2 years!!

I would agree with you. A girlfriend of over 2 years, surely gets the +1? I actually think it's rude to exclude her, but the decision has been made.

She is not plus one. You know her name!! You know who she is. If her partner is coming on his own, what’s all the fuss about? Just move on and be happy you have saved some money and you are content with your decision. Obviously you are not going to care what she thinks so why worry about it. You are not going to change anything now.

Yes, I would agree with this, it's done now.

I find the notion that guests are “rewarded” by being invited to a wedding somewhat bizarre. I’m sure many of us get a wedding invitation and check our diaries and think of what else we could have done and then we think of the expense. I don’t often feel rewarded! Most are too long and boring. However my DD is more generous than me and has been to 27 weddings so far and she’s early 30s.

Yes, it's odd. It seems that some brides (and grooms) do think they're bestowing an honour by inviting you! You're sharing their special day at their invitation.

It's certainly no ruder than she has already been.

A girlfriend of over 2 years, yes, who in thise two years has said over and over again: I do not want to even meet you, let alone make friends with you. And now she's upset at not being invited to the wedding, and half of MN agrees with her?
Madness. Absolute insanity. What next, I didn't invite someone who actually spat in my face, am.i rude..MN, yes, she's his plus one!!
Loons.

Not entirely sure I believe the dialogue about not meeting. Had she other events on? Was there a clash? She’s still with her boyfriend so maybe she’s uncomfortable around the bride? After 2 years together I guess this guy leads two lives: one with his girlfriend and one with the bride and that set of friends. Plus how does the op know she’s upset if there’s no contact? Via the boyfriend? I think he’s advocated for her. Not everyone can be mates with everyone else and what was she invited to? Something she would just hate and feel out of place going? Maybe she’s very insecure. Anyway she knows where she stands!

How can you be uncomfortable around someone you've never met, exactly?

@OrangeYaGlad Because you have heard about them? You have been invited to a karaoke evening and you are utterly shy? You don’t spend money on clothes but the others have bling, lip fillers and false eyelashes? They drink like fishes and you don’t drink at all. Loads of reasons to think why you might not gel. Not saying this is the case here.

However I was very wary of meeting DHs university friends. They had degrees. I didn’t. They had great jobs, I didn’t. They had a long history of in jokes and stories about university, I didn’t. They had had group holidays before I met DH and I knew I was totally out of the loop. It felt daunting and it was. I didn’t have anything in common with any of them. 50 years on and we all get on well. I did see them eventually but it took some courage and DH wanted me to meet them. I guess the boyfriend in this case is ambivalent and should have brokered a suitable meeting. He’s not bothered about her and his other friends at all.

Nah, that's balls, sorry. You can't claim to be uncomfortable around someone you've never met because they have false eyelashes and you don't. That's you being judgemental,not uncomfortable.

And even if that was true, if you have prejudged them to the point you have refused to meet them ten times, how can you possibly be upset at them not Inviting you to their wedding? You've already decided you don't like them and can't be around them, yet you expect to be part of a huge event in their lives? Ridiculous.

I think I’d have understood a clash once or twice, but these were not big events — dinners at the types of restaurants he has told us she likes in which he had input into the date and we said we’d like to meet her and was she free, a small group catch up, drinks at his flat. Drinks with just him, me and my fiancé and not the wider group. I honestly think you’re bending over backwards to defend someone who’s not put in a jot of effort. I am extremely low key and very much not scary. Even if I were a scary monster, she’s an adult woman in her 30s.

But, as you say, it’s all rather academic now.

If friend feels comfortable attending all the social events without his partner for the last 2 years as she hasn’t wanted to go then why wouldn’t he be comfortable at the wedding?
If GF hasn’t wanted to meet the couple on a quiet night out why does she want to go meet their entire family and friends?
if this was just another night out she wouldn’t want to go.

Yes. It is. What does her boyfriend think? Why didn’t he make more effort? He’s a bit of a wuss in this scenario really.

Someone very plain does feel intimidated by others who are clearly not remotely like them by the way. They feel they are being judged.

But that’s not the situation here - we’re both adults, over 30, professional jobs, degrees, from near London, some shared interests. We’re not that different. I didn’t judge her at all, I do now. I agree the boyfriend hasn’t tried hard enough.

Will they be there with partners?

One will, the others not

At best she isn't bothered about meeting you; at worst she actively avoids you (which is implied by her repeatedly dropping out at the last minute when the opportunity to meet you arises). So in effect she is just upset/cross to miss out on a wedding, it's nothing to do with meeting you. I would be giving this zero headspace @PlusOneThousand, of course you don't need to invite her!

FWIW one of my DDs is getting married this year. She is planning and paying for it all herself so she is also in charge of the guest list. Would she fuck be inviting someone she has never met and who has made it very clear isn't interested in meeting her. In this instance the length of time they had been together would be totally irrelevant because the girlfriend is not wanting any sort of friendship with the OP.

Why do you keep saying plus one? She's not , you know her name.
I think you're happy with your decision, so just crack on and enjoy your day.