Family holiday

[Aliceinwonder1]

Hi, my parents are keen to go on a big family holiday with me and my husband/2 kids, my sister and her family (3 kids) and also my brother and his family (2 kids). I wonder what the norm is in terms of cost with this as we've done UK weekends here and there but never an abroad holiday. Reason I ask is my mum has said she wants to go to one particular country as short flight etc (kids all similar age and youngest is currently 5) and wants to go during school holidays. 2 couples wouldn't be restricted to this so don't necessarily want to pay the very high cost during school holidays. However my mum is adamant it's happening and this is when/where...I feel that you can only dictate that if paying (we'd all be paying for ourselves) as it would be everyone's holiday. My sister is saying we just need to make it happen and my brother is on the fence but also won't want to pay stupidly high prices.
What's the general consensus here though?

"I'm getting fed up with being labelled constantly"

Think about that word constantly.
So you are always labelled when you don't fall in with orders, whatever you do.
That's the way she gets you to do things you don't want to do.

You've already been labelled on this. Going along with it won't change that.
So you have nothing to lose.

My mum tends to prioritise my sister's needs too and I know they'd have had many conversations about where my sister is willing to fly to etc as she has the youngest kids, when etc. So yes there are holidays cheaper however they will not be considered but we will be the difficult ones which is fine as we're used to it but can be difficult not to feel bad when it's being piled on by siblings as well as parents. I am fine saying we won't spend it but get frustrated with the aftermath.

I would do a big family holiday for the kids as think they'd have an amazing time however as an adult I do prefer holidays the 4 of us as I'm quite an introvert and like to chill when using annual leave as it's precious!

I’ve found that difficult people are the first to label others difficult. It’s basically code for “you aren’t doing what I want”. And I’m fine with them thinking I’m “difficult” in that case, embrace the label, spare your back from all the bending over and save your money for a holiday you might have a hope in hell of relaxing on

I’d go online or call a travel agents ask for a price on the date your mother wants and an on term date for your own family .
Then sit with husband and see if any or both of the costs are doable . Then the next stage is do you actually want to go ?
If the answer is no then don’t .
I wouldn’t be told I was going on holiday , when and at what cost .

£10500 to Turkey??? Wow. Is it a 5 star resort, height of season?

Genuinely interested. I've planned a long haul trip and was freaking out about costs but it's come out as less than this.

Just say no Mum, it's not happening as it's too expensive and we can't afford it.

Anyway if she's that immovable before you even get there, it sounds like the holiday would be a nightmare anyway.

Why don't you find a holiday that you and your brother would be happy to go on and then invite the others?

If you’re going to get piled on by siblings etc too then simply grey rock it when it’s thrown at you. Don’t feed them with excuses or apologies do they can keep digging in, just shut it back down:

“it’s so annoying you couldn’t find the money”
“yes, I know you’re disappointed. Have you booked any excursions?”

“I can’t believe you aren’t coming”
“yes - are you looking forward to it?”

Just deflect and defuse. Failing that maybe go with the “gosh I didn’t realise how much you needed me there to enjoy a holiday, you seem quite stressed by my absence, how flattering!?” “Sister/ Mum you seem quite worried about me not going, are you ok?”

Surely they can’t go on about it forever.

I'd come back to her with some suggestions of holidays you CAN do on those dates, within your budget - or other dates for the same holiday that come in cheaper. Offer solutions and if they say no then it's them that's making it difficult, not you and you'll be less likely to get grief or feel bad yourself about it.

we will be the difficult ones which is fine as we're used to it but can be difficult not to feel bad when it's being piled on by siblings as well as parents.

In this instance, given that you're not the only one unhappy with aspects of it, would the siblings pile on or would they see it as you giving them a way out too?

This is a really valid point. It's fairly recent I've decided to do what's best for us and not bend so much but before that I was the one who challenged my mum and she hates it. Would often turn into several phones calls from siblings as I had upset her. Never my intention but was always the outcome and I know based on past this will be one of those things. In truth it actually makes me want to dig my heels in more LOL

It depends. Can go either way...the other will either bend and just go along with it or they'll be thankful but won't actually say too much on it. So it would still be our 'fault' however my point is always that I'm not saying they can't go it's just we can't join them which surely is always a risk if you're doing a holiday where everyone pays for themselves as everyone has different ideas of what it looks like.

One option is to find a location and dates that work for all the families and grandkids [climate, costs, facilities etc] and then run it past your mum on a take it or leave it basis. There's no reason your parents can't upgrade to 5 star location within the same resort if that's what they want?

This sounds really stressful. It's a big outlay and everyone concerned needs to be happy about dates, times and costs. If they can't agree then don't do it - it's not worth falling out over.

You mum has three options, in my opinion.

1. insist that everyone joins her on her chosen holiday that she is laying for (obviously that’s still quite controlling but if no underlying issues, most people are glad of a free holiday!)
2. invite everyone on her chosen holiday and accept that some people won’t be able to make it due to cost or any other reason
3. instigate a discussion with everyone about going on holiday and work together to figure out what would work best for everyone

I voted YABU before seeing your updates, purely based on the fact that your initial post specifically mentions the cost being high due to the school holidays. I don't think that's a valid reason at all, families with children in school don't have a choice (or it's unreasonable to expect their kids to miss school), so I wouldn't insist on this.

But I get what you mean in terms of costs though. I wouldn't spend 1000s on a holiday, and they can't decide what you do or don't do with your money.

I would go back to your mum with your budget, and tell her they can either accommodate or go without you.

Thing is as much as I'd like to do it I'm also happy not to go- that's my choice and I definitely don't expect them to bend to me. However it then causes drama due to us saying no as we're not prioritising it. Which is a valid point however I feel it's a bit unfair as if my parents were so desperate to make it happen then they could of spent some of their inheritance on it but we wouldn't make them feel guilty for prioritising the things they did with it as people can do what they want with their money.
Both my parents are retired and have decent pensions coming in so this holiday is easily affordable for them and they can go on multiple holidays a year as obviously not usually tied to more expensive periods.

You're being wet. Either spend the money and go or say no and be happy with your decision. If there's any attempt at guilt tripping just shut it down. You're adults, nobody can guilt trip you unless you have a reason to feel guilty.

I agree with the above.

It sounds like they have a go, making you feel bad and that this probably makes you apologise and try to make it up to them, or to smooth things over, but really from siblings, that's blooming unacceptable behaviour.

Have they ever been challenged?
What would happen if when they started piling on you turned around gave it right back to them said something like, (I'm sure you can come up with better wording, but for example)

"How dare you!. What makes you think you have the right to dictate, where, when and how much I spend on holidays and complain about it? I'm x years old and I am not your employee."
or even
Actually sibling, I think YOU are being the difficult one.

TBF I'm not really sure what the response would be, but it seems to me that if they are constantly doing this as you say, I wonder what it would be like if you turned around on them. Or at least if you were thinking about turning it back onto them and telling yourself you refuse to feel bad about non compliance.

The thing is the guilt tripping has never worked so unsure why it's a thing but it is. We tend to make the decision then stick to it as know it's for good reasons. One sibling doesn't tend to do it so much but they will go along with stuff as it can be easier, but I also don't think they tend to get the flack as much for some reason. Probably because with me it's more often maybe. Not sure.
But I do like this grey rock approach a lot.

You've dodged a bullet! Nothing worse than being coerced/emotionally blackmailed into something you didn't want to do and having to pay more than you would like for a holiday that you have no say over. Having experienced many of these, I would say that even if someone paid for us, I would be reluctant to go (which says a lot!).

Yes OP. I thought@cheddercherry came up with some good deflection suggestions.

Your mum can't dictate how you spend your own money, or what your family priorities are. You could earn a million and not want to spend a penny of it on a holiday to Turkey and that is entirely your choice.

"Sorry, that type of holiday isn't in our budget".

If you want to add in "or possible for annual leave" you could but shouldn't need to...does get you out of it if you wouldn't want to go even if mum paid though.

If you want to you could also add in "the kids would love a.big family holiday so we could maybe push to xx days in xx destination in xx month" . Only if you want to have the holiday though.

YANBU

10,500??? Christ

Not RTFT so apologies but on my skim read it can't see if you've done this or not. Have you actually looked up the price difference? I wonder if approaching the siblings with the facts and numbers ie, it's £1k if we go in April and £10k if we go in August, would that get you enough "back up" so to speak to help raise the issue with your mum?
I echo other PP though, if you already have the difficult label then you may as well just lean into it and wear it with pride as it sounds like the label is yours whether it's accurate or not. I also agree whilst you are absolutely not expecting mum to pay, if she wants to have the sole opinion then she needs to be the sole player. I'm assuming you work hard for your money and I've seen you describe annual leave as precious I think was the word? Therefore you spend your money on what makes YOU happy not your mam

I would expect to have input on when and where the holiday would be spent. Have you also factored in the school absence fines into the cost? Don’t forget if you have one child with two parents there’s two fines (I believe)