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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family holiday

142 replies

Aliceinwonder1 · 24/02/2025 11:28

Hi, my parents are keen to go on a big family holiday with me and my husband/2 kids, my sister and her family (3 kids) and also my brother and his family (2 kids). I wonder what the norm is in terms of cost with this as we've done UK weekends here and there but never an abroad holiday. Reason I ask is my mum has said she wants to go to one particular country as short flight etc (kids all similar age and youngest is currently 5) and wants to go during school holidays. 2 couples wouldn't be restricted to this so don't necessarily want to pay the very high cost during school holidays. However my mum is adamant it's happening and this is when/where...I feel that you can only dictate that if paying (we'd all be paying for ourselves) as it would be everyone's holiday. My sister is saying we just need to make it happen and my brother is on the fence but also won't want to pay stupidly high prices.
What's the general consensus here though?

OP posts:
Frostynoman · 24/02/2025 13:22

It’s not being difficult to say that you can’t afford that - it’s a lot of money. The fact that you are seen as the difficult one is a separate issue and yielding to the current dates and paying £4k isn’t going to make them see you as less difficult if you are already seen as such within the family. It’s pretty clear that your Mum is being difficult here and you have to weigh up if you want to pay £4k for a bit of peace on this topic but I would ask, if you do pay, what will the next issue be?

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 24/02/2025 13:23

Why are you being bullied into this OP.

You are aware you will look like the villain of the piece of you bug out of this so you have knowledge of this so that's a start but why let that bother you.

If I was being expected to lash out 4k on something I could take or leave and would probably prefer to leave, I wouldn't give a rats ass what people thought of me.

Just going with the flow on stuff like this, allows them to keep treating you this way.

Dig in. Say no. Accept they are going to be assholes about it but you have your 4k plus fee still in your bank = win.

This will become an annual occurrence if you're not careful.

sweetpickle2 · 24/02/2025 13:24

Just say no thanks, we can't afford that. She can't force you to pay or attend.

Conniebygaslight · 24/02/2025 13:27

Aliceinwonder1 · 24/02/2025 11:38

Problem is my family will think we're being difficult and can afford it (they don't know our finances and it's purely their assumption)

Show quote history

So.....? let them think what they like. If they really think that, then they're not worth going with surely? We can't change what other people think so why bother.

Original poster
Aliceinwonder1 · 24/02/2025 13:36

Thank you for all your responses.

Just to clarify we won't bend or spend the amount- we just can't and won't spend that amount on one holiday. It's just I'm getting fed up with being labelled constantly so wondered if that was clouding my thoughts on it.

In terms of a villa- that's a no for various reasons. I do not foresee it working well with that many adults and children!

It would be different if my parents were going to pay but they are not and it is a pay for ourselves situation. I know you need to be flexible in these situations but there is a line. There are other countries that may be cheaper however they won't be on the table (not by us)

OP posts:
Cuppachuchu · 24/02/2025 13:39

Quite apart from the cost of this type of holiday, I wouldn't fancy it. I imagine your mum would want to dictate what you all do each day, too. Nightmare.

wherearemypastnames · 24/02/2025 13:42

Well I can see why you mum wants school time - if you can't afford it just say so - " sorry would love to go but can't afford it "

Nowvoyager99 · 24/02/2025 13:42

Just respond saying you won’t be able to join them this time, but hope they have a great holiday.

Don’t be pushed for more explanation.

Fruhstuck · 24/02/2025 13:43

Your Mum is being completely unreasonable to make all the decisions about the holiday herself and expect everyone else to do what she wants plus pay for it themselves.

I would just say "Sorry, we would have loved to come but that would cost much more than we've budgeted for a holiday this year." If they then label you as being "difficult" it can’t be helped. (You could ask her whether she and your father would have liked her mother choosing their family holiday without any input from them, and expecting them to pay more than they were comfortable paying for it.)

However… Mum is probably being a good grandparent who doesn’t want to be responsible for her grandchildren being taken out of school to go on holiday, and assumes that her children feel the same way. Until the past few years this was the normal attitude of every responsible parent.

Schoolchoicesucks · 24/02/2025 13:50

No, you don't have to go.

A group holiday needs to work for everyone.
Your mum's planned holiday is factoring in destination she wants to go to, flights reasonable length for travelling with kids, taking place in school holidays for those with kids. But she has missed out on it being within everyone's budget.

Do you want to go on a big holiday with them all? If so, then you can explain the one your mum has chosen is out of your budget and make some other suggestions that are cheaper but still fit the dates, flight times etc for all involved. Or if there is a cheaper way for you to get there/cheaper place for you to stay/you can cut costs by going for a shorter time period.

If you'd rather spend your holiday budget and leave with your immediate family in your chosen location at time of your choosing then you just need to say that. Sorry guys, looks amazing but we have limited budget and annual leave and have already committed to go here instead. Hope you have a wonderful time and look forward to seeing the photos.

Manxexile · 24/02/2025 14:03

My vision of hell is going on holiday with my partner, my parents, my brother and his kids, and my sister and her kids.

Worse would be going with my in-laws.

Shoot me now...

Cherrysoup · 24/02/2025 14:03

She can't make you get on the plane and nor should you feel that she can blackmail or bully you into going. If it doesn't work for you, tough. She should not be dictating your holiday-do you even want to go there? Can all the adults who work get the time off?

Ddakji · 24/02/2025 14:09

I’m slightly baffled at so many people saying the mum is being unreasonable for saying a holiday for a group of school-aged children has to happen in the school holidays. Seems that she’s the only person prioritising their education!

However, if you can’t afford it you can afford it.

Miaowzabella · 24/02/2025 14:09

my mum is adamant it's happening

Tell her it's not.

thepariscrimefiles · 24/02/2025 14:12

Aliceinwonder1 · 24/02/2025 11:33

Kind of yes. It's difficult because I don't necessarily expect to be paid for but equally I would spend thousands on the type of holiday being talked about but that's what it will cost and we've just been told we'll it's happening you're coming. Which would be fine to say if she was then paying (again not expecting that but just saying if you want all the choice you have to financially support it).

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How can she just say that you are coming? What if you can't afford it? What if you don't like the holiday destination? She sounds very controlling. If she was offering to pay, it would be different but demanding that people spend a lot of money on a holiday that they didn't choose is ridiculous.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 24/02/2025 14:18

I don't understand the problem. "Sorry mum, we can't afford it", and that's it, isn't it? What's she going to do, hold a gun to your head while you book and pay for it? Why this anguish about how to spend your own money and free time?

Hayley1256 · 24/02/2025 14:18

My holiday to Greece this year has come in at around 4k, 10 nights, 5 star all inclusive for 2 adults and a child, I'm taking DD out of school for 3 days before they break up for the 6 week holidays as it would cost an extra 2k to do it fully during the holiday. They were some cheaper places so I think you could probs do for around 3k but it's a lot to pay for a holiday you haven't planned. I would just be honest and say here is your budget and you can't go over it. Agree with other comments that a villa would be cheaper but it depends how we'll you all get on

Bollindger · 24/02/2025 14:22

Do it via budget.
Get everyone to agree a budget per family.
Present it too your mum with dates.
Then tell her to have at it.
Make her find it, so she can blame the lack of holidays.

Endofyear · 24/02/2025 14:22

Aliceinwonder1 · 24/02/2025 11:38

Problem is my family will think we're being difficult and can afford it (they don't know our finances and it's purely their assumption)

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So? Let them. You aren't responsible for how they choose to react. Just tell them when you're willing to go and if your mum is adamant that she wants to go at a different time, let them get on with it. You're being no more difficult than they are.

Velmy · 24/02/2025 14:22

Aliceinwonder1 · 24/02/2025 11:33

Kind of yes. It's difficult because I don't necessarily expect to be paid for but equally I would spend thousands on the type of holiday being talked about but that's what it will cost and we've just been told we'll it's happening you're coming. Which would be fine to say if she was then paying (again not expecting that but just saying if you want all the choice you have to financially support it).

Show quote history

You're an grown adult with your own family. Nobody "tells you it's happening and you're coming".

If someone is kindly offering to pay for a trip then obviously they can tell you when and where the trip they're offering to pay for will take place.

If you're paying, you either pick a time that works best for everyone, or some of you don't don't go. That simple, end of story 🤷🏻‍♂️

SuperSleepyBaby · 24/02/2025 14:30

You sound far too tied up with your mother? So what if she demands you go. If you dont want to just say a firm no thanks.

Onlyonekenobe · 24/02/2025 14:33

If my Mum were to make out that I'M being difficult because I'm not spending my earnings the way SHE wants me, I'd be giving her some home truths.

theadultsaretalking · 24/02/2025 14:36

This type of holiday can only work if you communicate well and get on as a family. If you do, then you should be able to discuss the situation and work out a solution because everyone wants this time together. If you cannot speak openly, why would you even contemplate going, as this would be a nightmare?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 24/02/2025 14:38

Your mum CANNOT say 'it's happening, you're coming.' She's your mother, not your prison officer, and you aren't fourteen any more, you're a mother in your own right. You can say no. She might well sulk, but if she's that kind of person then going on a big holiday with her is going to be a nightmare anyway.

valder · 24/02/2025 14:39

Have you all ever been away together before now? Do you all get on very well and make allowances for each others differences, especially regarding how the kids are parented/disciplined/bedtimes etc?

I would never go away with my family. I love them all to pieces but we are different creatures and no way would a group holiday work for us. We all know this!

If, and it's a big IF, you decide to go and it's affordable for you, please please make sure you get your OWN accommodation. Bad enough being stuck with a gang all week, but to share a house with say two bathrooms and maybe issues with the allocation of bedrooms is a recipe for disaster. I know it works for some, but reading about your mother's non negotiable decisions and your siblings other needs and wants, I'd swerve.

But really, if you don't want to go in the week/s already demanded by mother, and/or you find affording it difficult then just make your mind up and don't go. Be honest and explain why. There should be no repercussions to this, and if there are, well you know you've made the right decision not to go.