Family holiday

[Aliceinwonder1]

Hi, my parents are keen to go on a big family holiday with me and my husband/2 kids, my sister and her family (3 kids) and also my brother and his family (2 kids). I wonder what the norm is in terms of cost with this as we've done UK weekends here and there but never an abroad holiday. Reason I ask is my mum has said she wants to go to one particular country as short flight etc (kids all similar age and youngest is currently 5) and wants to go during school holidays. 2 couples wouldn't be restricted to this so don't necessarily want to pay the very high cost during school holidays. However my mum is adamant it's happening and this is when/where...I feel that you can only dictate that if paying (we'd all be paying for ourselves) as it would be everyone's holiday. My sister is saying we just need to make it happen and my brother is on the fence but also won't want to pay stupidly high prices.
What's the general consensus here though?

This is exactly us. It comes down to priorities.
I would also say this extends to my parents who have had some lump sums of money from inheritance recently and have done other stuff with it which is fine but in theory if they wanted the holiday to happen that badly on their terms they could have paid a percentage then me and siblings pay the rest of our share.

These sort of holidays always sound good beforehand. Then you get there.
uncle Bob likes to be up and out by 9am
auntie Jane likes a lie in and an hour to set her hair
cousin Phillip will only eat chips

Maybe remind your mum of this lol

School or rather education isn’t complusory until the term after you turn 5.

And this is where you need to stand firm if they try to argue “but you can afford it” you need to say you’ve prioritised your finances in other areas, it’s not within your holiday budget and you’re within your rights not to spend money in amounts that you’re not comfortable with.

She is aware. Her response is pretty much well that's what it costs.

So she's going to try and bully you into just coming along?

You know what you have to do with bullies?

I think you can do it a bit cheaper than others are saying if you rent a big villa/house with a pool depending on where you're going. That's definitely cheaper than doing AI or similar. Would reckon you can do that for around £2-3k per family including flights assuming somewhere like Spain or France.

Also if some are confined to school holidays, it seems a bit churlish to insist on doing it outside. Although from your post on this, it sounds like some are planning to take kids out of school and some aren't.

Yes but if the youngest is already 5, even if they'd turned 5 in the last 8 weeks the latest they'd be talking about is the Easter holidays. I assumed the OP would mention if the holiday was so soon as that's quite an easy get out clause for them.

And with it being two families either both families have a 5 year old (turned since Jan), or maybe they home school, or maybe one sibling doesn't have kids.

Well she's not wrong. School holidays are expensive.

The only thing you can control is your own reaction. There's nothing wrong with saying "sorry this doesn't work for us, we can't spare the money for a holiday at that price."

In our family we have always gone away in school holidays for big family trips - it used to only suit my sibling as they were the only ones with kids but we sucked it up and now we have kids and they suck it up.

We always go to a villa though that our parents pay for. We just have to pay flights and food when we’re there. Guess it depends on your situation and finances though!

You say this is what we can afford. And stick to it. And you say this is when we can go.
If it doesn't work it doesn't work

Sounds like maybe your mum has spent too much time on social media and seen that all her friends go on big family holidays and therefore wants to do the same 😅

I think your mum needs to understand that generally, these big family holidays only happen because either the parents pay for everything, the parents pay for accommodation for everyone leaving only flights to be paid for by each individual family or everyone is in agreement on dates, location and cost.

Good luck - I suspect you'll need it :)

The more you've said about the general dynamic here (your family insisting that you go on holiday with them in the first place, no flexibility on dates and destination, and the fact that they think not being able to afford something is 'being difficult' rather than simply not having the money or wanting to prioritise other things) makes me wonder why you'd even consider going on holiday with them at all!

They sound really difficult and overbearing, and I think you should stand up to them on this. So what if they 'think you're being difficult'? It sounds to me as if you'd benefit from them getting used to you standing up to them.

In theory a family holiday sounds lovely and would create lovely memories especially for the children. Obviously you have to choose a time that suits all of you and also come up with a budget. Then decide the place based on where you can afford. Although I suspect you have already tried to communicate this.

My mum is adamant it's happening and this is when/where...

Regardless of who's paying, nobody gets to dictate what IS going to happen, especially with such a large group involved, and I'm afraid this would get my back up too

I might even regard it as a sign of how things would be approached on the holiday, and start thinking of reasons we definitely couldn't go

I couldn't drive myself round the bend accommodating such an immovable force as your mother sounds tbh.

If you and siblings are actually up for a big joint holiday I'd decide your budget per family each. Either equal or 3 kid family pays a little more and then go back to your parents and say - we can each spend this much. If we can't do it for that then we can't and won't go.

Don't make it a maximum budget either. A comfortable budget for each family for flights and accommodation with undisclosed spending / food money. If your mum cannot comprehend that then you're better off weathering that storm at home.

If she bangs on - just come up with a line and stick to it. "Would've been lovely but not able to financially." "Yes it's a shame it's too expensive."
Dig your heels in and don't be brow beaten. Don't accept any guilt. The complications are because she won't capitulate / accommodate reality, not because it couldn't happen.

so you want to exclude the family who can only do school holidays? nice

Just say: sorry that doesn't work for us. And they can all go without you?

OP you said that your Mum said 'it's happening you're coming', why on earth didn't you say at the time,'are you paying then Mum, because if not, we will only be coming if we can afford to do so, and if it fits in with work, other plans, etc?'

Too many people allow themselves to be pushed into a corner by friends and relatives, surely it's got to be better to speak your mind, and say what YOU want, rather than being dictated to by someone with a stronger personality like your Mum?

If others get upset if you decide not to go, and make a big thing of it, just tell them that you won't be dictated to about how you spend your money, and if they don't like it, that's on them, but you won't be forced into doing things that will put your family in a difficult position financially, just to keep other people happy.

'Mum, we have a budget of £2k all-in for this year's holiday. Flights, accommodation, food, drinks, the lot. If you can find somewhere within that budget we'd love to come, but money's tight at the moment and we're not going into debt for a holiday.'

In my experience, going on holiday with a big group means an awful lot of compromising on what you do, where you go, meal times etc. There are positives — always someone around to talk to, go for a drink with. But also downsides — looking after others' children and not being able to go off exploring on your own being two that spring immediately to mine. No point in spending over the odds on a holiday where you have little control of things and can't ensure you get to do what you want.

However my mum is adamant it's happening and this is when/where...I feel that you can only dictate that if paying (we'd all be paying for ourselves) as it would be everyone's holiday.

Agree with this! Your mum needs to pay or compromise. We do a holiday like this every year - we go where we’re told (always UK) as my parents pay for it.

Term time hols often worth it in our school at least, because the savings are so great. Probably wouldn’t do it for secondary school though!

don't be a wet lettuce. Just say "it doesn't work for us" like a broken record.

Could you not show her the cost of the same holiday for the week she wants to go and the week yoj are auggesting everyone goes? Maybe when she sees the difference in price she will change her mind? Maybe she doesnt realise how much more expensive it is in holidays?

we've just been told we'll it's happening you're coming. @Aliceinwonder1

You don't have to do what your mum or anyone tells you, you're an adult with your own family!
Why does your mum think she can still tell you what to do?
Just tell her you can't afford it/don't want to/ doesn't fit with the family plans etc

Edited to add, even if she was paying that doesn't give her the automatic right to dictate or tell you what to do. Crazy!

we had a similar(ish) thing about 8 years ago. MiL 'offered' to take us (and 3 kids) and SiL (and 1 child) on holiday as they'd just had a very large windfall. We gratefully accepted and then goalposts shifted and we were left paying £1000 towards a holiday we'd never have chosen in a location and hotel we'd rather not have been at.

We (back in those days) used to spend around £2000/£2500 on our annual holiday so would much preferred to have put that money towards something we would have enjoyed had we known we'd have ended up paying.

I wish we'd stuck to our guns, so suggest (hypocritically 😂) that you do the same x

I understand it might be difficult but I'd be putting my big girl pants on and saying no. If it's a place you wanted to go fine, just give your mum your budget and ask her to make it work.

If it wasn't somewhere we wanted to go i would politely decline or suggest choosing somewhere everyone was happy with.

I've paid thousands to go to a destination wedding before, somewhere I wouldn't have chosen. The wedding was great. The rest of the 10 days were hell. We got stuck with everyone else's kids whilst they drank and sunbathed, there was very little to do inside or outside the hotel complex. I always swore I'd never pay for a holiday we didn't chose again as I've never been so unhappy on holiday.