Family holiday

[Aliceinwonder1]

Hi, my parents are keen to go on a big family holiday with me and my husband/2 kids, my sister and her family (3 kids) and also my brother and his family (2 kids). I wonder what the norm is in terms of cost with this as we've done UK weekends here and there but never an abroad holiday. Reason I ask is my mum has said she wants to go to one particular country as short flight etc (kids all similar age and youngest is currently 5) and wants to go during school holidays. 2 couples wouldn't be restricted to this so don't necessarily want to pay the very high cost during school holidays. However my mum is adamant it's happening and this is when/where...I feel that you can only dictate that if paying (we'd all be paying for ourselves) as it would be everyone's holiday. My sister is saying we just need to make it happen and my brother is on the fence but also won't want to pay stupidly high prices.
What's the general consensus here though?

Once every 2 years, we like to go away with our children and grandchildren. I find a villa that accommodates us all and I book it. I don't ask their opinion but I make sure it's got everything we all want. Then I let them know where and when it is. They can then choose whether they want to come or not (they always do want to!) and then I book their flights. And we pay for the villa and flights - once we're there, we have a kitty. It's our thing and we're lucky to be able to do it. I would never dream of organising a holiday and expect the family to pay. Don't spend money on something you don't want to do. That's crazy. Stand firm.

It's obviously not reasonable to go outside of school holidays if that excludes one family.

I also think it's unreasonable to expect your DM to pay for your holiday.

What I do think is reasonable is an open discussion on your budget for this year's holiday, and explaining that the holiday must sit within that or sadly you will have to decline the invitation.

Don't find a holiday and then look at if/how you can afford it, do it the other way around - decide on a budget first and then see what you can find that fits for everyone. Of you can't afford it or don't like the destination, explain to DM, this is our budget and we don't have enough to cover this joint family holiday, we would prefer to go away with just the 4 of us to place X instead.

Also, I think if one family wants to go in the school holidays and not miss school, I don't think that is compatible with 2 families that want to go in term time (and potentially accept a fine).

What kind of holiday is it? Because if you are sharing a big house for that many people, there can be savings compared to single family holidays that might mitigate some of the school holiday extra cost. Maybe find something cheaper and tell your parents that’s what you are all doing?

gite in France for £2679 for first week of summer holidays

villa near Florence, £5289 for the first week of summer holidays

There are loads of places you could all go without paying ££££.

Your Mum could get a few holidays priced up and then you can just decide whether the dates are convenient and whether you can afford it or not. That’s what we do on group holidays.

If you don't want to spend your money on it then just tell her no

So you give in, and so she keeps doing it. You have 2 choices OP- cough up and go, or say no. Ultimately we can’t do it for you.

I agree. Assuming the location is not somewhere special to the whole family/where you’ve all always wanted to go, then unless she is booking a FOAD villa with 10bedrooms in Italy and paying for it herself, then she is going to have to get over herself. And I say this having booked a FOAD 7bed villa for a few extended family holidays in the past which DH and I paid for as his parents were retired and his DSis is on a local govt salary. We wanted the time with them and our kids to have a relationship with them, so we paid. But, even then, we consulted them on the when/where and chose the villa together from a shortlist of 3.

@Aliceinwonder1 your DMum is being unreasonable.

Your mother is being allowed to bully you. Put a stop to it.
Who cares if someone thinks you're being 'difficult'? Just say 'ok' and go about your day.

I'd drop the rope and stop the "afford" nonsense as that is debatable. Just say "spending xxxx on this is not something we will be doing this year, have a great time" and book your own holiday. Why on earth would you go with people who are so uninterested in your needs/wants and frankly see you as the "difficult one" anyway. Own it. If they complain smile and say "Oh I am sorry, I am always so difficult but that doesn't work for us".

Have you looked at cruises? You don’t pay extra in school holidays and lots for adults and children to do

How is she going to force you to come, and pay, if you can't afford it and won't pay?

@CautiousLurker01 not to de-rail but what is a FOAD villa?

My parents have done this—however, they did pay for everyone’s flights and hotels, rather than saying, “Well, that’s how much it costs—everyone is paying for themselves.”

Fuck off and Die?

Sounds like an absolute recipe for disaster if there is this much dissension before it's even booked.

Wouldn't a UK break be less stressful. We've gone away in a big family group in UK a number of times. Shropshire for example isn't gorgeous and relatively quiet even in the school holidays.

FOAD means ‘F*ck Off And Die’ - abusive if you tell someone to FOAD, but also means ‘the dogs bollocks’ or superlative in other contexts. Sorry, should have been clearer.

[in our case it had an enormous heated pool, sundecks, 7 beds all en suite, lux kitchen etc… so, um, seriously luxurious so you’d happily FO and D there!!]

Go back and say that you have a holiday budget and it is £x. When your DM says that it isn't enough for her dream holiday say" but that's what the budget is.... come with us and cut your cloth or go without us and spend what you like. "

This.

The etiquette is, if you're paying you stipulate the details. If you aren't, you don't.

If you ask her if she's paying for everyone and she says, of course not, I can't afford it, then you can say "neither can we."

There is no point paying an absolute fortune to go away in school holidays when you don't have to, not to mention everything is more crowded and stressful.

I can go on 3 luxury holidays outside of school times for the price of one standard budget school holiday one.

I'd wait and let someone else be the first to speak up then, if you often get pegged as the 'difficult' ones.

Parents that I have known who've organised a family holiday have paid for it. I realise not everyone can afford to do that in which case they should only suggest going away together, not insist.

My in-laws just took us on holiday with an inheritance. We live overseas and they always wanted to travel with us so they made it happen. My mother in law actually gave me the rough time of year and a budget and left me to plan everything to suit us, school schedule, etc.

We ended up paying for some of the dinners and the car rental - plus a wine tasting surprise evening - as we are grownups and want to contribute but they had no expectation we would and paid for everything else.

No one can tell me how to spend my holiday time or money so if you don't want to, just say no thank you. If you're feeling particularly kind you could price up something you would consider doing instead and ask if they want to come along (paying for themselves of course!)

But your Mum and some of the family are being difficult.

I'd just go with that definition.

Joining someone else's holiday, whether they are paying or not, but especially if they've chosen something over your budget, is purely voluntary.

No one can just say "You're coming, suck it up."

Offer a UK weekend for a get together instead.

In such a bossy family who are always complaining about people being "difficult" if they don't follow orders - sounds like a very stressful way to spend your prescious holiday time with your own family unit.
'

I'm often made out to be the difficult one as tend to focus on what works for us as opposed to bending constantly... but it's always made out we're doing something to be difficult.

Then you are doing your job well for your own little family unit!

You get tagged with the label anyway may as well embrace it and do what you want. Parents are not the bosses of adult children.

You are in charge of your finances and budget. Not her.