Not Invited to Cousin's Wedding

[Caribun]

My cousin is getting married. We used to live next door to each other when we were teenagers and have always been friendly. There's no big family drama, no issues, we don't see each other frequently but text occasionally, and see each other at family gatherings.

Cousin has invited all of our family, and all of her cousins (including all my siblings) to her wedding, but hasn't invited me. I've spoken to my Mum about it who says she thinks it's because we have small children, they aren't having kids at their wedding, and we have no one to look after the kids (my entire family will be at the wedding, DH is an orphan and only child).

Whilst I appreciate that may be the case AIBU to think it would have been nice to receive just a courtesy invitation rather than just being completely ignored? I feel so hurt that it's left me in tears and I can't really think rationally about it.

I haven't asked her directly because I don't do conflict, so I'm just quietly very sad.

It depends how much OP wants to know what the problem is for her cousin. I would want to know & would reply asking what the reason was to invite all and exclude her.

I'd also make sure direct family knew I'd not been invited.

Then I'd make sure I went away somewhere completely different for the week/weekend of the wedding & mute everyone on social media to make sure my nose wasn't being rubbed in it.

Then I'd rethink my relationships with the lot of them.

That is incredibly hurtful. If it's because you don't have anyone to look after the dc, that isn't her decision to make. It would have meant a lot to receive the invitation even if you'd had to decline or go alone. Given the entire family appears to be invited, I'd be gutted, as you say. Horrible.

Who isn't going to respond, the bride?

People can be so mean. Book a weekend away, anywhere, so you have perfect excuse not to babysit and give yourself something else to look forward to.

People are often not rational about wedding invitations. They maybe thought you would bring dc so didn’t take the risk? However I’d be revising my Christmas card list and it would involve her parents too.

That's sad. But now you know who you are dealing with. You might tell your DM it was deliberate exclusion. I would not be going to that wedding if I was your DM.

This. If you were my sister or daughter, I wouldn't be going. I definitely like this dismissive reply.

Does it matter why?

Clearly its significant and the cousin has no intention of resolving it. If they wanted to they could have.

They don't give a shit. So I'd let them get on with it but I would make sure my family knew what a shitty move it was.

@missscarletintheballroom I don't think that's necessarily fair, her mum was trying to explain why she thought it might have happened but was obviously shocked by it. I would give her another chance to act - if she says no or wants to avoid the conflict then OP could ask. But I don't think she will as someone averse to conflict - as I say I wouldn't and I am definitely not averse to conflict 😂 By replying you are just giving her bitchy self more air time. I'd let my family know what had happened and that I was really upset and let them make their own choices about what to do - but would think less of them for not challenging cousin for her spitefulness and/or not going.

I would want to know why as the op is not aware of any ill feeling so if there is a perceived slight at least I could address it - particularly if there is a misunderstanding

I’d be tempted to say “do you mind if I ask why, have I don’t anything to upset you?”. If you get a reply, then just block her and move on. What does your mum say though? Mine would be raging on my behalf and it would cause WW3. So it’s weird if she’s not going to fight your corner even a little?

Same me neither. Unless the left out person had previously done something bad.

I'm sorry, OP.

This is a time for thumbs up!

Perfect

And how would that change anything?

The cousin doesn't want to resolve anything.

If the cousin had an issue an gave a shit, they could address it in an adult fashion rather than going out of their way to not invite. They KNEW it would cause upset and they were rude in their response to asking if there was an invite.

So why care about someone willing to do that? Its not worth the OPs time.

The alternative is pandering to someone being shitty, and allowing yourself to be a doormat in the process.

Its just not worth it. Let the cousin get on with it rather than giving the cousin the satisfaction of knowing they'd got to you.

I'd be messaging back a simple thumbs up and have done with it. Its not worth the headspace. Its not going to achieve anything but give the cousin a power trip.

No way would I be going if I were your mother.

Yeah I’d expect the mother to get to the bottom of this to be honest. Is it her sister who’s the mother of the bride? Surely it’s a simple conversation for her - otherwise there’s a massive elephant in the room at the wedding.

Wow. That's a very blunt and upsetting response. I think I would need to ask her to explain why (though I don't know if it is really a good idea!). Are you likely to see her to speak to properly any time soon, as that might be better than exchanging messages?

(PS - an "orphan" is defined as a child so your DH is not an orphan)

If any situation calls for that response, this is it.

Ouch. With that blunt a reply I’d be saying quietly “oh, why is that?” on the grounds that when you find out you can decide whether or not you want to have a relationship with them.

Well, you've obviously pissed off your cousin somehow. It's not the kids thing as your siblings with kids have been invited. It's personal.

That's really hurtful. 😪

She’s probably secretly very jealous of you OP, you might not think so, but that will be the reason xxxx

I just wouldn't get sucked into the playground level bullshit.
Let them get on with it and stew in their own drama.

Their loss not yours.