SD medication to feel better

[stuckinthemiddlewithyou1]

So a bit of background. My SD19 lives with her mother and step dad about an hour away from us. She has always lived there, attended school there and has chosen to attend university there. During her last year of school she met her boyfriend who lives a further 2 hours away and they have maintained a relationship by seeing each other every few weekends and on her university holidays.

We live in the southern hemisphere for reference, and she has just returned home to start the new university year after pretty much spending 3 months with her boyfriend who lives with his family.

I have view of our private medical care transactions and have seen that she has gone to see a GP and has been prescribed urbanol and Lorien.

My husband has asked her what it’s about and her response has been that she has found the ‘change of life hard and being away from bf’ and needs something to help her cope. ‘It has been hard not being able to walk on the beach with her friends everyday’ and ‘finding a lift to university whilst her car is broken has been stressful’. Ps she damaged her car whilst driving to see him.

For some reason I am just completely uncomfortable with this whole thing. I feel that the taking of anti depressants and anxiety meds for her given reasons is just so casual.

There is not much I can do besides talk to her and express our concerns which my husband has already done. But perhaps my concerns are not valid. I feel that she somehow has this notion that you can medicate away normal life emotions but she says she gets a rash on her face and chest from the anxiety and so it’s needed.

AIBU?

With all due respect OP, you are her step mother, not her parent, she doesn't live with you and lives an hour away by your own admission. She has been living with her boyfriend for the last 3 months and now is back at her mothers house - how well can you know her current situation? Have you spoken to her mother? What are her thoughts considering she lives with her?

As per previous post, I can understand your concern but she is an adult with bodily autonomy.

My country also thinks that pit latrine toilets are safe enough for school sanitation despite the number of children who die by falling into their own shit every year. Please go away.

Woah. Now I am a TROLL.

Sigh, you still don't get it "I would simply like to make sure that her problems are being explored by the right person for the right reasons." - this isn't a decision you get to make unless she wants to involve you.

It is her decision to make, without you interfering on your (narrow) views on what is acceptable in this circumstance, circumstances where you've already claimed she is wrong, it is wrong, all the stigma etc...

I don't know if you can, but I think it would help if when you talk yo your SD you actually chat to her about different countries approaches to mental health, counselling and medication. It might help her to think about alternatives, whether that be exercise, counselling or at least switching the benzo to something like a beta blocker. I often find it useful to think about problems from the point of view of a different country or period in time. I think the humanities academics out there would call this looking at things through a different lense. My degree was in science, so I wasn't taught it all, and my parents are very black and white thinkers. I only learned this skill through counselling but I'm trying to install it in my daughter now. Hopefully this might take any conflict out of your discussions.

Exactly this!

She's not living with you, she lives an hour away and has been even further away for the last 3 months. You are not involved in her day to day life, whether you think her problems are minor or not - you don't get to make any choice regarding her medication, whether she takes it, whether it's appropriate - none of this is under your control and nor should it be. She's a 19 year old woman who is entitled to privacy and to have her choices respected

You don't seem to have any respect for her

Really?
Firstly, what makes you think that just because she lives an hour away or three hours away we haven’t spent any time with her?
Secondly, I find it incredibly strange that parents here would be ok with their young adult child coming back from a 3 month stay at the boyfriends house with mental health issues that they have never displayed before. Does this not wave any red flags to you?

I wonder how many abused women have been ignored for the very same reasons because we shouldn’t get involved in other people’s business! Good god. The UK is a strange place.

Well, have you spent time with her? How was she? What has her mother said?

I would be worried about abuse but have you discussed this with her? How much time did you and her dad spend with her growing up - have you taught her about red flags in relationships? The importance of feelings, how to recognise the negative ones and what to do when you feel bad?

Yes we have spent time with her.
We have spent a lot of time with her growing up in shared custody arrangement with her mother despite the distance apart we live.
Yes we have discussed red flags in relationships.
What does her mother say? The woman hasn’t spoken to me in the 17 years I have known my SD. We don’t have a relationship like that. What has her mother said to her? I’m not sure, she isn’t very present from what I can gather. Does her mother even know what I know? Probably not.
Would I discuss this with her mother? Absolutely not. That is an invasion of her privacy. She knows we are privy to certain elements of her healthcare, we always have been and she has taken charge of that in recent years as this used to go between my husband and her mother before.

Would I discuss this with her mother? Absolutely not. That is an invasion of her privacy.

But you quizzing her about medication she had been prescribed (and not told you about previously)) and implying her mental health problems are so minor you don't think she needs medication is not an invasion of her privacy?

And you've not spoken to her mother? In 17 years? Then how can you comment on her relationship with her daughter, who lives with her

I can comment on her relationship with her mother because I am close enough to her that she does talk to me about it.
I think this is what people are misunderstanding here. I have not stumbled across information that would have been kept from me. She would have volunteered the information to us in a discussion at some point. We have a close enough relationship for that to happen.

I however am concerned about her youthful naivety about her reasons for taking the medication. She believes that what she has done will help her cope with the adjustment to not seeing her boyfriend every day and not being able to take walks on the beach with her friends. Things she enjoyed doing but now cannot do because her holiday is over.

what about this is so hard for people to understand?

she would willingly give us access to her medical information.

You don't know she would have told you - she only seems to have told you when you quizzed her. She may have - in her own time - but you, by invading her privacy have forced her to do so

'Youthful naivety' implies you think she's being a silly girl and all these things are so minor they shouldn't be affecting her mental health and that you know best

You don't seem to accept that you may be wrong - you're right and that's that

you seem to have a hard time accepting that I know my child. This is the same young girl who admitted earlier this year around a dinner table that she tried to fake an eye test because she really wanted to wear glasses. In her silliness it didn’t occur to her that she could just buy nonprescription glasses and instead has walked around for months wearing glasses with a minor prescription she doesn’t need.

She's not your child though! She didn't even live with you! And you have never actually even spoken to her own mother.

And yes - so what - she admitted faking an eye test a year ago - slightly different from being mature enough to go and see a dr because she's struggling

Yoh.

I’ve been warned about the anti-resident SM brigade here on MN. Only bio mothers with golden vaginas are allowed to care about the children they raise.

She absolutely is my child and she would say the same.

I honestly think it’s pretty likely she’s not telling you something. Or that she’s not coping at the moment but doesn’t really understand why. It’s a diagnostic criteria for depression and anxiety actually - that your reactions to life events go beyond proportional sadness or worry into something pathological. The person sufffering might also be attributing their feelings to some events/ difficulties while ignoring or denying the impact of others. So your stepdaughter might actually be super stressed out by her university course, but currently attributing that stress to her car problems. Or maybe something happened that she doesn’t want to talk about - like she was assaulted or harassed by a guy at university, and she only feels safe around her boyfriend at the moment, so she’s finding it hard to cope without him around to a point that would look weird if you don’t know the rest of the story.
Obviously I’m speculating, but I’m just trying to show you how easy it would be for you to be jumping to completely the wrong conclusions about her emotional state because you’re assuming she’s telling you the whole truth. My experience of being 19 was that many of us did not share everything with our parents at that age. It’s not a reflection on your relationship with your young adult child or on your parenting. It’s a normal part of growing up and being independent for many young people.
Don’t tell her you think she doesn’t need medication or that she’s obviously not ill enough for medication. Do tell her that doctor in other countries follow up those medications with weekly appointments and counseling and you’d like to give her that care too. Either she’ll decide on her own that she doesn’t need the meds and the fuss of that many appointments to deal with her emotions or she’ll be getting safe and hopefully effective care. Don’t ask her why she’s taking these medicines. She’ll tell you the truth or some of it if and when she wants your advice or sympathy.