To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

That does seem horribly mean of them. However, who did you find out that this was a regular thing over a year? The info might be wrong.

I would go there next Tuesday. Just to confirm it. Then, have an honest conversation with MIL about you being very hurt and what the problem is with inviting you. And no more helping her unless there’s a very good reason!!

I think there absolutely must be some other back story/information here. I doubt that four women can be complicit in behaving like this, unless there was something else at play, because it’s such an obvious situation. One of them would surely have called the others out. Surely they can’t all be nasty?

There’s similar stories on here almost every day of people being excluded.

I would be really hurt too - they don’t deserve you.

The really question is what do you want from the question being asked?

Be ready for it.
It might makes things very uncomfortable, change nothing, and you regret the drama it caused.

They prefer each other.
Its life.
Hurtful, but life.

Knowledge is power and now you have it, without them knowing.

Far better for you to be unapologetically unavailable and 100 % suit yourself going forward.

I know thats what I'd prefer.
Id be glad I'd found out so that I now can stop any attempts to use me by her.

Its a win.

Who in their right mind would ask "why" they are being excluded. Is it because you expect a direct and honest answer? I think if you were going to get that you'd have been told up front "we do not like you because of x and y". Rather, most people are evasive if confronted. You'll just get excuses like "oh we thought it clashed with something you do on Tuesdays" or "we never planned it to be a regular thing, it just sort of evolved that way" or some other form of bullshit.

Have some pride, do not ask why.

The more I'm thinking about it, the more upset I'm feeling.

Maternity leave is an isolating time. I really would have loved a nice lunch every Tuesday with some other mums. I'd love to see the cousins play together every week. I feel like it's not just me that's been excluded but my kids too. Why have they done this? I've actually had a little cry

DH is now strongly pushing for him to say something. He says it needs to be out in the open and delt with and he thinks it will be mentioned on Tuesday by the cafe worker any way. He's saying he wants to ring his mum or one of his brothers. I'm close to letting him.

I'm racking my brains to think of something I might have said or done to offend one of them but I can't think of anything.

Let DH sort out the why

Once you know, take some time to sit with it 🥰

I would tell him to at least sleep on it!
(And I would be tempted to go over there on Tuesday).
They are not nice to exclude you and your kids. And dor the MIL to have cheek to have you help her out!

You need to let your husband call his mum and ask about this, it’s definitely off them all meeting up together 😪

Feel your pain OP. my MiL thinks the sun shines out of SiL's arse. Dh is not the favourite. Our kids arent either. They're the best of friends, go to church together, take PiL out for family meals etc. They spend every christmas together #making memories. PiL bought SiL and DH brother a house. Twice. Us, nothing.
MiL babysits their DC, takes them on days out.
God knows, we've tried everything to forge a good relationship with PiL and SiL. Tried visiting, told not to go near their house.
It hurts DH so much but he accepts it. I've given up. I refuse to attend family events as its the SiL show.
Two years ago, DH popped by their house unexpectedly. Their house had large pictures of other grandchild on the walls. None of ours.Those pictures are never there when we visit.
That was it for me. I visited once last year as did DC. When the guilt tripping started they hadnt seen our DC, I politely remind them they know where we live and are welcome any time.
It hurts. But I'm not going to start going to church to impress MiL.
Just step back. Even my DC are starting to step away as they get older.

Just ask OP.

What a random and horrible thing to say. People can crave relationships with their family for reasons other than money.

That's so sad. I just don't understand that. Was there a fall out or something or a reason DH isn't favoured?

Op, that is so lousy of them. Mean girl vibes...

Let him phone her OP, horrible of them! Tell him to make it clear you certainly don't want an invite now, but you're hurt and disappointed she's accepted your help all whilst excluding you from a nice social event.

That's really shitty of them OP. I'd def call them out on it and watch them squirm, the shower of shites

I think I would let DH ask and explain what you've been told. It's -just- possible the information is wrong and everything can be cleared up. If they were going to that particular cafe it doesn't look as if they were hiding from you. Also DH could make the point re it excludes the children. As for what you do afterwards, well, that depends on how you feel and what they come back with. And possibly if you can arrange for some way for the children to still have a good relationship with their cousins and grandmother. Such things are so hurtful and really leave bad feelings of insecurity and uncertainty.

Let him call his mother - she has had the most help etc and let her explain their reasoning - at least you’ll know what you are dealing with.

I’m sorry that you have been excluded OP. It says everything about them and nothing about you. I’m glad you know though as when any of them want favours you know to say no. I saw on another thread recently that it is always the helpful ones who get left out of things (the thread about the woman who helped her male colleague with work but was the only colleague not invited to his house warming party) I agree, I am a good team player and was not invited to a former colleague’s birthday party but everyone else was. It hurts.

Let your DH speak to your MIL but go low contact with them all now and never help them out. No matter what they say once they realise you know about the lunches they have made their feelings clear by not inviting you to them for a YEAR when you could easily have gone.

Best wishes to you from me OP.

If this is a real thread then ouch. Seems painfully like they are making a point and I wouldn’t be able to not ask.

And I certainly wouldn’t be able to give anything back from now on.

I mean, I guess it’s possible it could be wrong. It’s such a mean thing to do, that it should be confirmed that it is actually the case. I’d want someone to give me the benefit of the doubt, if the information was secondhand.

Let him phone her.

I think you need to let him call, but the dilemma is that they’re either going to start inviting you from obligation/guilt or won’t invite you and potentially say why. However, I think it needs addressing. I feel for you, @Sacredhandbag because I’d be devastated. It’s not like one dil, but both. 😢