To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

Well I would immediately stop helping your MIL. She’s happy to use you for that but exclude you socially.

Do not communicate in the WhatsApp anymore and minimise all contact. When you have to see them, be civil and polite.

If any of them question you, give them a clear answer. ‘You have all chosen to exclude only me from your Tuesday lunch for a year. You clearly don’t enjoy my company’

If you are thinking about the inheritance, there is nothing you can do. I would not have like it, if I were you either. But there is nothing you can do. If you are not thinking about inheritance, you can do a lot of things - ask her outright what the hell is going on.

Personally, I'd wait until I went to see MIL next then I would just ask her outright, tge reason I wasn't invited. No way would I ask DH to ask.

Inheritance couldn't be further from my mind!!!

If you decide to bring it up with MIL, I suggest doing it in person, with you and DH both present. Then she will be trapped and can't prevaricate or pretend later there was any misunderstanding.

You could always invite them to lunch at the coffee shop next week and see what they all say. Mention how much you like it and that you think they’d all enjoy it too. Use the WhatsApp group to your advantage and see what responses you get.

I wonder if the cafe owner might mention it to them that she saw the OP and mentioned it to you that they go every week. She wouldn’t have any clue that it was a secret

It never fails to shock me how people can be so shitty.
And your mil is the most responsible because it’s her son’s dw and she should be the person actively keeping the family together.
Appalling, mean behaviour.

I don’t know. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you have to get on well.

It’s unfair but you are not at present in the group -perhaps things will change when children get older /mil retires/ whatever.

im not sure what you can do - embarrassing mil might not help your position.

Like others already said, I'd be tempted to show up there on a Tuesday - ask them how they like the place and casually throw in "oh yes it must be quite lovely for you, lady over there just mentioned she sees you all every week". Allow for an awkward silence, then wish them a good day and leave.
But this is the passive aggressive me, in reality I might not pluck up the courage, and opt for DH getting involved instead. Just to let them know that you know and how shitty that is of them. After that (unless they come up with an incredibly reasonable excuse) I'd be just civil to them or not go to family events at all.

Thats really mean of them all.

Really mean. I'd let your DH speak to them. Also, they can do any running around/helping MIL. If you're not good enough for an invite, I'd not lift a finger!

I would have DH privately say something to MIL but for him to emphasises you are not asking for an invite or explanation.

They sound really unkind. Your MIL shouldn't be accepting favours from you, such as doing her washing and waiting in for deliveries for her if she is deliberately leaving you out of the weekly lunches with her daughter and two other DILs.

You need to pull back and stop offering to help as it is not appreciated.

The sensible idea is the one suggested above of you leaving the WhatsApp group and your husband texting his mum that it was shitty to leave you out. And leave it at that.

@SerafinasGoose In future, simply match her energy and devote your time to those who are worthy of it instead.

This in spades.

Just "paddle your own canoe" and let these shallow people get on with it.

That’s really horrible OP, I’d need to understand why I’d been excluded so I could decide if I understood the reason or if I wanted to now back away from them all.

Your DP is the best person to find this out and then you can decide but I wouldn’t be getting him to ask them to invite you.

It's not to do with ages of kids is it?

Are yours at school & the point is for MIL to see her GC?

If you ask her about it, what are you wanting the outcome to be?

I wouldn't dream of asking why.
Knowledge is power.
I certainly wouldn't ever be available for her again.

Drop the rope completely.
Accepting this and carrying on will cause you grief.

She may just prefer their company but saves jobs for you.

Its a common thing.
My friend was asked by her MIL to start doing her weekly for her when on a Saturday.
She queried directly why her husband/sisters weren't asked and was told they were far too busy.
She said this is family business and nothing to do with me.
Her MIL was very close to her daughters and never included her DIL ever.
Which was fair enough, but don't think you can ask for caring duties after 10 years.

She absolutely lit off her husband when she got home.
Her MIL never showed the slightest interest in her but she was clearly useful for shopping etc., and she felt her nursing retirement might have registered now too.

He shared the shopping with his sisters and her many years of care.

My friend never got involved.
She had been a great daughter to her lovely parents and wasn't interested in caring duties for people who had zero interest in her.

I really wouldn't react to this.
It will change nothing and you will have showed your hand.
Just be very busy and unavailable, forwarding texts on to your husband.

There could be a simple explanation for it. I'd ask dh to talk to mil directly.

It could have just developed or perhaps the daughter is trying to foster better relationships for her mother with the dil. Who knows it could have started entirely innocently esp if mil wasn't seeing her grandchildren by her daughter in laws as often as she would like

This!

It's all very strange Op. i'd have to get your DH to ask her why. Not so that they invite you going forward but to find out why they've behaved so nastily in the first place & to let her know you'll be doing no more favours for her & she needs to apologise for this.

She can have lunch with whoever she likes, but in the circumstances described, this is particularly mean & hurtful.

On the face of it, this is really quite hurtful. I would want DH to have a word in case there was some explanation I hadn't considered, or so I could reconsider the relationships and how much I wanted to give to it.

I am now totally invested in the reason! The op is lovely, kids same age, all get on well, all same age, same income, all free Tuesday afternoon's, I can't think what it might be.

I am so sorry. I don't know how I would feel in these circumstances. My MIL was the best and my SIL's are all lovely.

I'm really not sure how I'd want to play this, I really really don't.

Sending hugs and I'll meet you for lunch on a Tuesday x