To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

It’s so rude and inconsiderate of them all, I’d be really hurt too.
If there is a reason why you can’t make this lunch date, why can’t they rearrange to a day you can do, it just comes down to you not been favoured enough to be included.
I was excluded too, from Ex’s family stuff but we live 200 miles away-but I honestly think if we were local they’d find another excuse.

Sending a big hug and a virtual lunchtime latte your way!
whilst married to my first husband, I lived a couple of streets away from MIL, SIL and other DIL. They were all thick as thieves and before I moved (from hours away) they said they’d be round a lot to introduce me around etc and make sure I settled in. Well I moved up, and didn’t see them for dust! They met up every school holidays so the cousins could play, but despite being at home with two similar-aged kids, they never asked me. Worse was when, if the other DIL or SIL turned up at MILs with the kids, the in-laws would stop what they were doing, and if going out said they go out later. When (now ex) DH encouraged me to ‘pop’ round, I was bluntly told at the doorstep that they were busy or going out. Needless to say I stopped going! He did ask them why they were all arranging things without me, they said they didn’t realise HE was off work! Totally ignored him when he asked about me.
anyways, it wasn’t pleasant. Glad DH has your back.
xx

Spoiler alert
RTFT
She did not. Or she did but it was a sorry not sorry for leaving you out for a year

I can see why you are upset . I would be too . I would stop ding things for her other altogether. If she ever asks why tell her the reason . Don’t be a doormat when clearly you are not apreciated

That's really horrible, so sorry.

Just ask her politely if there is a reason why you have not been invited and put the ball straight into her court. Ask yourself also if you really would like to go or you are just, very understandably, put out.

That’s so crappy of them and so hard for you. I really do empathise OP.

The only way to deal with this is for husband to ask MIL directly. Not with you there as it gives her an opportunity to react honestly. Or for you to address this head on and send her a message “Dear MIL, I have recently heard that you and X, X, X have been meeting up every Tuesday for lunch. I have always thought we had a good relationship and feel a little sad that I have not been included. Have I upset you or any of the others? If so, I would be grateful for the opportunity to put things right. Love X”. This way you’re not getting snippy, or blaming, just expressing how you feel and passing the ball to her.

I hope you get some resolution x

I would guess your MIL likes to be Queen Bee and that's easier with her other DILs than with you.

As the OP says her MIL doesn’t really think of her as an adult because she’s known her since her teens, that seems pretty unlikely.

That's just your speculation.

It was very naive and stupid of all of them to think OP wouldn't find out when they all live locally and everyone knows everyone else to some degree. It is just mean and the MIL couldn't have been unaware of how it would look even if it did just evolve organically. And to then lean on her to help her out is really out of order. I hope they all feel really bad about it because they should

Reading your posts I am struck by how unpleasant you are.

you don't strike me as a total nightmare and I completely understand how upsetting this must be.
the person that you are responding is being unnecessarily unpleasant and I say this as someone who rarely pulls their punches

however I will give you one piece of advice as an older woman who has had their share of ups and downs, This too will pass. It sounds a cliche but is nevertheless true. try not to ruminate on it.

I suspect that your MIL is feeling worse than you right now.

Bunch of mean bitches, hope you are OK 🩷

@GoldenLegend, I’m not ‘speculating’. See this post by the OP who says her MIL doesn’t really see her as an adult because she’s known her since she was a 15 year old in a school uniform, while her other DILs arrived in her life as fully fledged adults whose opinions she respects more.

If the MIL were interested in being ‘Queen Bee’ over her DILs (though there’s no evidence she is), it would be far easier to dominate someone she views as childlike, hence no reason not to invite the OP.

One of them doesn't like you otherwise they would invite you..not necessarily mil

What makes you think it's MIL that's to blame? It could be one (or two, or all) of the others that doesn't want you there, if that's the case.

Crikey

How hurtful

MIL, as the senior member, should treat her offspring/in laws as equals and should have acted better

She's made a huge mistake. She knows it too . I would imagine she's feeling guilty as hell

I’m sorry this has happened to you. I hope you have a good group of friends unconnected to the family that you can spend time with. Sounds like MIL has been taking you for granted. Time to be less available to help or do favours and put in some boundaries. They need to earn your respect back and include you in family things. If they choose not to do that then they are not supportive family, time to distance yourselves. Hopefully the brothers can all stick together and correct this.

What makes you think it's MIL that's to blame? It could be one (or two, or all) of the others that doesn't want you there, if that's the case.

Well no one thought to invite Op or respond to any of her suggestions to meet up so it would seem that none of them are bothered about her!

Sorry OP that you have to go through this. If I were you I would try and not give it another thought. Yes, you have been excluded whether they admit it or not. Don't let it dent your self esteem. Get out to other gatherings, playgroups and meet other mums and kids to socialise with. It's their loss.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I agree. And DH isn't the hero people are making him out to be. Confronting his mother in this manner would have been fine if the intention was to go NC after, but if the idea behind it was to make them include the OP more, then it was a terrible move. Because all he has done is shame people and create an atmosphere that will impact the OP. It will be impossible for her to know now if any invites ever given are genuine or forced. She will never know if she is genuinely wanted. She's always going to feel uncomfortable around these people. That is going to be horrible for her. I doubt this is what she wants. DH will be fine, though.

Do not ask, don't give them the satisfaction. They don't want you there, so why would you want to be there.
Definitely dont get your hubby to ask.
Just don't do anything for mil anymore if you don't want too.
Just don't ask, you might not like the answer, and you don't want to.be asked only because you said something anyway
If it didn't come natural forget it.

It’s nasty and even more so that mil is defending it, it would be nice if sils contacted you directly to make amends, hopefully this will happen. In the meantime take a step back for a while.

Oh, go away. Tedious person. I haven't even bothered to read your essay.