To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

But then they don’t get to look clever in front of everybody for spotting what nobody else could spot!

What’s the point of platitudes? there’s no evidence the MIL is feeling worse or awful etc. MIL hasn’t apologised

I agree. And DH isn't the hero people are making him out to be. Confronting his mother in this manner would have been fine if the intention was to go NC after, but if the idea behind it was to make them include the OP more, then it was a terrible move

He probably thought he had to "solve" it as Op was upset.

Sadly though coupled with Op's suggestions not being responded to, the clues were there.

Well, it’s not entirely clear you’re able to read, if you think that someone repeating what the OP actually said is ‘speculating’. Good luck with that.

But he didn't solve it. He made it worse for the OP.

I don't think the OP's husband is "a hero". I think he is right to have her back and personally I think it's right to bring this kind of stuff into the open. The alternative is that OP and her DH know, feel awkward, withdraw, get criticized for reframing the relationship with the others without any acknowledgement of why that was happening, that OP was given a role in a game she didn't sign up for and didn't know was being played. So much of this stuff thrives on secrecy and silence. No need for dramatics, just to ask a simple direct question, get a response. No game playing, strategies, tactics etc. Don't play. Life is too short for games like this.

Oh gosh OP. I imagine you feel quite marginalised and after 20 years of being in DH's life that must be especially hard.

Not to justify anyone's behaviour here... Is it a case that MIL sees you as safe e.g you're a known quantity and not likely to whisk her son and grandchildren off to live in another country?!?! I have experience of this in my family - it has made things very tense at times and made PIL behave (uncharacteristically) badly.

Whatever the explanation, try not to let it get you down. As Pp have said, look for the positives. Your husband sounds amazing and very sensible, you know it's nothing you've done, BIL understands why you're hurt and sounds like he will impress this on your SIL(s).
It might not seem so at the moment, but it is also positive that MIL is worried that you're angry. Hopefully this will give her cause to rethink how she treats you and she will stop taking you for granted and appreciate the loyal, helpful DIL you clearly are and (hopefully) she will become more mindful of how she treats you.

Whatever happens OP I hope you thoroughly enjoy the last of your maternity leave and treat yourself to a few lovely days out. You sound like a thoroughly decent person who doesn't deserve drama and upset. Take good care.

No shit!

That's what's going to happen now. The OP is going to feel awkward, withdraw, and get criticised. Invites will come her way, but she won't trust them, and she'll get the blame for not participating. Going forward, MIL and SILs will say, "But we invite her! We try to include her!" Or worse, she won't be invited or included. Family events will be painful and awkward, whereas before they were fine.

Dramatics have already happened.

This is what I was thinking.

OP unfortunately you just don't float their boat.

It doesn't matter why, and it doesn't mean you've done anything 'wrong'.

Leave them to it, back away and be thankful you've found out so you can stop being helpful when they decide they need you.

Head high, stay neutral.

Your husband sounds lovely.

You are not going to trust invites once you know you have been excluded from a weekly event for a whole year.

You should have left well alone.

Why would you chase people and beg them to let you go out with them. Madness. Was never going to end well.

I feel sad for you. Is your own mum alive? Are you two on good terms?

This.
I wouldn’t accept an invitation now.

She didn’t. Her husband was upset and spoke to his own mother about it.

This happened to me once and every time afterwards, when I was invited somewhere, Id curtly respond "well now you're just asking me because you feel obliged to, not because you want to"

How very attention seeking and martyred served with a side order of curt
All that As opposed to just saying No

Well he shouldn't have done.

Just because people are related by blood dosent mean they are going to get on and be in each other's company etc. Find some friends who you choose not just people because they are family.🙄.

No way would I or oh have pushed it if we weren't asked naturally.

I think it probably does have something to do with the fact that she met you when you were so young , you have in some ways stayed that way in her eyes? I love that you and your husband were friends first as teenagers sounds a real love story .

How is this worse for OP?

She's not likely to be doornatting herself for MIL anytime soon and going over playing nice and doing chores for a mean woman who can't be bothered to spend time with her. She hopefully will be stepping back from a toxic dynamic and she knows exactly where she stands with MIL and the other bitches. Her husband and she are likely the scapegoats and that will be her kids' role too, to be less than their cousins. Her hurt now will also be her kids hurt if she ignores this.

Yes this, I was cheering on OP and her DH who clearly seem such a good team and very solid.

It’s a massive shame they didn’t behave better OP but that’s on them, you’ve got nothing to regret and no guilt! I bet your MIL hand wringing about this is because she knew she was doing something wrong all along.

This is hurtful and you are not being unreasonable. You cannot go no contact as family but definitely pull back. Think of the phrase when people show you who they are - believe them. Concentrate on people who love you.

Not sure if it will make you feel any better OP, but as a migrant myself I can see how the two SILs might have formed a closer bond, perhaps they're from the same part of the world, it doesn't always work like that but sometimes you find you have more in common with people who are in a similar situation. Maybe the two SILs started meeting up and then involved your MIL who they seem as a mother figure, and her daughter just tags along? Maybe your MIL didn't think it was her place to extend the invitation to you? On the other hand, I'd never treat someone like they have, even if I didn't like them (unless they've done something horrible) so, at best, they're just terribly thoughtless.

Horrible behaviour. They honestly must have seen how this looked, especially as they know all the cousins are meeting up without yours.
Are your kids generally good company? Not bouncing off the walls or being too rough?
I'm sure they aren't, but just in case there's a reason they dare not mention.

Lots of posts on this thread speculating about why your face might not fit, OP, but remember that when your MIL wants help it fits just fine. You certainly don’t seem to have been quite such an afterthought when jobs needed done . . .