To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

Yeah but you could only do this if the OPs DH didn't phone his mum, it won't look like a chance encounter if the OP did this.....

Why are so many posters egging on the OP to do something else, take it up with the sisters in law, with the mother in law? Are you so ridiculously invested in 'what happens next' that you really don't care about the OP's wellbeing?

All of this exclusion has been orchestrated, on purpose, by this group of family women. OP has now played her hand, via her husband, and there is still nothing forthcoming but some of you would like her to prod again for your own amusement and entertainment.

OP must be beyond hurt, she hasn't posted back. There's nothing good about encouraging her to prostrate herself again at their feet, however much you'd 'like an update'.

If this is what you'd do to a real life friend then they'd be better off without you.

I agree with you ... except for the grandchildren/cousin element.

OP has family DC, too.

And that's really awful that they're also being excluded.

Well done to your DH OP, he did exactly the right thing.

Interesting that MIL went on the defensive, sign of a guilty conscience or just being found out. It's very easy to sustain the pretence that you didn't mean anything, until you are called out and have to justify it to someone else.

In terms of what you do OP I don't think it's up to you in anyway to try and repair whatever damage this has done. If it was me I would remain on civil terms, for the sake of DH if nothing else, but no way would I put myself out in any way to help MIL in future - should she have the nerve to ask that is.

Hear, hear.

I can't believe not one of them has contacted you since it came out in the open. There's absolutely no way that you didn't cross anyone's mind or were mentioned in regards to thinking it's poor form now to invite you.
Don't reach out op, they're showing you who they are and how little they care.
What has your husband said about the fact not one has contracted you?

The ball's in their court now. All of them, not just MIL At best they've been really thoughtless and now THEY have to put it right. Don't accept attempts to turn MIL into the victim.

The thing that makes mil's argument fall apart is when it comes to the children. An adult may have to suck it up if they are being excluded because people are allowed to choose who they socialise with, but it is unforgiveable to have the two sets of cousins playing together, getting to know each other while op's children are left out. That is, imho, really out of order and unkind.

Your husband sounds like a legend. It sounds like you have a lovely little family; and while I wouldn't suggest you don't see the rest of them anymore, at least you know now. Knowledge is power. No more favours.

I am also the only DIL who is never invited anywhere; I used to mind but now I don't. My little family is what matters most to me.

It's a good thing it's out in the open. I hope you are now able to lick your wounds and not let it fester in your mind though I appreciate it will be hard. You have a supportive DH who at least is tuned in to notice when he is being treated differently than his siblings by way of how you are treated.

I hope they can make this up to you.

Well if it's a tuesday lunch Ops kids would be at school & she would just have the baby.

So if it is to do with the toddler group/cousins playing together they may not have thought about asking.

But that doesn't explain not meeting up when Op asks.

So glad it's out in the open, it's disgraceful of the bunch of them not to invite you along, you must have been so shocked to hear about it. Well done to your DH for speaking up, hope your MIL is feeling totally ashamed of herself.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

well said.

I’m sorry but they just didn’t think is not a good enough excuse. In a WHOLE YEAR, not once have you been mentioned in conversation? Or none of them thought oh Sacredhandbag might like to join with her kids too.
Absolute nonsense. They knew, all of them and you’ve both been purposely kept in the dark.

So sorry they excluded you whether accidental or intentional it isn’t nice to be a) forgotten about or b) deliberately left out.
your DH sounds lovely.

I would be doing the bare minimum in future to help any of them out. If it was me I’d be polite but not go out of my way to help any of them

It is imo unforgivable that the cousins have been denied the opportunity to see each other weekly for almost a year, all of them not just yours, and just as that year and opportunity is almost up even if bow you did want to join them.

And that's just the kids. For myself I would personally feel robbed of that experience.

Your DH however is a star

Could it be a reflection of MIL’s perceived status of your DH in the family? Does she treat him differently from his siblings? The way you describe your DH’s reaction to all of this tells me that he is a kind empathic person who wants other people to be happy. I know a few people like him, who are just lovely but say their parents favour their siblings over them, even when the siblings are selfish and do nothing for their parents. I don't get it but it’s a thing so it sounds like this is about her and not you. I don’t blame you for being upset though and I’m glad your husband is being supportive.

This is really shitty of them

if, and if is using it lightly, it is how she says, and just sort of happened, and not one, not even your mil, thought, oh, we should invite op too, then they’re selfish bitches the lot of them

your dh did the right thing, my partner would be mortified if this was us.

can you see if there’s any local baby/toddler groups? And find some proper friends

Awe that’s not nice at all OP , it’s a strange one to be honest , I can tell from your post that ye all get on grand really all in all 🤷🏻‍♀️..
Odd though , that you find you get ignored on the family chat group …
I’d 💯 be asking your husband to find out what’s going on there though ..
I mean that is hurtful x

@Sacredhandbag

I was - sort of wondering - if the situation had just evolved thoughtlessly, but the BIL phone call where he says about the ‘different dynamic’ has made things worse.

I can - kind of - see that, if it originally started with you SIL : yes the relationship between Mum and Daughter is different to MIL and DIL.

The other two DIL’s - did they ‘just happen’ to meet them at the cafe before the toddler group at the church?? Have you ever been asked along to the church toddler group?

Are the other two DIL’s particularly good friends?

I think there is difference between family relationships and friendship relationships. Sometimes you are family AND friends, some times more just family. I consider my sister a close friend AND family, my brother - less so friendship wise. So I often see my sister and not my brother. It IS a different dynamic.

But - in a large group like that, with children. Yes - very thoughtless not to ask. Deliberate? I don’t know.

I really like the way your DH handled it. I wondering if there had been any ‘exclusion’ - whether the wife of the BIL who phoned may have instigated. And hence nominated to explain through BIL.

I sort of understand MIL’s explanation more than BIL.

Also - do the children all play happily together? Are there any dynamics there?

And - you are on maternity leave. Be kind to yourself, and try not to let their thoughtlessness upset you. You have the gift of being thoughtful - because you wouldn’t have behaved this way.

Do what we did and move well away from them, best thing we ever did xx

That is so hurtful! I’d definitely take a step back. A one-off would be excusable, as they could have been planning a nice treat for you as a thank you, but the exclusion from lunches and WhatsApp group is horrible. I’d like to know why you’re being overlooked, but I wouldn’t want to join in their toxic relationship. They’ll fall out with one another before long.

Please don’t help her anymore and take a step back from them. I wouldn’t want to join them.

OP, if you are still reading, I would suggest trying the best you can not to overthink this. I imagine that a good few people reading this thread recognise the dynamic because they have been on the receiving end of it at least once in their life (family, or a friendship group, or work colleagues). The benefit of putting it out in the open is that, after the hurt and the destabilsation gradually settles, it can be truly liberating for you. Sometimes in life we are given the role of 'sucker' in a game we didn't even know was being played. This is about group power dynamics, not about you as an individual. You have acknowledged the game, and you decline to play - you have better things to focus your energy on.

I wouldn’t let it fester. Just ring mil and say: as I’m on maternity leave can I join your regular meet up? Take it from there. She might say she was sorry she just didn’t think and of course you can. Be positive.