To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

100% agree. Its lovely to hear of a husband engaging their spine and straight up calling them out instead of minimising and excusing their family's bad behaviour it makes a refreshing change from the husbands who allow their horrible family to treat their spouse like shit and expect them to take it all for the sake of peace and to avoid the fall out. @Sacredhandbag You're DH is ace for calling them out and definitely a keeper!

Also OP as @LionME pointed out let them make amends don't reach out to them. I doubt they will make any effort to fix this but you don't need to be the bigger person here and forgive and forget what they've done is nasty and very hurtful especially as I reread your first post where you say you cared for your MIL whilst she was unwell, she's a nasty ungrateful bitch and she's shown that to everyone thats why she rang BIL because she looks very bad not one thought for your feelings after all you've done for her.

I would have my own fun with this and say to them all "by the way I know you have another group chat" its a bluff that they'll deny but they may be rattled enough to give the game away by their facial expressions that you'll have confirmation that they do have another group chat or they may be stupid and actually try to justify that! 🙄🤣

Why are people so thoughtless.
My husband has siblings, we have a group WhatsApp, all events are on there (I hope) and people opt in or opt out.
1 lives further away but agreed they like to know what's going on and don't feel left out as they know the invitation extends to them.
We pop to others houses for a quick coffee, but agreed early on that family meals, wives lunches and parties are inclusive.

I think this is a very good analysis.

The total lack of any culpability, or instantly expressed regret. Her reaction was instead defiant.
And she actually put the phone down on DH because she didn't want to continue the conversation. then gets BIL to ring up and argue her case. I don't think a BIL apology via your DH really counts for much. It should come from the lunch party. Mil should have turned up and apologised to you directly. And so should the SILs.

None of them contacted you yet, speaks volumes.
This must hurt, but at least it's out in the open.

It doesn't really matter what reason they thought they had, they now know that you've found out by accident and that you've been hurt by it. That should be enoug for them to express apologies for having hurt you.
They are only making this worse.

I think it would feel very awkward to turn up to the lunches now, if invited. If they were going to invite you at all - they should have done it as soon as they knew.

Ok I've been following this and I just wanted to say, well done to DH for just bringing it up. You'd have been stewing on this for ages and at least now you know what the response is, as feeble as it is.

Well done to your DH for confronting the situation. I definitely wouldn't let this go. The next step I'd take is to call my SILs for a chat & ask them how they would feel. It's worse if you let these things fester as it can only escalate. Be brave & do it. I'd also go over to speak to mil face to face. All this messaging nowadays has a place but it can never replace face to face chats when issues occur, in fact it can make things worse. If this doesn't get sorted it's the children who will suffer & that's unfair on them all.

Have read OP’s previous thread about struggling with her DD, she could really do with some support.
It is not helpful that MIL thinks her DIL is good enough to help her/wait in for deliveries but not invite her out.
What does it take to invite a new mum to sit and have a coffee once a week? Especially one who is part of the family.
Feels very bitchy to me, and the MIL knows she’s in the wrong. That’s why she’s put the phone down!

I’m glad your dh is supportive, as he should be. The bar is so so low for men; not sure all the praise for him is necessary, when all he did was behave as a mature adult should.

I would definitely do it. BUT your husband sounds like a sensible person and it might be better to go along with his idea rather than to give in to dramatics.

Yes this. Take husband with u for
Support.

Omg this made me choke on my cup of tea 🤣🤣

MIL has reacted so defensively because she knows she was in the wrong. Had likely considered privately if she should invite you and decided to keep her little secret gathering. She’s been caught, and that shows in her reaction and her calling around upset and scared you’re/her son is mad at her. You both have every right to be. Also SIL’s. Neither of them have included you or in fact your child.

I would be so upset if this was done to my husband by a parent and inlaws, so unkind.

When people show you who they are, believe them.
They did this week in, week out, knowing you were on mat leave and had asked to meet up.

Completely unforgivable.
I don't want to be one of those people who moves on and lives a life of being used and shat upon by those that are supposed to be family.

Absolutely not.
Let them OP, as Mel Robbins wisely says.

They are horrible people and now you know.

Of course you can pass them off politely going forward.

But NEVER be used by them again and I would be so clear to your husband that there is NO fixing this.
Show him that you know your self worth.

If you have ever considered moving, I would put it back on the table as a long term goal, preferably before your children start school and sports.

Nothing quite like moving even a bit away to show the lay of the land to them.

But obviously only if it suits you.

Then report if you're so sure

I think the fact that these lunches take place on Tuesdays was a deliberate Easter egg in a made up story. Good one though.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

Yes, I can understand why you have refused this for now. Is it because you worked on a Tuesday before maternity leave?

Read the OP's posts @MikeRafone, he did talk to her.

Your DH sounds great OP.

I actually think this was horribly spiteful of your MIL and SILs.

Its not just about you - they have purposely excluded their grandchildren/cousins.

@Sacredhandbag did any of the lunch ladies reach out to you since last night?

@Edcc "When people show you who they are, believe them."

Absolutely this ^

That’s true but they’ll think she is well beyond the toddler group age if her kids really are 7 and 11.

I have read all the OP’s posts, the first 19 pages of replies and have calculated that I am probably older than MiL.
This sad matriarch has surrounded herself with two fawning acolytes and a calculating DD. Your “fault” (yeah, sure) is that you are the best educated and successful one of the four. Jealousy underpins their actions.
Your MiL has used you to give herself a sense of superiority. They have all silenced your requests for a meet up and deliberately excluded you from theirs. Now MiL is trying to play the victim, selfishly overlooking the harm she has knowingly caused you.
You cannot win with such people. Walk away, build other relationships and drop your rope for the other three women to pick up when MiL needs you.

The OP mentioned that her Sister's -in-law do have kids and that they picked this cafe because of it's location and that they have a play group that operates near to the cafe that the cousins of the OP's kids go to.

Why does the age of the kids even factor in to the fact that the MiL & Sisters-in-law haven't extended an invite to the OP to join them. The location is ideal for young families and they are actively (or passively) excluding the OP and their niece(s)/nephew(s). That is the crux of the matter.

The three of them have a regular meet up that purposefully doesn’t include you
I cannot see why you want to interject yourself into a group who don’t want you?
It is self evident that they don’t want you,accept that, don’t get caught up in a drama regarding this. I cannot see how they can be compelled to accept you at the Tuesday meet up. If forced to invite and include you they'll feel they were socially manipulated or have to maintain a social veneer of inclusion.

I get why it is hurtful, it’s exclusionary and demonstrates preference. But I genuinely don’t see why you’d push for inclusion, it’s not spontaneously or graciously offered. If they do invite you, it’ll be because of behind the scenes calls and pressure.

Frankly, leave them to it,They have a sycophantic circle and confer an elevated status to your MIL and she reciprocates by making them the 2 favoured DIL. You’re really not going to slide in to that triangle

Great post 👏

This is all so shitty. And if it was totally casual and they innocently never thought to mention it then surely it would have come up in passing conversation at least at somepoint?
I would be so hurt by this and don't see how the relationship could ever really recover. I'd be taking a big step back from the relationship with MIL especially, you can't make people want to spend time with you but you can choose not to leave yourself open to this kind of treatment again. Absolutely would not be popping over to help her out ever again. No point in a big falling out, just remember this and keep your distance.