To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

Is there a chance they were actually friends?

@Sacredhandbag had already suggested meeting up with her SiLs as she's on mat leave (before she knew about the Tuesdays) and didn't get anywhere.

They've made their point and it's not a nice one

Oh that's not the same!

They're family not random friends

Stop reaching

Firstly well done DH for having your back. Secondly some people just have a mean streak whereby they are so keen to be part of an incrowd they don't need a reason to exclude someone else. It is selfish and cruel and once they're called out upon it I think they realize how appalling they look. Please don't let this affect your confidence. This is not about you it's about them. Going forward include cousins in birthday parties and so forth. But leave the other adults to get on with it. I'm sorry this is happening to you. It is painful and vicious and completely uncalled for. They are just not nice people

It’s really cruel of them. It may have started as one or two of them, but once it became a regular thing with the four of them there’s no way they didn’t think “oh we should invite OP too”. I wouldn’t say anything further unless they bring it up, but I’d keep my distance and stop doing MIL any favours.

But the good thing here. Sounds like you have a lovely DH who has your back.

I feel for you OP. What happened was pretty poor behaviour on their part. Your MIL definitely owes you an apology, a genuine face to face apology. The others should too.

The remaining important question is how to move forward from here. You determine that based on your personal circumstances, i.e. that you all live in a small village, live close by each other, you are back to work full time, you have young children, this aside the overall relationship with the wider family. Things don’t always have to be all or nothing, relationships between families change over the years, people make mistakes and in your case people behave like asses which we are all sometime guilty of. Take your own time and continue the relationships on your own terms. It is true that you can’t choose your family….

I wouldn’t go now if they do invite you. You will just feel uncomfortable. Bitches

Gosh how hurtful and confusing! Good on your husband to get things out in the open.
They will not change but please use this information to reevaluate your relationship with them. Don’t help your MIL with favours and don’t go out of your way for her. Back to basics, no extras. Actions have consequences.

You have a fantastic DH, I’m so glad he has your back.
I would have preferred face to face to see her squirm.

OP, does your own family live nearby? Do your kids have cousins on your side of the family?

For me, it would be irreparable damage to the relationship between us all, especially when taken with the fact that they ignore you on WhatsApp. They’ve shown you how they feel about you (whether that’s intentionally excluding you or just not even thinking about you). You’d have to be especially determined to force some kind of relationship with them after this. I don’t think there’s any coming back from it.

You have my sympathies; my mil is not my biggest fan. She gushes over the other DiLs but knows nothing about me (literally nothing; not my surname, when my birthday is, what I do for a living, she’s never been to our home and, for some reason I’m not quite sure of, she thinks we live near Trafalgar Square (we don’t live in London, central or otherwise). And it used to really upset me and I tried really hard to make her like me and show her that I was really good for DH, but now I’ve realised that, as a person, she’s not really my cup of tea either and I’m now free from having to listen to her or spend time with her. I’m certainly not available to drop everything and rush to her aid if she ever needed it.

I expect there’ll be an invite coming soon. I’d decline it, very politely, along the lines of ‘thank you for the invite but coming along at this stage would change the dynamics completely and make it very awkward and uncomfortable for all of us, which isn’t something that I’d want to subject any of us to. Maybe another time’. Also, hell would freeze over before I messaged any of them with invites, or anything else, on the WhatsApp group, or volunteered my spare time to help any of them out with anything. This is on all of them. All of them would have been fully aware that you were the only SiL not invited. And not one of the fuckers thought to invite you. Fuck them. They aren’t your friends and if they don’t want to think of you as family, then you don’t have to treat them like family. If they want to see the DC, let them message your DH. All you have to do is smile and say hello. That’s it.

@Sacredhandbag YANBU That's really hurtful!

To be honest OP I don't think they've been thoughtless I think it was deliberate and they're using the "we didn't think" as an excuse now they've been found out.

If it was indeed thoughtlessness then how come it hasn't been mentioned once? The times you asked to meet and they ignored you when they could have said "oh we're meeting at the cafe come along if you want" also the poster who mentioned that none of these plans were on the family whats app group, 100% they have their own group chat you aren't in which is where these meets up are planned

Second of all OP if they were thoughtless and it was innocent why not ring you and apologise for hurting your feelings and explain? Instead Mother in law made excuses, got off the phone and called DIL and BIL to tell them and BIL the flying monkey calls your DH to excuse, justify and smooth their hurtful behaviour over.

Also as for mother in laws spluttering reaction that wasn't thoughtlessness it was surprise that your DH dared to call her out! She could have offered an apology but instead she offered excuses and justifications for leaving you out and excluding you then called BIL to do her dirty work. Those aren't the actions of a thoughtless and apologetic person MIL is basically Regina George.

Personally OP I wouldn't go to the meet ups because you're only invited because they got caught and called out as the nasty cows they are. You'd sit there feeling awkward and so would they because its a pity invite the atmosphere would be awful as would the dynamic which I suspect is one of the reasons they also didn't didn't invite you along they like the dynamic when you aren't around and its just them.

Distance yourself from them OP. Be polite and civil but don't do any more than that. I would guess they use you for help alot too especislly MIL, if so you need to stop all that too they have freed you of any obligations to them and once you're past this you'll see how liberating it is not feeling like you have to bend over backwards to help them. They've shown you their true colours take it at face value.

If MIL and SILs are from other countries, is there a religious or cultural or caste or skin colour aspects there as well? Are they excluding you because they are one religious/racial/caste/nation group to which you do not belong?

This!

This is what I was wondering.....🤔

This is awful OP, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe for one minute it’s an accident either, they obviously know you’re being left out.

@Sacredhandbag yur dh is great. He has your back and has no issue being assertive and pulling his own family up when they’re disrespectful.
At least, that’s one thing MIL (and FIL) did well.

After that, please do nothing.
Dont contact them and let them take the first step and make amends,
I agree that there is probably more going on, like another whatsapp group with all them but you.
And I suspect none of them will take full responsibility tbh. Not with the reaction they’ve had to the news you knew…. And being pulled up in it.
Your BIL basically tried damaged limitation but knows it’s failing too.

It’s really shitty. Shitty for you and towards you. But it’s also shitty for your dh (because there is no way it’s not going to affect him and his relationship ,to them). And shitty first your dcs who, as a result, will have much ‘looser’ contact with his cousins/dad’s family.

She's already said there isn't on one of her posts.

That's really nasty OP and anyone would be upset, this is on them though - you sound lovely,

And as an aside, you sound like you have a really supportive dh who is willing to challenge his dm on your behalf. You're lucky bc a lot of men wouldn't do that.

Please don’t help MIL out anymore. If you’re not good enough for their little lunches then you can be not good enough for all the grunt work, too.

Mil isn’t from another country. Sister in laws are European. There are no religious, caste or skin colour aspects and cultures are mixed.

I think it is only the DILs who are from another country - they way i read it is that because thier own mums arent over here the MIL feels she has to be the mother to them - I am assuming if OP mum is around locally the MIL might feel she doesnt need her? Still doesnt excuse excluding her but might ahed light on the relationships.

I really relate to this @Sacredhandbag

DH is his mum's youngest, she had her first two with their dad and then almost 15 years later had DH with her second husband. So he really is "the baby" of the family plus he's autistic with dyspraxia, only diagnosed at about 15 years old just before exams etc. The two of us have been together since 17/18 and we're "quirky" - punks who went to festivals, sci fi conventions, had board game nights etc. Despite us both having good, stable jobs, no debt, no relationship drama etc I still think mil struggles with the fact that we are actually Very Responsible Adults 🤣

It's only since we've had our son (also autistic) and she's seen the work we put in with him that she's started really seeing us as anything but the quirky kids with blue hair!

More appropriate name would be the 'See you next Tuesday' group

Quite.