To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

Changing some personal details is understandable for confidentiality. I’ve done it myself. But this update shows a very different situation

Don't do that.. don't excuse their shitty behaviour with nonsense. They could still invited her for lunch. Mil could have had the said grandkids once or twice throughout the whole year they met up for op to attend if it was really as stupid as they don't want kids there.

Your dh rang your mil then your bil rang your dh?! If you wanted this addressing you should have had a quiet word with mil. Or subtly let them all know you knew about the lunches. To get the men to sort it is just weird.

If they didn't have a problem with you before they surely do now.

Like others I'm presuming you changed details to make it less identifying, we all do it.

I think it's the toddler group dominating things. They've either deliberately decided that your child isn't old enough to go e.g. is it advertised as being 2 years upwards?, or it didn't cross their minds that you were around and able to join.
I think you probably have something with the MiL taking you for granted and still seeing you as a schoolgirl. She's not needed to get to know a new adult in her grown up child's life and welcome them, because you've always been there. So she doesn't think about you and making sure you are included in the same way.
None of this makes their actions excusable. I'm not surprised that you feel hurt about it, I think it would take a rhino hide multiplied to not let it get to you. One good thing to come from it is that you know your husband has your back.
Decide now what your move will be if they do ask you along on Tuesday. I would probably be gracious and go along to the lunch, grit my teeth and just do it the once. Then noone can throw at you that you refused their invite.

At least they’ll have something to talk about on Tuesday! Seriously though. It’s not on what’s been happening but as others say be too awkward going now. As an afterthought and you’re going back to work soon. Think your wee family needs something fun to do to level the universe. Weekend away? Cosy night in with favourite food or tipple. DH a hero for way he handled it. Got yourself a good man there. Be interesting to see what happens now and to see which SIL will spend whole day waiting for MILs parcels… probably ordered a cauldron! 🧙‍♀️

👏👏👏👏👏 yes to everything you said. What's really angering me is how on earth did this woman (mil)manage to get so worked up instead of feeling bad she offended op. And the others.. not a single message of reassurance if that was me I'd be straight on the phone to say sorry . Ppl think they are too good to say sorry these days. I personally don't like one of my sils but I always include her in anything I arrange and if I really don't want to see someone in the family I don't arrange anything. Ppl may think its justified.. ppl are free to see how they want and and so on and of course Ppl are free but bloody hell abit of respect is ok as well.

Totally agree that if I was the mil in this scenario, if I genuinely was sorry, I’d be straight on the phone with an explanation and an apology AND an invitation!

Gosh this is incredibly hurtful. My own MIL wouldn’t do it (although it doesn’t apply) and it is just mean.
Let’s not walk past the role of the SILs here too. Neither made a point of telling you at all even when you were on maternity leave. Neither have phoned since. They’re the shameful ones.
Is it possible they’re best friends and your MIL feels she’s the spectator and not able to dictate their arrangement?

Oh this is all so hurtful.

I do have to say though absolute stirling workm from your husband and brother in law communicating about it all.

I think that sadly you've discovered your MIL isn't that nice a person.

I would feel very hurt too xxxx

Aww OP, that's really rubbish. No wonder you're feeling hurt and confused

Agree. Lots of previous comments on relevant threads yet surprisingly no mention of baby/maternity in the context of those threads.

In which case she can no longer expect any help from you, can she? She’s been very foolish to allow this situation to develop, unthinking and it’s now become a huge thing which she won’t be able to escape. Burnt her bridges, hasn’t she?

But even if it is a pre toddler group lunch someone might have thought "why don't we ask Sacred if she'd like lunch?"

If there is no baby/maternity leave then it would make sense why there was no invite.

Whilst it’s good your husband has your back, he may have messed up by letting them know that you know, and he may mess up again in the future by keeping the wound open and continuing to discuss this with them, thinking he’s supporting you.
So you are likely now going to have to manage him as well as managing your relationship with them. Thank him for supporting you and let him know you’re fine now.
Knowledge is power - you know how you’re perceived now, so keep relations between you light and cordial, but step back from going the extra mile for MIL.

good on your DH, your BIL is caught in the crossfire but was also making excuses.

So now in your shoes? I would leave all the WhatsApp groups and leave DHs family to him. And get on with your life without them. It will sting a bit but that is how it is sometimes. I felt awful that i didn't like my SILs and persisted with contact but it was awkward. And they were mean about me behind my back. And so i just stopped. No announcement, no nothing. And i have no idea if they even noticed, or if they mentioned it to DH because he wouldn't bother me with stuff i don't care about.

She is maybe a sahp or works part-time and off on a tue, whatever. The point is she is available and they don't ask.

Come on OP, we need you to come back and clarify the situation. You're obviously a prolific poster who gives useful advice on other threads. Lots of posters change details.

I'm really sorry OP - it is so hurtful to be excluded

i also think it would be cool if at some point in the future when MIL needs help that OPs DH says "haha, what do you think her answer will be now?"

I had similar with my mother in law before l married her son.
I'd stay alternate weekends there, arriving Saturday tea time as my boyfriend worked Saturdays.
Almost without exception, my brother in law's wife would be there. They'd be sitting in the kitchen, chatting. I'd sit in the living room on my own. I was never invited to sit with them, and they never came in to sit with me.
My mother in law to be was fine with me, I'd be given coffee, but it was very obvious that l wasn't included. I was young at the time and wouldn't have made an issue of it, but l wouldn't put up with it now.
My husband to be, in laws and sister in law were all from the same town, l wasn't. They all knew/had been to school with the same people.
I just felt very uncomfortable and left out. If l'd known then what l know now about how they were going to exclude me (and my husband never said a word, he never stood up for me) l wouldn't have married him.
It's incredibly hurtful. I'm so sorry, OP. I know how you feel. x

Blimey, that’s awful. They all owe you a huge unreserved apology. No excuses.

Neglect is still abusive and unkind. They neglected to invite you for an entire year (about 50 meet ups FFS), without any apparent good reason. They didn’t appear to give you a thought. All three of them. It doesn’t matter who arranged it, any of them should have said “we must invite @Sacredhandbag”. The outcome was they excluded you every time they met. If it was a one-off, maybe it’s an oversight. But once it became a regular thing, they can’t argue it was unintentional.

I can nearly always see the other side in MN scenarios. But in this one, I really can’t. They’ve been hugely thoughtless towards you, and your DC. Also, if you live in a small place, there was always a risk you’d find out. As you say, you could have turned up and found them all there, which would have been horrible for you. Did they not think of that either? Are they not too bright?

I’m not at all surprised you’re shocked and upset. Anyone would be.

And it’s now too late to include you, as you’re going back to work. I really hope they feel mortified and apologetic. If they continue to double down by minimising it, making crap excuses (SILs are from abroad) or playing the victim because you’re upset, it’ll make things far worse and you’ll know you have an even bigger problem on your hands.

The only way they can hope to fix this now is to be very mature and humble and profusely apologise for their thoughtlessness and say they know it must hurt you (as it would them) and they want to show you how much they care about that.

Are you actually saying you wouldn’t have helped MIL with laundry while she was ill if you knew she was socialising with your SILs? That seems insanely petty to me.

Not petty at all - OP’s existence is remembered when favours need doing, but not when it comes to socialising. MIL can ask the favoured DILs when she needs help in future. Remember, it’s n not been a one-off, these lunchtime meetings have been going on for ages plus OP’s suggestions of meeting up have been ignored. Now that is petty!