To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

Oh, this is it, OP. This really feels like it’s the root of the problem - she doesn’t view you or relate to you as an equal adult; you’re almost part of her brood, as someone who’s been around and part of the furniture since pretty much childhood. The others are more new and exotic; they’re women she’s had to treat from the get-go as adults, and though there’s an implication she needs to mother them in some way, I suspect she sees them more as peers and feels the need to impress and cosy up to them in a way that doesn’t feel necessary with you.

In other words, she takes your solid and longstanding relationship - and your loyalty - for granted, whereas with the others she feels the need to work a bit harder to maintain and nourish those ties.

It does sound like there was never an intention to purposely exclude you and they’ve all just got into a pattern without really thinking about how shitty and thoughtless they’re being, but that doesn’t make it any less hurtful.

They should be scrabbling to apologise and make it up to you, but it sounds more like your MIL is doubling down into defensive mode atm, so don’t hold your breath. Whilst I don’t think you should do or say anything drastic, as it sounds like your extended family is otherwise a pretty happy unit, and that’s worth a lot, you’re perfectly entitled to let them know how much their thoughtlessness has hurt you, so let them stew and worry for a bit. Might make them think a bit harder next time.

This is the crux of it - and, I’m afraid, I personally would agree to allow my DH to speak to his mother/SiLs and point this out. He is right that being direct is easier.

What they have done is utterly cruel and mean. It may be that it was a thoughtless thing by all the parties involved, but frankly, that’s not really good enough. If your DH is upset on your behalf, sufficient enough to offer to talk to his DM, then I’d let him. And I’d withdraw all offers of help going forward. MiL has three other young women who can step up in your place.

If it makes things awkward, that is their fault, not yours. This is a situation of their making. It does sound as though your DH is an absolutely lovely and supportive man, if that is any consolation. And that is worth more than belonging to a bitchy women’s collective.

@Sacredhandbag - you wrote "Haven't spoken to MIL again and don't really know what to do next 🤷"

My advice - do nothing. Absolutely nothing. They are now aware that you know they have been meeting up for a year and they can't do anything about the past but they should be trying to do something about the future.

Definitely withdraw from any requests of your help - you were only good enough throughout that year to do your MiL's laundry (that salient point seems to have escaped your MiL and clearly your other inlaws) but not to partake in a Tuesday lunch gathering. They have made their beds, now they must lie in them. They have caused a rift in the family and the cousins, all of them, will miss out as a result I have a feeling.

Value your time. Make other friends and socialise with them. I'd only socialise with the inlaws when absolutely necessary going forwards.

Well done to your DH having your back on this. I hope he will carry on having your back on this.

When they try to play the victim or say they simply didn’t think..

Remind them of all the times you asked to meet up in the chat and you were ignored. They had the opportunity to say come along on Tuesdays but none of them did.
They must have a group chat without you and who knows that they have said about you to all be on the same page as to never mention it.

It is quite relevant, because she claimed to be on mat leave sitting at home lonely and messaging them for company.

I’d think this is being led by one/all of your SILs. They probably invite MIL along and she doesn’t feel able to invite you too. So I’d not be too harsh on her.

on the other hand that is crappy of whichever SIL/SiLs don’t invite you along.

Good advice above

I expect you will be invited to join them soon. Have your reply ready

If you want to go, go. Don't cut your nose to spite your face

If you don't, you could reply "a year, 6 months or two weeks ago, I would have loved to join you all. Right now, I feel it would be too awkward and not enjoyable for any of us"

Imagine the scenario where op is with mil and asks "how's your week?"
Mil would be very aware that she's met up with dils but would have to remember not to mention it.
This is more than "Oh we didn't think! It's not like that!"

I'd definitely do this except I'd phrase it "One of the other Tuesday Club members can step in here to help you as it seems I'm only worthy of washing your laundry and waiting in for packages for you, which by the way, I'm handing in my notice on and not doing any more for you".

They fucked this up - magnificently. You can hold your head high and not do another thing for these people.

"it just became a really convenient thing for them because the kids love it and there's a toddler group at the church round the corner that starts at 2 pm that they go to so it just became convenient for them to come for lunch first and then go to that"

Could it simply be that they all meet for lunch because they go to the toddlers group at 2 pm? So they didn't invite you because your child is only 11 months old and not old enough to go to the toddler group.

Op you have been great and your DH. Usually they make a mess of it

Please keep us updated.

It's kids orientated cafe with play area for tots!

Presumably the 7 year old is in school much of the time.

I agree that you should do nothing now.

MIL will go into victim mode if any more is said. Just completely withdraw from the lot of them and only see them when it’s unavoidable. Be civil. Keep the moral high ground. If they raise the issue, say “I dont wish to discuss this.” Walk away.

MIL has lost her lackey. Don’t you dare do any more jobs for her.

The troll hunting.. People change details all the time not to be recognised.

Also remind them of the times when you were in MiL's house doing her chores and she never extended an invite to the Tuesday Club.
I'd emphasise that they have, to all intents and purposes, set themselves up as a club that meets on a Tuesday but they have limited the membership to themselves only.
With 52 Tuesdays in a year, they have excluded you from 52 opportunities to meet up here.

I’m so sorry OP, that’s awful of them. They may not have deliberately excluded you, but they have excluded you. be distancing myself a bit in your position. That’s so hurtful.

I don't believe for a moment that none of the 4 of them ever said "should we invite OP now she's on mat leave?" They have actively excluded you OP. I'm sorry, it sucks.

Interesting to see if OP comes back now.

Potentially a very simple answer if the others have kids of toddler group age.

At best it's ignorant at worst it's intentional exclusion. Now your dh has said something I'd keep my distance and make less effort with them. Be polite and pleasant when together but don't go above. Match their energy.