To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

It may have started organically, but once an established meet up, going on for a year, why would they not even mention it to op once she was on maternity leave, never mind not extend an invitation?

There have been lots of opportunities to mention it presumably if Op was around at mil’s house helping out, why wouldn’t she just say, you know I don’t know why I didn’t say something before, but I meet your sils on Tuesdays at lunch time, why not come along?

I hope you are ok. It’s never great being made to feel hurt. 💐💐

OP has said that she regularly posts in the family WhatsApp group asking to meet up and she receives no responses from her SILs or her MIL.

She found out about the regular lunches from the cafe owner.

I was thinking that. Any of the others could have spoken about it but feels like they're all the same

@user1492757084 Once you heard of the outing, Op, why did you not just inquire while you were out having coffee with your SILs or MIL one time? that, sadly, is the whole point of this thread! she was not privvy to the coffee invitations!

Nah. I definitely don't. What I have done is be rational and explore different possiblities. That you are so wedded to not doing that is your choice and says a lot about you.

And nope, doing favours for someone does not mean someone is kind or helpful, necessarily, though it could, and sometimes does.

Just excuses op. You know how they really feel about you, even with all the apologising. Not one of them thought of you and your dcs.
It's so hurtful and I'd definitely step back from them and not help mil out anymore.

Mumsnet is mad! 😂😂😂 one poster has just said it could be because she flirts with her brother in law and anther says well her MIL probably sees her out for lunch all the time with her friends and hasn’t invited her…

why do people invent scenarios?? She’s even said she found mat leave lonely so why would you invent a scenario where by OP is out for lunch all the time

In her other post she doesn’t say ‘I only have two children… they are 7 and 11’

why can’t she be on mat leave?

Nope, I did not say that. Inventing comments is a bit mad though! 😅😅😅

As you know I responded to a poster who claimed that if there was a realistic reason not to like the OP it would have been discussed and in direct reply I gave three different possible scenarios where that might not be the case.

And then specifically stated I was not saying it IS that, but that not all issues are easy to bring up and sometimes easier to simply avoid.

Great though it is that op’s dh stuck up for her, and her bil to a certain extent, I think I would have preferred to handle this myself.

Next time I was alone with mil, I would have asked her directly why you hadn’t been included and how you found out. Then you would have got to see her honest, unfiltered reaction. And instead of becoming a big family ruction, it keeps it simple.

Then you could have seen whether it was a genuine oversight (unlikely) or whether there was some other reason. And it would have also given you the opportunity
to discuss and make your point gracefully without the whole family becoming involved. I do think it’s disgraceful that she excluded op’s gc too.

I am not saying it is this, but if say it was a problem like the cousins not getting along, then that might be a legitimate reason for not telling Op, for fear of hurting her feelings. As it is, it’s very hurtful to find out that you have been excluded for a year though !

In your shoes Op, I would be expecting a bunch of flowers and a face to face apology.

They are almost certainly not going to apologise. I think she should put her phone away, grey rock them, and get on with it.

FFS. What a waste of time, again.

Why do people do this? It's it some kind of weird attention seeking?

I just read her last thread and couldn’t see anything else about wanting a third??

That's mean. I know a little of how it feels, my DM used to have my sister and her kids over for dinner once a week and not invite me and my young kids. My DH had sport that night so wouldn't have come, it would have just been me and two little ones who would have loved a routine like that where they saw their cousins. But nope. Never invited. When I brought it up with my sister a few years later she completely denied the entire thing, which is fairly typical of my family. I would remain polite but don't forget it, and don't do any more favours for your MIL, she can get the favoured SILs to run her errands for her now.

I would turn up pretending that you didn’t know they were going to be there

What a lot of fuss about nothing. People are allowed to like you less than other people, even if (or especially if ) it’s a family/IL situation where they didn’t choose you. Your MIL and/or your SILs just prefer one another’s company. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either you or them, they’re just not seeking you out outside of family occasions where you’d naturally be present..

Are you actually saying you wouldn’t have helped MIL with laundry while she was ill if you knew she was socialising with your SILs? That seems insanely petty to me.

If the kids are 7 and 11 they wouldn't be coming to these lunches and spending time with cousins anyway, unless it was school holidays

@Sacredhandbag - I’m probably being really thick but if you weren’t on mat leave, would you normally be able to join the lunches?

I think your MIL has been insensitive and in your shoes I would be feeling hurt but it reads to me like something which evolved very organically and became a habit at a time when you couldn’t join.

Also, having a new baby around could be a bit different from having older pre-school children around.

I agree they’ve been thoughtless and your MIL has handled it poorly but I don’t think it’s necessarily an “anti-you” thing.

You aren’t at all being unreasonable to be upset but I’m just thinking it might not be about liking you or not liking you but just a habit formed at a time when you couldn’t join.

I think you are meant to report to HQ if you have concerns; not troll hunt.

Whether op has a baby or not is relevant to
this thread, but posters are allowed to change up the number of children they have in different threads to protect their anonymity.