To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

Cant help but wonder though, there are four sides to this and yours is only one.

There are three of them, one of you, what would their take be?

Although keeping it secret was not the most adult thing to do, perhaps they have a good reason for not inviting you. The OP is hardly going to admit that, or even necessarily see it.

They have not leapt to apologise or explain, have they? I guess they feel they did nothing wrong.I would love to know their reason for deliberately excluding you. Because perhaps it is a reasonable one.

Perhaps they were actually trying to cause less drama and upset by simply choosing to hang out with people they like and trust and were trying not to make a big thing out of it.

It is easy to say MIL should have told the reason when confronted, but maybe it is not her reason to tell, and maybe she just does not want to make everything worse and more dramatic.

I guess we will never know.

Ouch

@nope2025 I don’t think that requires any further thought or explanation, they obviously feel like they have a good, intimate dynamic amongst themselves and for whatever reason inviting OP & her kids changes that dynamic. Hence never getting invited. Whether that feeling is warranted or not, it doesn’t really matter at this point as it has already happened.

If they had a legitimate grievance I’m sure they would have said by now to save face, given the husbands are involved.

OP should just focus on her next steps now that she knows her place in the pecking order.

I disagree that they would have necessarily aired a legitimate grievance, people often don't, not wanting to rock the boat. What if the OP is super flirty with one of the husbands, for example. Or bitchy to one of them, or mean at gift giving, or any number of things.

Not saying it is that, just saying that might not be something you want to discuss among the family, but just stay away from.

You are right though, it does not, actually matter. I would still like to hear their point of view though out of curiosity.

For me, being used like that would smart as much as being left out. You know where you stand now and as you are returning to work the lunch is now moot unless you don’t work Tuesdays.

There will be a reason you have been left out but whatever that is they have excluded your children too. The cousins have had a whole year of playing together at least once a week and forming bonds (or growing to loathe each other) that your children are unlikely to be able to catch up with. The damage is done now so perhaps your husband won’t mention that aspect of the situation to his mother, but I hope he does

You have every right to be hurt and I would be too. Your dh sounds lovely though and he was very proactive in texting. You are aiming a lot of your hurt at your mil when really they are all equally to blame. When it became a pattern of them meeting up anyone of them could have thought that you are on mat leave and likely free so could have asked you to come along.

You have options, you can either raise it next time you speak to them or raise it now or as your dh has already done so wait for a reply. I wouldn't have expected your dh to text as you were the one to be left out but I don't agree with the whole dh dealing with his family trope that is trotted out on mumsnet. After 20 years they are your family hence why it hurts. Or you can take a step back and leave them to it.

My mil favours my sil and always has done. They have similar backgrounds both immigrants to the UK and so have more in common. Sil needs her more/is needy whereas I am not. This in turn makes mil feel important and valued as sil defers to her lots. I have a separate relationship with mil that I have worked on where she is loved and respected but she knows my boundaries and I do hers. If ever she hurts my feelings and there have been two occasions where she has I've raised them with her directly and she's apologised for being thoughtless. I maintain this relationship because there is no malice in her, she wouldn't deliberately be unkind. If she was it would be different.

It's good that your DH has said something. However, please stop helping your MIL and please stop trying to organise outings with your SIL. Are you close to your side of the family? Just focus on your side of the family from now on. If your Mil wants to see your child, then your DH can take them.

OP anyone would be hurt by this.

I'm going to give the SILs the benefit of the doubt and assume that they thought you had been invited by MIL but had declined.

How all the extended family respond to you now will shape the relationship moving forward. If it comes up I would be honest about your feelings. See how they respond. But ultimately do what makes you comfortable.

Have you even read OPs posts?

Personally I think the BIL's explanation sounds very plausible. It sounds like two SILs, who are both immigrants, got liking a playgroup at the church and that MIL met for lunch with one of them a couple of times and the meeting just grew organically.
I think it is fair to think that you, Op, have a lot of social connections in your home town and to think that you would know about the church playgroup and park etc and that you would have made your decision to attend - or not.

One or more of the other SIL might have specifically asked MIL out for coffee, saying that she was short of friends.
I do think that the whole thing was not to purposefully leave out, Op. It was rather them being supportive of lonely SIL..

Once you heard of the outing, Op, why did you not just inquire while you were out having coffee with your SILs or MIL one time? You could have asked if they minded you joining in too one Tuesday. And from there it could have been comfortable for them to hope you joined them again etc. An organic invitation.

This has been blown out of all proportion. Op should believe that her family are as they seem - nice and normal and friendly and supportive to each other. Let it go.
It should not be that family members are fearful to meet socially without inviting everyone.

Ok poirot - she didn’t say in the post ‘I only have two children’ she said she had a 7 year old and 11 year old on half term.

in the post above she doesn’t say she only has one child.

she also did a post about going to a local soft play. Doubt it was with the 11 year old.

what is your point??

Ouch, I'm so sorry OP. This must feel like a kick in the guts.

It's cold comfort, but from your updates, it does sound like your MIL and SILs like you on some level, especially if they're always warm and pleasant towards you otherwise. It simply sounds like you haven't 'clicked' with them the way that they have all 'clicked' with each other.

And that's ok. It's nobody's fault. Sometimes there's a particular dynamic that just happens to form with some people, but not others. It doesn't make you 'lesser' or inferior. In fact, given your updates, it sounds like MIL enjoys feeling 'needed' by your other SILs, whereas you're far more self-sufficient. It sounds if anything, that SHE is more reliant on you, if you're doing tasks for her. I'm not a psychologist, but maybe when she goes out to lunch, she doesn't want to be reminded of that dependency?

Would it have been kinder and more inclusive if they'd invited you along sometimes? Absolutely! But it sounds like their exclusion is due to mere thoughtlessness or indifference, not because they hate your guts.

Which is why I wouldn't go for the nuclear option (tempting as it might be to boycott all future in-law events), as I honesty don't think they'd care, or otherwise feel guilty! I'd just 'match their energy' and be pleasant and civil as usual.

However, I would stop doing favours for MIL. If any of them have the temerity to ask why, you can just say something breezily like: "Oh, we're not actually that close! It wouldn't be appropriate for me to be doing X favour, etc."

Agree.
And the 1st thing MIL does? Phones and speaks to either her son or DIL in a panic 'this has just happened; what do I do?!' Rather than apologise profusely and try and sort the situation.

Horrible all round...all 4 of them would KNOW they were excluding you and continued regardless. I'd definitely be distancing myself and bravo to DH for getting things out in the open.

Trouble is...you'll now get an invite, to which you'll say no because you know its been enforced upon them, and you'll then be regarded as a stuck up, mardy bitch!! Can't win 😕 🤷‍♀️

And he was like "yeah, yeah I totally understand but please don't think anyone has a problem with her because it's not like that, they just didn't think and mum is really worked up now thinking you are both really angry with her

Firstly.....what a BLOODY fabulous DH you have, OP. A star!

Secondly....BIL who made the phone call is pretty great too imo

Thirdly.....am I being daft or is it EVEN WORSE that they have no problem with you or your children but just didn't think about inviting you and your children?

I think I'd prefer it if they didn't like me because blah blah blah or they didn't like my child because.....

But to not even think about you???? What the fuck?

I do think, however, that you have the upper hand now. Think carefully about where you go from here and how you use this situation to your advantage

It may have been organic at the beginning but surely knowing your SIL is on maternity leave eventually you say he let’s invite op one week it will be lovely to see her and the kids especially considering op was asking about catch ups

Also MIL’s reaction to being asked about it sounds like a guilty conscience not “ahh oh yes I suppose I can see why she feels left out not our intention at all let me speak to her now “ MIL felt guilty and seen that’s why she got away from the call quickly

PS - why do my flower emojis keep morphing into angry faces? 😠

I think MIL would have been shell shocked because she honestly didn't think she'd intended to be mean - and it might not have been her planning the meet ups etc. either.
So, stunned into silence by accusation. Penny drops and she realises that Op is offended and is very upset.
It is natural that she will call the others.
If she immediately thought they must correct the situation and make Op feel welcome she has to confer with the other SILs - it is not MIL's call alone.
Over the years, in a small town, MIL would, have seen Op going about her social life (lunching with friends and family) and assumed that she was confident with her social set.

Does Op always invite MIL to join in when lunching out with friends and family?
The organic development of a lunch out to help newer SIL's feel part of small town culture is kind.

I don't think that OP needs to 'do her duty'. Why should she? The exclusion was clearly deliberate, otherwise she would have received profuse apologies, at least from her MIL, for unintentionally leaving her out and upsetting her.

I would absoutely keep my distance now and all favours to MIL would stop.

This is really strange op!

Maybe if your mil knew you as a teen and you were the first gf to go out with one of her sons, and she found that hard to accept initially, you have been landed that role forever in her mind, like the Yoko Ono of the family, whereas she’d got used to it by the time her other sons wives or gfs came along.

It’s such poor behaviour on her part though and the fact that she hasn’t rung you speaks volumes.

How you handle this going forward is very tricky! Personally, if I didn’t receive a full apology or explanation initiated by mil herself, I would be distancing myself.

Did you not read the OP?

@Sacredhandbag your DH handled that really well 🙌🏼 I would be stepping right back from his family though and absolutely not helping mil going forward. Cannot believe she hasn’t profusely apologised…

You do seem to be trying to find some reason to blame OP for her exclusion. We only ever hear an OP's side of the story so can only take it at face value but from her posts, OP seems reasonable and measured and genuinely really hurt.

We know that she has done quite a few favours to help her MIL so I'm assuming that OP is a kind and helpful DIL as I have no reason to think otherwise.