To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

I don't think anyone is scrabbling around planning what to say. I bet they say a big fat nothing and act like it never happened / they were never caught. Just like the BIL primed it to play out.

OP, I guess you'll have to just do what so many people do when it comes to family: Do your duty when you have to and just bite your lip
Do your duty , are you having a laugh ?

Aw op, that is really shitty. My mil used to invite my DHs ex around for coffee and a chat. I think it’s because the ex sucked up to mil in the very short time they dated and I didn’t.

There's no automatic requirement that kids "grow up with cousins." OP's kids can find other companions.

Cousins may well be as toxic as their parents.

Eff these lot. Seriously. I’d be taking this as a huge ticket into getting out of doing anything for her in the future

I’m getting the impression from what you said… are the other two seen as more ‘glamorous’ for whatever reason? And you’re a nice normal person but kind of taken for granted? It’s just so rude! I hate childish schoolyard behaviour like this

I hope you don’t take this situation as a measure of your worth because honestly these people just sound like people I wouldn’t ever want to spend time with. Lots of hugs ❤️

It could be they didn't want your LO there rather than you. It could be that MIL or one of SILs is not keen on you. Or it could genuinely just be thoughtlessness - but if so then as you say MIL surely would have said- oh no, I am so sorry, didn't mean to exclude OP. In any case, they're not worth it. Don't invest any extra energy in the relationship with them beyond what's necessary to keep civil relations. And as a PP said focus on how awesome your DH is who properly had your back. Find some new mum friends - NCT was a good route for us bit obviously your baby is now older, any groups you could take LO to?

All this being said, I don't know how she for shame hasn't invited you

It's totally shit of her

It hurts. I just found out my friend group has been doing stuff without me. I would just accept it for what it is, don’t go now even if they do invite you. You need to focus your time and energy on the people that do include you. You will either get a fake apology that will force you to say oh that’s fine, don’t worry about it, I was just worried I had done something to upset you, or nothing will be said and you all will just have this elephant in the room with you forever. But on the bright side you don’t need to do favours for MIL now, and your Dh sounds really caring.

I’d be so over them and take a huge step back. I’d stop posting in the group chat at all, stop suggesting meetups with SILs or Mil. Let DH manage his own family and when you’re seeing his Mum etc. I’d also prioritize doing things for YOU. Go see a friend, get your nails done, go for a nice treat out etc if he’s going to his mothers. All effort would have to come from my DH now. Be as low effort as they have been. My kids are the only grandkids not with my MIL all the time and they notice a huge difference and being lower contact actually really benefits my kids as they don’t see the discrepancies in how they are treated as often. Don’t listen to people pushing the cousin angle. Your kids have each other!! Your mil didn’t give a shit about seeing your kids!! Don’t let her treat your kids or you like this!! Social wise try and find a weekend baby/toddler group, join a walking group, prioritize your family and friends. The isolation will get less OP I promise if you focus on you and your lovely kids. If you can’t distance for you do it to save them from a nasty grandparent who treats them differently to all the others. She sounds a real witch

I know this hurts and I know it's really unfair, but they've shown their true colours and you should believe them.

Also MIL isn't a good grandmother. Good grandparents don't knowingly exclude their grandchildren from family activities.

From now on, make as much effort as they do. Treat them as acquaintances. Cordial, but not close. Surface conversation and small talk. They don't need to know the deeper details of your life. Token gifts, rather than thought out gifts.

If you all end up attending a family get together, don't snub them, but focus on socialising with other people attending who are actually worthy of your time and attention.

When MIL gets over her bruised ego and asks for your help/time again (and she will, because your the one she uses); I would be all bright and cheery and say "I'm unavailable. Ask SIL's on Tuesday, I'm sure they'll be happy to help you".

Other than than telling MIL to ask SIL for help on Tuesdays whenever she asks you, never instigate a conversation about what they did again. As far as they're all aware your over it. And if they try to have a conversation about it, and that conversation doesn't start with an genuine apology, shut it down. "What's done is done, and we all have to live with the consequences. I'm not interested in discussing it further at this time."

Also - I know this is incredibly petty, but if the in laws tell anyone a different version of events, I would make sure people know why there's a shift in relationships 🤷🏽‍♀️

Your MIL is a stone bitch. Sil and the other dils aren't any better. Two thumbs up to your husband for calling her out on excluding you. She and the bil are full of bullshit.

Stop helping her. She has no respect or care for you, let the sil and dils that she hangs out with do the work. I would never have another thing to do with her or the others. Be civil but distant when you run into them but no more favours for people who think you're ok as their gofer but not good enough for a lunch. It's also time to block BMIL from your phone and leave any family chat. They don't see you or treat you as family.

That's really shitty I'm sorry. How hurtful. Definitely stop helping mil. She doesn't deserve it and doesn't respect you. Let them all enjoy their poxy lunches. Maybe one day one of them will be excluded and see how it feels. Your dh sounds lovely

Wow, the fact that non of them have called you speaks volumes imo! So sorry op!

Aw op that’s awful and I really feel for you. I have 3 SIL and I know my mum wouldn’t exclude any of them if we were doing a weekly lunch meet.

I think it’s really cowardly of his mum not to be honest and then not to contact you and apologise. If it was a genuine mistake then surely she would be horrified and be wanting to speak to you right away to clear the air and reassure you.

I would also not want to go to a lunch now if they suddenly started inviting you. Personally I would leave it there and see what happens next but I would keep them at arms length and now be able to move on from how upsetting this has been from your mil.
I do wonder if your sil have ever mentioned you going.

4 is a nice number for lunch - I expect it all did come about in a casual way but then the dynamics worked and Jo one wanted to change that. It’s not on though, it’s obvious you’d find out and be hurt when you did. Shame on them.

OP my DH and I have also always been treated as less important than his siblings for no tangiable reason. It's sadly now transferring to the next generation. My PIL are practically second parents to my SIL's kids but make minimal effort with my dd, hardly even know her and only see her on birthdays/Christmas. We all live walking distance from each other. It's heartbreaking but it will never change. I decided I can choose to see this as isolating or liberating. I no longer feel any real obligation towards any of them. You reap what you sew. They can f right off if they think I'm doing anything to help them again. I politely keep my distance.

You might see this as missing a Tuesday lunch. I'd see it that I can do whatever I like with my baby on Tuesdays and bond with them rather than feeling obliged to sit in a stuffy cafe for an afternoon a week, my baby being ignored and me making smaĺl talk with people I probably wouldn't even like if they weren't related to my husband. I'd also see it as an invitation to stop offering any help to them especially if it inconveniences you. No need to be rude about it but just be 'busy' when asked. You don't need to be the dogsbody any more. Let the SILs who are more valued do that shit. Enjoy not feeling obliged to do things that inconvenience you.

It sounds as if you've made it quite clear that this has upset you and they're all aware so I'd just back off now. No need to create drama. Leave the door open and if they want to they will find a way to show you that they care. If not then live your life and just enjoy your little family and enjoy having the freedom to really prioritise yourselves

Yes, I'm aware that there's no rule or law that says people have to grow up with cousins. Most people value family, and the cousin relationship can be very special. Like bonus siblings but less fraught. The children should be given a chance to know one another. And it's a bit odd to refer to children as toxic.

The fact that none of them have messaged you speaks volumes

YANBU to feel upset, but YABU to think they have to invite you if they don't want to.

I agree they just don't want to admit it they did it deliberately. I expect if they had any actual reason they would have been making it loud and clear to excuse themselves. I suspect they have no real reason. Some people just seem happier when they're excluding someone. It has a very bitchy girls in the playground vibe. Lots of exclusion going on at my tweens age group at school. I don't think it's ok when kids do this let alone grown adults. OP is never going to get a real explanation.

And the WhatsApp between them will be hilarious… and they are probably trying to work out who blabbed to OP not realising it was the cafe worker….

They are mean girls op so withdraw from helping and let the fact they are trying to work out who outed them make you smile today - if you can

To be honest I think it’s fairly obvious what’s going on, she just likes them more or prefers time with them more. She finds them easier to get on with perhaps or she gets something out of it that she doesn’t get with you.

You know that deep down, so I don’t think there’s much else to ponder. You didn’t do anything wrong but you’re not her cup of tea.

So the question is what are you going to do next? it’s unlikely she will apologise as she seems to be making it about how upset she is.

Good point, if they dont like you enough to invite you then using you for favours isn't the act of a decent person. Your MIL isn't a nice person, maybe she has favourite kids and your DH didnt make the cut, maybe she just likes making this woman's club via exclusion, whatever it is she's not a nice person. I would be taking a big step back and absolutely not help her out again. You're either family/friends or not and if she can't treat you kindly she doesn't deserve your help.

Then she shouldn't be using OP for favours. That's not the act of a decent person.

What a terrible thing to have been happening to you. It's not just your MIL but also your SILs, who obviously knew you weren't invited with your child and baby.They seem like a coven of mean bitches at school, deliberately excluding others they take against. It's horrible as you're a family. I'm so glad your husband immediately wanted to defend you & find out exactly what was going on. His mum's response was disingenuous, her flustered response indicated there was more than she was saying. He must feel saddened that his mum has excluded you and his child, who would obviously have enjoyed seeing his cousins. It is going to take some effort on both sides to get over this, such a shame as while on maternity leave you'd have really benefited from a weekly meet-up. I hope that your husband continues to be your champion and manages to take the lead in sitting this out.