To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

The gall of thinking you are good enough to wash her grotty grundies but not to lunch with......at least you can absolve yourself of such jobs from now

Sorry OP, I know this doesn't take away the hurt

This sucks !!

glad dh has your back. It’s his mum

Oh no OP, this is horrible. I’d just use it as an opportunity to realise that MIL isn’t as nice as you thought and create some distance, boundaries and lower your expectations. Accept it’s not your problem and let go.

It's definitely NOT horrific, horrible, terrible, dreadful or any of the other catastrophising words people have used to over dramatise this unfortunate situation.

But it is, indeed, hurtful. I think anybody would have felt hurt by this.

What can be done about it? Realistically, nothing. `

I would definitely not have let them know, I would have removed myself quietly from their lives and archived the group and if (and that is a big if) they came asking would have told them breezily that as you and your children were not invited to the weekly lunches you had taken the hint.

These people knew they were excluding you on purpose - and yes it was on purpose, of course it was - why would you give them the satisfaction of knowing they had hurt you? Why make it clear how vulnerable you are?

Oh well, it's done now.

Someone in the group does not like you. There is no need to invent or imagine some strange circumstance where humans do not act like humans or there is some deep and meaningful mysterious reason.

Someone in the group does not like you and that's that, mind reading the reasons for it might comfort you but mind reading is almost never acccurate.

Yes, it is hurtful. But you cannot force people to hang out with you, and should never try - and though you say you would not go to the lunches, which is fair enough, what other reason was there for letting them know you know?

An explanation? They chose to hang out without you, so at least one of them does not like you, that is the only possible explanation.

An apology? From your perspective, what possible apology could erase a whole year of deliberate snubs?

From their perspective, why should they apologise for enjoying a social meet up with their family? They won't be apologising, so you should just put your phone down and get on with it.

A happy, fulfilled life is the best revenge. Next time one of them brings it up tell your husband to say, oh she was just so surprised, it wasn't worth mentioning really. Forget it, we have. And make sure you relegate them all to the bottom rung of importance in your life, insofar as you can.

You must find a way to simply interact with them casually at times when it cannot be avoided as they have made their choice. And now that you have had your say, I'm afraid you will have to just let it go and avoid them as much as possible. No more favours, your husband can deal with his family and you can be polite and no more.

Time tends to lend perspective too. In a couple of years, things might be quite different.

I refuse to believe they just didn't think of you. I don't think they deliberately excluded you and it did start somewhat organically but I refuse to believe that during approximately 52 weekly lunch dates, not one of them thought "oh maybe we should invite Sacredhandbag".... nope, that doesn't sit right with me at all! I'd be telling them all how upset you are. There's a bit of a nastiness in it to be honest.

Can’t wait for the folllow up where MIL complains she doesn’t see her grandchild ever 😈

I'm fully expecting the BILs to berate DH tomorrow for 'upsetting Mum, she's in a right state and couldn't sleep'.

In the middle of the hurt youre feeling, know this: this is not the behaviour of strong, well adjusted people. I don’t want to imply that groups are for weak people. But groups bring out this behaviour in weak people.
I know it doesn’t feel like this, but it’s a mark of your character that they see you as different to them. Now that you are seeing them for who they are, I hope you can see this is an unintended compliment to you that you’re excluded.
Youve seen the best in them. You’ve given of yourself freely to your MIL at an immensely stressful time in your own life. It’s clearly not crossed your mind that they would behave like this - because it would never occur to you to behave this way.
it really doesn’t feel like it now, but this is honestly nothing to do with you and everything to do with some undeveloped characters which is why they’ve blindly gone along behaving like 10 year olds without any one of them stepping back and questioning. Strong, self-aware and well adjusted people don’t behave like this.
which is why it’s not you. It’s them.

If it were me this whole family relationship would be over , apology or not , they are now going to scurry about trying to think of reasonable excuses when there are none .

I’m glad he’s called and that your BIL somewhat apologised but it seems worse now that you know they also went to a toddler group.

I doubt you’ll hear anything moving forward as mil will play the victim.

Haven’t RTFT just the OP’s updates. Good on your DH, he’s definitely got your back.

I agree with PP’s that it sounds like your MIL takes you for granted and doesn’t really consider your feelings…I wonder how she’d feel if someone excluded her like this, v. hurt, I expect.

As others have said, it’s time for you to distance yourself and let others help your MIL out. If she’s going to play favorites, they can run around after her. And don’t make a big effort with other events like birthdays, Christmas presents, etc. for that side of the family. Leave it to your DH in future.

I would be reminding them all about this.

He is good!
it seems that your MIL took you for granted, I don’t think you should be deliberately mean but I wouldn’t be able to be more then just civil with someone like this. And I wouldn’t exclude myself from family gatherings in the future, no way. MIL and your SIL excluded not only you but your child which was even much worse.

That's really hurtful. She should be ashamed of herself and so should the other sisters-in-law.

I just wanted to add my sympathy.
What a load of nasty gits.
To exclude you accidentally at first is one thing, but to continue is just awful.

Chin up. You know where you stand with them.
You don't have to accept an apology if one comes.

@nope2025 I think that her DH’s decision to ring his Mum and confront the situation was the best approach. Quietly withdrawing is too passive aggressive IMO, better to be open about the hurt caused by their behavior. It’s great that her DH has got the OP’s back, he’s a good ‘un!

Alternatively, the OP is a total nightmare and people avoid her on spec.

Not saying this is true, but your post reads like a blurb for an infomercial aimed at teenagers and is honestly not helpful.

Realistically, it's probably no more dramatic than the other SILs enjoyed the lunches and did not feel the need to champion a woman they don't mind who is not close to them and whose company they neither hate nor love.

No need for heroes or villains, just ordinary people at least one of whom doesn't like the OP very much, for whatever reason.

No, it is definitely not passive aggressive, because in my scenario she would have quietly removed herself from their lives, not tried in any way to force them to do anything.

I explained why the confrontation was pointless, in my eyes. Now they are gossiping about that, so she has given them something to talk about, while changing nothing in any positive way.

Oh well, it's done now.

This is real Mean Girl behaviour! Bet they all loved having their secret little cool kids lunch dates.

As others have noted, husband does sound lovely. And even his brother seems to acknowledge that you’ve been poorly treated….

Time to start doing more nice things for yourself (and your own family unit) rather than looking out for a Mother-in-law, who has completely taken you for granted.

Mil is definitely going to be playing victim right now. She’s immediately called another son to deal with it and tell you how stressed she is. She’s centred herself as a victim, helpless in the situation in which you and your dc were not included, purely by accident. I would definitely be ready for some complaints about you and dh being so confrontational and upsetting mil and being unfair to the sil by implying they would ever leave you out.

And even his brother seems to acknowledge that you’ve been poorly treated….
Do we believe his wife and children went somewhere every single week and she never once mentioned /he never once asked who she was meeting?

@nope2025 We’ll agree to disagree, I think it’s great that her DH stood up for her as he did. Many people find it hard to stand up for their partners against their own families, I know that my DH would.

@nope2025 You must find a way to simply interact with them casually at times when it cannot be avoided as they have made their choice. why the hell should she find a way to interact with them????

@Sacredhandbag you dont have to spend another christmas day with them now!! you dont have to and shouldnt really see them at all. they do not deserve forgiveness!! let us know tomorrow if any of them try to contact you please? I personally would now consider blocking all their phone numbers and deleting their family whatsapp group. you only need to keep you dh and your side of the family. xxx

And when the gossip mill gets back to you, as it will, downplay it for all you are worth.

You were just so surprised by this exclusionary behaviour, but now you have had a chance to think about it, it doesn't matter, you're busy, thanks for calling, you have to go.

Rinse and repeat, forever. Husband now deals with his mother, no more favours and you bump into them casually from time to time where you are relaxed, happy and casual and leave as soon as you can.

They have shown you how much you mean to them, and they may have their own reasons for that, but you would be a fool not to take the lesson to heart.

@Lookwhoitisnae

Could have written this myself (plus another 100 pages!), very similar situation with us.
We’ve finally stepped back and accepted things as they are, it sucks but it’s never going to change.

Once your children start to ask why their grandparents don’t see them or why their cousins are seen several times weekly/got taken to the zoo/had a sleepover you need to think about whether continuing trying to forge relationships is doing anyone any good.

@Sacredhandbag I’m the excluded DIL from similar events and it really hurts. It makes you question what you could have done or why they don’t like you.
I hope things can be rectified, it isn’t a mistake that you aren’t involved in my opinion. 4 adults on a weekly lunch date and not one of them thought oh maybe Sacred would like to join us, let’s send a text and arrange for her to come along next week and it will be so lovely to spend time with Sacred junior too. I’m sure either one of them would be hurt if the situation was reversed.

Hopefully they can apologise and you can all move forward.