Page 14 | To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

Sacredhandbag · 2025-02-22T16:39:49+00:00

DH has two brothers and a sister. I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her. Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss. Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited. I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids. I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know. If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting. DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now. AIBU to be upset? Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

UneFoisAuChalet · 22/02/2025 22:31

Ah OP. My sister in law’s one of those ‘I’m so nice’ people when actually she’s a nasty cow. She never tried to befriend me and I’m from a different country and literally had no friends or family. My husband’s mother died years before we married so it would have been nice to have some support when I first moved to the U.K.

She raves about her other sister in law and didn’t come to my baby shower. It was for my last born and it was a bit ridiculous but my friends had organised it and I was so so hurt that the only ‘family’ that has been invited declined.

I took a step back. We have nothing to do with her and her family. The last time we saw them, my kids - now aged 17 to 13 - didn’t speak and were extremely uncomfortable because they don’t know her.

Thing is, I know it drives her batty that we have no contact with her because it doesn’t align with her ‘nice gal’ personality. Her loss not ours. I sometimes forget she even exists.

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 22/02/2025 22:32

I am very glad that your husband has your back and rung his mum to tell her how you feel.

My dad moved to a different place to live with my mum. As a result we had to travel by plane to see my paternal grandparents. Since I am the daughter of the only male my grandma had, we were viewed as grandchildren but not as important as the other grandchildren if you see what I mean.

It has stayed with me that we were never taken into consideration for anything and came last.

I would suggest for your own sanity and wellbeing that you build a strong relationship with your parents if you can as your MIL is clearly showing you her true colours. I would also stop being nice and run errands for her.

If I was in your shoes I would feel really hurt not only by MIL but by your SILs who didn’t even mentioned you could join them.

I am sorry for you OP. Big hugs 💐

Horses7 · 22/02/2025 22:33

Shame on them. Keep your distance and concentrate on your little family and your friends and relatives. It’s sad because you won’t feel the same about them ever again but put it behind you - they are not worth your time or feelings.

Onlycoffee · 22/02/2025 22:35

Pp saying the sils haven't apologised, they're not sorry. They've been enjoying their little club and feeling special together.
Op you sound lovely and far nicer than they can ever be. It really is a case of it's not you, it's them.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 22/02/2025 22:36

So glad your DP stuck up for you! It’s disgusting that none of them wanted to invite you or your child. I make a lot of effort to make sure my children are close with all their cousins. So it’s also on your SILs in that regard. FUCK the lot of them. But I know that is hard to stick to in reality.

Pessismistic · 22/02/2025 22:42

Sacredhandbag · 22/02/2025 21:20

He called his mum!!

So he just came out and said it and said "OP has heard that you, SIL, DIL1 and DIL2 have been meeting up for lunch every week and she's really hurt she's not been invited. What's going on?"

And there was just silence on the phone and then she sort of spluttered and said "well, it's not really like that, it started as me and SIL and then DIL1 came one week and then DIL2 and it just became a really convenient thing for them because the kids love it and there's a toddler group at the church round the corner that starts at 2pm that they go to so it just became convenient for them to come for lunch first and then go to that"

And DH was like well... My wife has a child too, and she really would have liked to have been invited and she could also have gone along to the toddler group, can you not see how hurtful that is?

And MIL just sort of spluttered again and said "you're acting like we deliberately EXCLUDED her, when it's not like that, she can come if she wants!! And then said, look I've got to go in in the middle of something, and hung up.

And then... She must have got straight on the phone to either DIL1 or to DIL1's husband because BIL rung up DH about 15 minutes later and said "I totally get how OP feels and I would have said something if I'd realised she was being left out, but I think it's just different dynamic between DIL1/ DIL2 and MIL because they both have their parents abroad (both are immigrants from different European countries) so MIL just feels more like she has to take them under her wing a bit and be a mother figure to them and OP has her own family and just seems more happy to do her own thing (erm they're intelligent grown women in their late 30s and they've got siblings in this country and have both been here 10+ years, and anyway that not a reason to not invite me).

And DH said "But OP is the only one out of the mums to not be invited, and that also means our kids are missing out on seeing family and playing with cousins and OP doesn't have many other friends with kids"

And he was like "yeah, yeah I totally understand but please don't think anyone has a problem with her because it's not like that, they just didn't think and mum is really worked up now thinking you are both really angry with her"

And he was like "well, we're not happy.... but appreciate you calling to try and smooth things over and sorry you're caught in the crossfire"

And they kind of left it there. Haven't spoken to MIL again and don't really know what to do next 🤷

They literally just didn't think of me. Which is still hurtful. I don't matter after almost 20 years as part of the family.

I understand your hurt especially for the kids as they could have played together I wouldn’t tag along now as an afterthought especially after 1 year you could have done with the company on mat leave. try and meet other mums you can socialise with and when your mil needs a favour just say no ask your besties. Definitely don’t go out of your way for her.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 22/02/2025 22:43

Your DH is lovely and and his DB did the right thing in ringing back. However, the DiLs and DSis should be calling you to apologise. What a nasty bunch! Mil probably enjoyed being in a secret little club. Well, let her stew and do not facilitate any visits to the DGC. I totally understand your hurt feelings.

ThePoshUns · 22/02/2025 22:44

Well done to your DH for sticking up for you.
I can understand why you feel upset OP and there really is no excuse for leaving you out, it's really mean of them. I'd wait for an apology of I was you and be really cool toward them from now on

Itisjustmyopinion · 22/02/2025 22:47

I usually roll my eyes at the “my in-laws are awful” threads on here but this is one of the few threads where they really are terrible

As pp have said this will very quickly be turned round on you, they will invite you and when you quite rightly decline they will say well we tried. Narcissism at its best

The fact your MIL suddenly had to go but then found time to phone your BIL to moan about what your DH said speaks volumes. She is absolutely going to turn herself into a victim

Let DH have the relationship with his family going forward, if he wants to, and step back and focus on your own family and friends

whatkatydid2014 · 22/02/2025 22:47

You said prior to this you thought you got on and she’s a great grandma. Stepping back a bit what made you say that? Has she been helping you out with things 1:1, been supportive to you, done lots of babysitting or do you just mean she’s good with the grandchildren collectively? If it’s the former and she’s always been helpful and supportive then I think it’s entirely possible it’s just the case that she sees her other DILs as daughters and sees you as her son’s wife. Maybe they make her feel like she’s needed or essential and you are just a bit more independent and able to manage/have a different support network so she’s never developed that same relationship with you.
It doesn’t stop it being hurtful you’ve been left out (or particularly that your baby has) but equally, if you are entirely fair, do you/have you ever viewed her as being like a mum to you anyway?

There is that quote “Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to incompetence”. I’d say the same about thoughtlessness. Assuming malice is not generally helpful and it’s not going to make you feel better. I think other posters have it right that your best approach is to just step back a little. I’m sorry you’ve had such a rotten time of it. It’s hard feeling excluded regardless of why it happens.

Original poster

Sacredhandbag · 22/02/2025 22:48

I feel almost like the MIL sees me almost like I'm still a child. I was just 15 when I first came into DH's life. One of the girls of his friendship group, wearing school uniform and coming round for tea. We started going out when we were just 17, moved in together at 19 and been together ever since.
Where as the other two DILs arrived on the scene as fully fledged adults. I am better educated and earn more than one of them and I'm older than one of them but I think for some reason she just respects them both more.
I've noticed over the years that whenever I say anything she agrees with it's almost like she's surprised I have a brain and occasionally I've had a weird sense she is talking to me like I'm a child but I thought that's maybe just how she shows affection.
But this is STILL not a reason to invite me to bloody lunch! 😅

I keep looking at my phone wondering if I'm going to get any apology messages but just radio silence from all of them.

OP posts:

Daisymae23 · 22/02/2025 22:49

I’m so angry for you!! Honestly, dump the lot of them xxx

Drfosters · 22/02/2025 22:52

My money is that they have a separate whatapp group without you- how else would they confirm they were definitely coming each Tuesday?

swingandtrampoline · 22/02/2025 22:53

The dil's and sil's may or may not have deliberately left you out who knows but you have a mil problem. My mum is also a mil and never in a million years would she exclude her dil's (I have two brothers who are married). My mother was also the dil that was excluded by my grandmother which is why she tries so hard to keep the family together to not be my grandmother and to this grand age of 40, it still hurts me that my paternal gp's never showed any interest or affection towards me and my siblings as my gp's always excluded my mother and us but pretended to like us in front of my dad but as soon as my dad turned his back, they showed their true colours. My father was a spineless coward unlike your DH. I'm sorry to say but please fuck cousin relationships they aren't that important, let's ask mn how many of the posters are still very close to their cousins? So please don't allow your children to grow up witnessing their mother being excluded because one day they will too and believe me that will stay with them for the rest of their lives just like me.

Original poster

Sacredhandbag · 22/02/2025 22:53

Drfosters · 22/02/2025 22:52

My money is that they have a separate whatapp group without you- how else would they confirm they were definitely coming each Tuesday?

DH said this. He said he'd put money on it being called "Ladies who Lunch" 🤣

OP posts:

lunar1 · 22/02/2025 22:53

It's just plain bullying behaviour, they can dress it up however they like, they have been deliberately secretive and unkind.

HH4432 · 22/02/2025 22:54

There is a Biblical expression "a prophet is not honored in his own territory"
meaning (thanks to AI for this better explanation!) that someone is not appreciated or recognized for their talents or abilities within their own familiar community or hometown, often implying that people take them for granted because they are too close to them

Yet someone from outside comes in, says the same thing and is lauded!

Breezeblock · 22/02/2025 22:55

Drfosters · 22/02/2025 22:52

My money is that they have a separate whatapp group without you- how else would they confirm they were definitely coming each Tuesday?

That’s a really unfortunate likelihood.

Strawberrycream123 · 22/02/2025 22:55

I’ve been in a similar situation. No one apologised, and it was all flipped round on me to be the one in the wrong… they were all of course completely innocent. The relationship never repaired, I took a huge step back. My husband wanted me to make more of an effort to get over it at first, but I was resolute. What started happening after that? They continued to leave my DH out… only now they couldn’t blame me (and my apparent shitty personality), and it became apparent that I had been scapegoated, and the issues were still there even when I retreated. He’s now no contact with all the siblings.

I think about it a lot… and wonder if they were right and I’m this awful person that deserved this treatment. Don’t let them get into your head in the same way OP, I’ve wasted too much time going over this back and forth.

MrsPeterHarris · 22/02/2025 22:57

Daisymae23 · 22/02/2025 22:49

I’m so angry for you!! Honestly, dump the lot of them xxx

I feel the same. Fuck them Op. Hurtful bitches.

Pessismistic · 22/02/2025 22:57

Sacredhandbag · 22/02/2025 22:48

I feel almost like the MIL sees me almost like I'm still a child. I was just 15 when I first came into DH's life. One of the girls of his friendship group, wearing school uniform and coming round for tea. We started going out when we were just 17, moved in together at 19 and been together ever since.
Where as the other two DILs arrived on the scene as fully fledged adults. I am better educated and earn more than one of them and I'm older than one of them but I think for some reason she just respects them both more.
I've noticed over the years that whenever I say anything she agrees with it's almost like she's surprised I have a brain and occasionally I've had a weird sense she is talking to me like I'm a child but I thought that's maybe just how she shows affection.
But this is STILL not a reason to invite me to bloody lunch! 😅

I keep looking at my phone wondering if I'm going to get any apology messages but just radio silence from all of them.

Definitely don’t reach out to them if they’re not big enough to apologise let them get on with it. Does mil favour the other sons to your dh? Or the grandkids?

Quitelikeit · 22/02/2025 22:58

This is hurtful. They know it was not a nice thing to do and all the brothers knew about it too.

It is possible though that they like and accept you

Also is it possible any of your SiLs wanted to invite you but were too worried about upsetting whoever is in charge

This says more about them than it does about you

NiceoneSonny · 22/02/2025 23:01

Sacredhandbag · 22/02/2025 22:53

DH said this. He said he'd put money on it being called "Ladies who Lunch" 🤣

Show quote history

Which will just go to show this isn't something that just happened/just evolved. It's a pre-planned, regular arrangement requiring a what app group that excludes you. If it wasn't being kept from you, they would just organise it on your family chat. Absolute bitches.

GoodEnoughParents · 22/02/2025 23:03

Sacredhandbag · 22/02/2025 22:48

I feel almost like the MIL sees me almost like I'm still a child. I was just 15 when I first came into DH's life. One of the girls of his friendship group, wearing school uniform and coming round for tea. We started going out when we were just 17, moved in together at 19 and been together ever since.
Where as the other two DILs arrived on the scene as fully fledged adults. I am better educated and earn more than one of them and I'm older than one of them but I think for some reason she just respects them both more.
I've noticed over the years that whenever I say anything she agrees with it's almost like she's surprised I have a brain and occasionally I've had a weird sense she is talking to me like I'm a child but I thought that's maybe just how she shows affection.
But this is STILL not a reason to invite me to bloody lunch! 😅

I keep looking at my phone wondering if I'm going to get any apology messages but just radio silence from all of them.

How strange that she's never updated her perception of you.
Maybe they all feel threatened by you? If you're been around longest, and are being complicit in this as it suits them to have MIL to themselves? All a bit strange and I'd be either asking SILS directly or getting DH to make some gentle enquiries...there may still be a legitimate explanation

Franjipanl8r · 22/02/2025 23:03

It’s a shitty situation but you have a fabulous supportive DH!! He was spot on calling his mum out and sticking up for you. So refreshing to hear about a wonderful supportive husband on MN for a change!