To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

Arrange lunch with a friend at the café on a Tuesday

No need for multiple question marks, just oe gets the notion of a question across.

Because she is related to them as is her husband. Interact with them casually when it cannot be avoided. means just that.

No idea why you are even asking the question.

I’d be tempted to put a link to this thread on the ‘family’ WhatsApp - just to give them all something to chat about tomorrow 😈. Bunch of cows.

I’d be so tempted to do this @ThinWomansBrain, 😈

Your DH is a star.

I'd be sad too. Let her stew over it, hopefully she will come back with a grown up response.

Damage is done now, it's not like you'd go anyway at this point.

I'd feel very hurt.

@Sacredhandbag
He called his mum!!
So he just came out and said it and said "OP has heard that you, SIL, DIL1 and DIL2 have been meeting up for lunch every week and she's really hurt she's not been invited. What's going on?"

What an absolutely excellent DH you have!! 🙂

Now that your MIL is aware of how you feel about what she's done, she has the opportunity to explain how it all happened / apologise / explain how it was all a big misunderstanding ( or whatever ) / to just put things right between you.

Either

there was an intentional exclusion and she needs to apologise

or

she was just too thoughtless to consider you

or

................ well, I can't really think of another reason .....!

Is your MIL generally a people- pleaser? ............did she not want to speak up and change the dynamic because her DIL's seemed to have taken over the original intention of the get-togethers?

Is she usually inconsiderate and thoughtless?

Does she usually try to include you / exclude you / or does she just go with the flow of whatever's happening?

I have 2 daughters and it would never occur to me to meet up on a regular basis with one without letting the other one know that they were welcome.
Maybe DILs are different tho??

If she's not bothered about making things right between you, then that gives you your answer.

It may not be the one you want, but at least it's one you can get to grips with / deal with and you'll know where you stand and can act accordingly (without feeling guilty that you should do more)

Sometimes, it seems that people don't care whether we're there or not. Fair enough, but it'd be nice if they would let us know sooner that our help wasn't needed or appreciated ...........

It's shit, isn't it when you give freely to support someone, and then they ignore you if they no longer need you.

It might not be MiLs fault. She’s getting the blame but there are 3 adults meeting up without you. Your SILs might have arranged it, perhaps they get along particularly well. They might be friends as well as in-laws. Stop helping her by all means, just saying you might be blaming the wrong person.

And finally, do not listen to these keyboard warriors, some of whom sound positively unhinged with their I would do this and I would do that nonsense.

The only sensible, adult response is just to move on and ignore them and interact casually with them only when it cannot be avoided.

You cannot get revenge on them, they don't care, and trying to would only humiliate you and make you look a bit bonkers.

Oh well, life goes on.

MIL could always insist that OP be invited...

If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it?

Classic user with no morals. Happy to exclude you for the nice things. But happy to use you when it suits them. Don’t do he a favour again.

If I'm a total nightmare, and I don't know, perhaps I am, I can't be everyone's cup of tea after all, then MIL really shouldn't have been accepting favours from me either. You can't just use someone when you need them but exclude them when you don't.

@nope2025 I agree that there’s no point plotting vengeance, however tempting it may be! Move on and get on with life is the best way- with no more favors or making a special effort in future.

Well you ARE being excluded. Bitchy bloody women! One of these two scenarios will play out… Tues AM you will receive an invite on the WA group not giving you time to get there, and you will be told you’re sulking/being difficult; Or you will receive a text message that sounds so sarky (like a royal invite) that it will be clear you’re not welcome. Then you won’t be able to take a joke. Fuckers. I’d be so hurt.
Stop “doing” for MIL and have no availability for SILs either.

I don't think it's fully MILs fault, I think each of them take equal blame.

I suspect a lunch invite will come soon. How you approach this is up to you, but I’d tell them to go hang!!

Can I just say? One thing you don’t have is a DH problem. He’s got your back.
The situation is crap; but you need to focus on that.

please don't think anyone has a problem with her because it's not like that, they just didn't think and mum is really worked up now thinking you are both really angry with her"

If that's the case, why didn't MIL say, 'oh my God, I'm so sorry-it's evolved and I never mean to leave X out-how awful'?? She's not making anything better here?!

Yes, that is true.

If you are indeed a nightmare, she should not have asked you for anything. Although you can, actually use people and exclude them, people do it regularly, as evidenced by this thread and others. It is not nice, but it certainly happens.

But I think it was clear that my point was that the comment I was replying to sounded like a bad script for a made for TV movie painting you as a heroic stoic rising about the evil baddies. Imagining people as two dimensional soap opera characters is over dramatic and silly.

Well that was a tactical error and a bell that can't be un-rung. You will either now be invited (pointedly) and you'll feel it, whether you go or not, or you won't because it's very awkward now. They won't be feeling guilty at all, they've known very well what they were doing and have now armed themselves with excuses and justification for it.

None of that will make you feel any better. Your husband didn't 'call out his mother' either; nothing has changed. Pointless excuses and the only thing that has been achieved now is that they will have a lot to gossip about at their Tuesday lunches.

I hope you can find a way past this without engaging in this spiteful drama of your husband's family, OP (they aren't yours, they've made that clear). Find your own 'family' of friends and people who will treat you well - and keep your distance from this lot.

OP you are clearly an intelligent and reflective person. Your MIL and SILs are very thoughtless and unfriendly if it didn't occur to any of them that you were also free with your baby.
Please don't ever be her dependable crutch to use when it suits MIL ever again. She should value you as much as her her others DILs.
Now you know what she's like, use your time and energy on people who do value you. It's her loss!

Exactly! They didn’t overlook OP, they deliberately excluded her.

Finally, a sensible comment. There is a lot of "people should" thinking on this site and very little dealing with reality.

This is good advice.

My advice would be to stop yearning to be treated equally. My MIL always treated me as second best. I kept thinking I could improve it and got upset when I wasn't treated the same as the others. I only felt at ease when I stopped wanting that and found happiness elsewhere. It's a bitter pill to swallow but so much easier when you realise that if they don't want you, you are not missing out.

If you're on mat leave, it's either because they assume you can't/won't leave the baby, or it's because they don't want a baby at their adults' lunch.