To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

Good for your DH.

Have any of these women even sent a text to say how sorry they are? Or is it just the one husband who rang, that’s it? It all seems more about MIL being upset, and perhaps BIL’s wife - but not one has text or rang to say “omg I’m so, so sorry we’ve hurt you”. It’s all about guilt limitation- which says almost as much as the original incident.

Op I’m really sorry. Hope you’re ok. Surrounded yourself with people that care, friend etc, and don’t waste time on these family members who aren’t behaving that way.

I like how your husband handled things, at least you got his understanding and support. The rest of them can go f.... themselves. I'm sorry but really OP I feel your pain and they did you and your DC wrong, I wouldn't make any first moves and if they decide to patch things up by inviting you, that would be out of pitty,I wouldn't care to go if I were you.

Let MIL and the 3 SILs boil in the bitch broth of their own making. Their catty little meet-ups have been exposed. They will start to fake invite you, then turn it on you when you politely decline. The reality is you were a suitable little gofer for MIL, but not an equal adult. Horrid woman and horrid SILs for endorsing her twatty treatment of you.

I'd bet good money she will DARVO the OP for "creating drama" and for refusing to go when she is inevitably issued with a guilt/pity/angry-you-are-making-me-do-this invitation to Tuesday lunch. And/or they will stop doing Tuesday lunch, and blame the OP for spoiling things.

Let her be worked up. Dignified silence for a bit, I think. The DILs won't give a shit what this does for the relationship between their MIL and one of her sons they're not related to, but she herself sure will.

“We’re not deliberately excluding her and she can come if she wants”

Eh… they didn’t even tell you about it so no, you couldn’t go if you wanted to. They absolutely did deliberately exclude you. I’d be pulling back entirely and keep my relationship with all of them very very cool. They can do the legwork if they want to fix things but just pull back, offer no help and build your own family away from them. They’ve shown that they don’t consider you family, they don’t want you there and they don’t even want to see your child when the other kids are all there. It’s awful and upsetting but it’s also true and they don’t deserve any effort from you.

If MiL wants to see her grandchild, she can sort it out with your husband and she can make all the effort.

OP that's really hurtful of them. Sounds like your DH and BIL are sensible, straightforward people. The women in the family are obviously not. Being excluded is not OK, whether it was on purpose or through thoughtlessness. I'd let them stew and focus on building relationships outside of the family.

There are so wise women on here to delve deep into your MIL mindset.

Her DARVO reaction.
BIL being used by her.

Sounds extremely manipulative, controlling and narcissistic.

I think her reaction to your husband needs careful examining.

Not simply thoughtless, but deeply toxic IMO.

I think the OP should prepare for some shocking behaviour on her part at being challenged by your husband.

Toxic people cannot bear being challenged on their behaviour when caught out.

Sorry, but what absolute bollocks that they didn’t think and it wasn’t like that. Nobody is that accidentally thoughtless.

So sorry OP you must be feeling so upset. Your DH has done brilliantly defending you and the children as it’s awful when these things are done to you. Try to be kind to yourself it’s not you you haven’t done anything wrong.

I’ve had similar done to me in the past with my mum, my sister and my sil’s. It was really hurtful and made me feel terrible about myself. My siblings and their partners are now NC with me (20 years later) which at least means I don’t have to think about it anymore.

Exactly. Why didn't it "sort of evolve" to inviting OP? MIL seems pretty culpable here - probably SILs too since they could have invited OP to join them at the toddler group afterwards too. Nasty *itches.

All of this. These people have been shown up for who they are.
No class at all.

Sorry OP but I don't buy her bullshit excuses. I'd be cooling the relationship and concentrate on your own family. You wouldn't want an invitation now anyway! I can't see you ever being able to feel the same way about them again.

At least you now know. I suspect your SIL's are desperately trying to come up with a story.

Really glad your husband seems supportive.

Op this is so hurtful. I would be really upset.

mil seems to be trying to make herself the victim here going on what bil has said. Don’t let her. It could have evolved to include you, they just didn’t let it. And like others have said you couldn’t have gone if you wanted- you’re not psychic! You had no idea it was happening!

By not including you, they have excluded you.

your husband sounds lovely though

It is really upsetting. But I hope you don't completely give up on them, OP, because having some contact will still matter to DH and your DC.

Horrible women, on the upside at least you definitely don’t have a DH problem! He sounds very supportive!

Yep, BIL is the flying monkey in this scenario, sent to make OP and her DH feel bad. I imagine his wife, the other SIL and MIL have been enjoying their secret meet ups immensely, and are pissed off to be rumbled.

Kudos to your DH, he handled that beautifully. I’m sorry they’ve been such awful shits to you OP. The ball is very much in their court now - not in terms of inviting you to Tuesday Club (In your shoes I would personally rather shit in my hands and clap than go to that now) but in terms of how they go about trying to repair their relationship with you.

You are right to be hurt. Of course they may not have deliberately excluded you at first and not planned lunch as a 'family' thing but when you suggested meeting up they ignored you. That was an obvious time for one of them to mention Tuesday lunch or the toddler group. They are just not as nice people as you deserve in your life.

Tbh OP it’s proper hurtful and I actually don’t believe that it’s just happened this way because the other SILs are poor orphans. I think your DH should be very crossed on your and your DC’s behalf because you were excluded. They did really grand job not mentioning it for so long it means they didn’t want you to know. And I really don’t like your MIL hanging on your DH and minimizing the situation and her sending BiL rather then accepting how wrong she was.
She needs to think carefully, apologize to both of you and make sure things like this never happen again. And until she does it your DH should be very disappointed in her, openly with consequences.

Do you know, I think this is exactly it :(

What a horrible way MIL and co have treated you. They sound like they haven't emotionally matured beyond the age of 8.

On the positive side, your dh sounds lovely.

Hope you come to a resolution that you can be at peace with, whatever that might be.

Your MIL's reaction speaks volumes - not sad or sorry that you're upset, just indignant at being caught out. She absolutely did exclude you from her little group. There is no way she didn't think about asking you to join them at some point. She chose not to, for whatever reason. And if it wasn't deliberate, why no mention of it at some point over the last year?

So, now you know. You don't actually have to do anything yet (other than let MIL sort her own shit out for a while). Hopefully you'll get a heartfelt apology and a change in attitude. It's up to you to decide if it changes anything, but it's certainly the least you deserve.