To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

[Sacredhandbag]

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

She did enter their heads. Every single time she asked to meet up. They chose again and again not to invite her, and didn’t even mention that they met up regularly to her. She wasn’t wanted there.

Now MIL’s washing machine is on the blink she’s panicking.

Sorry OP as I’m conscious that these are awful things I’m writing. I’ve reread that last update several times and it doesn’t get any easier to read. Even your BIL acknowledges you’ve been left out to the point he would have raised it if he had known. he said they don’t have a problem with you. That might be true. But they’ve certainly caused a problem now. You can glue a broken pot back together with gold and glue and all the care in the world and it will never look the same.

I'm so sorry you've been excluded OP. I recently found out my Dad and 3 sisters were meeting regularly, and I had also been excluded. One of them accidently added me to a WhatsApp group they were all a part of that was created 5 years ago. Similar circumstances to you, live local etc.

Your husband is a star for calling your MIL out. Nothing can stop the hurt you feel but I'd be pulling back as unfortunately any future invites etc are only going to seem insincere. Hugs x

But something needs to be said, doesn't it. Tip-toeing around it, afraid to ask herself, letting her husband try and solve it is bollocks. It's time to be direct.

the problem is that they ALL knew that you were being excluded!!! mil has acted like the bloody queen!!! cant believe she said she was in the middle of something but managed right away to phone her daughter!! I dont think I would speak to any of them again and I would not be accepting any future invite to anything arranged by any of them. draw right back from the lot of them. glad your dh stood up for you though. they should all feel ashamed of themselves. xx

Agree. She should be worked up. This was unforgiveable and she knew exactly what the fuck she was doing.

Interesting that the BIL called. He's being fed a lot of bullshit from his wife and MIL.

If you have the misfortune to hear from or encounter any of them, say something like "Thanks for the explanation," in a dry tone that shows you don't believe it. If pressed, say "In a way it's a blessing. I now know that despite 20 years in this family, I'm a non-entity to you. Best of luck."

Then I would withdraw. I would not allow the kids to associate with those cousins; a) they are probably little assholes-in-training, too and b) your kids will make other friends and associates in their lifetimes. Blood relatives aren't everything, as this whole scenario shows.

Consider yourself exempt from helping any of them in future. If you husband wants to see his mother, he can do so on his own time.

Expect lots of backtracking now they’ve been rumbled. You just don’t matter, now you need to act on that.
I found once I knew where I stood it was easier for me to be politely distant, aloof, and completely removing myself from any help or support they feel they need now.
Im not good enough for the fun stuff? Not good enough for the hard work either then. And they only have themselves to blame.

Literally any normal person would think @Sacredhandbag is on maternity leave, wonder how she and little DGC / DN is doing today? I’ll text her and see if she wants to come next week.

It’s bizarre and hurtful that they’ve been so thoughtless here. Sending you a big hug OP. It’s not personal and MIL needs to have a serious think

I don’t think there’s anything you can do OP. The fact that MIL went straight on the phone to DIL rather than asked to speak to you to apologise profusely, suggests there’s some kind of group going on that doesn’t involve you intentionally.

I would silently withdraw. Don’t offer help or time and give generic excuses for not making effort. For your kids sake I wouldn’t go no contact, but I would just emotionally withdraw and concentrate on your family.

Id be really hurt in your shoes.

You defo don't have a DH problem. Good on him!

Let them be for the timebeing. They need to have a good hard think.

So it started as MIL & her daughter which is understandable.

How did first one DIL & then the other hear about it & know when to meet?

This. Their bullshit excuses do not account for the fact that OP has on multiple occasions suggested ways to meet up so the kids can play. Surely at least one time out of the past freaking year, someone would have said "Oh well Saturdays are busy for us but come to our Tuesday meet-up, there's a toddler group afterward too!"

But no, somehow that NEVER occured to the DILs or MIL to say. Odd eh?

Shitty people do shitty things.

Next time your MIL needs anything suggest on of her other DIL’s can step in.

People’s lack of thought towards other always amazes me.

If one of them invites you tell the to shove it up their bum.

Thats hurtful. Not nice at all. But the others as bad going along with it. My sisters left me out of a charity walk few years back it did hurt. One said oh x had booked it. She was as bad. I take step back now

I feel so sad for you Sacredhandbag, You sound so kind and your husband is a star to have your back. They have behaved so unkindly and their excuses ring hollow. You can see from all the supportive replies here what everyone thinks of these women. Have a good talk through with DH about how you go forward together with dignity in this. Sending a big hug to you.

Gutted for you OP, but well done to your DH for calling her out

MIL saying you could have gone if you wanted to is ridiculous - I didn’t realise you were psychic!!!

My husband has a brother and a sister so a similar dynamic and I’d be absolutely gutted if this scenario happened to me. TBH I’d likely distance myself big time. I don’t buy that they are thoughtless, they are just not very nice. I’d like to think my MIL and SIL would never do this and they would apologise profusely if I felt this way. Not hang up and act like a victim. Stop helping her out she doesn’t deserve it. And boo hoo if she thinks you are angry, she’s being manipulative.

As expected.
Defensive and denial.

I wouldn't say any more.
What more is there to say.
You are useful that's it.

She is not a nice woman.
Nice people do not behave like this.

Invest in your family, mum friends and building a circle outside of your husbands family.

No need to say another word.
You know, you get it, you have put firmly in your place.

Nice people do not behave like this, that is the bottom line.

Keep saying 'a full year, and not one of them thought to include me whilst on mat leave. Such a truly awful way to treat so called family".

Don't ever allow your husband to make you feel bad for your adjusted priorities going forward.

You protect yourself OP.
Better to know this now than in ten years time having continued to be used.

Shout out to DH - it’s not often I see posts on here where men step up and do the right thing, unprompted.

It’s in MIL court now to repair the relationship she has damaged (regardless of whether that was intended… 👀)

The really telling thing in this exchange between MIL and DH is her reaction.

She didn’t have the self-awareness to realise your husband calling her was graciousness she didn’t deserve. She didn’t have the wit or class even to apologise Ffs !!!! A petulant “she can come if she wants to.” Wow! Then the classic deflection. The fact she panicked sufficiently to get off the phone and promptly get her other son to call and smooth it over for her is not the act of someone who has just been repeatedly thoughtless. It’s someone who has been caught out.
As others have said, did this collective amnesia extend to your WhatsApp group requests to catch up? Not only did they forget they were already meeting next Tuesday, forget to say hey „why don’t you come to that?“ but also totally forgot to even respond to you. Honestly, I’m embarrassed for her!!! No wonder she got off the phone and didn’t want to account for herself! Instead she attempted to get another son to do the old „mum’s upset because you’re angry with her“ routine. Although BIL sounds like a decent human. Clearly DH and BIL don’t get it from their momma. Leave the rest of them to get on with it until they grow up. I might forgive them on my own terms at some point, but I’d never ever forget.
MIL had had a shocker!

This is horrible OP. You have every right to feel hurt. The excuses are pathetic. But! Every cloud. Got your OH for getting it aired. Hero for raising it and taking no nonsense. Impressed the BIL rang too. Obvious to everyone it was a shitty thing to do. A whole year! I’d let dust settle now and tbh MIL and SILs should be calling round and trying to make it up to you. Would not be tolerating any nonsense like MIL thinks you’re both angry. Who wouldn’t be hurt? Just sorry this happened. Plan something lovely to do with your man & own family. Least you will never have to tidy up 🧹 for MIL again. She has well and truly burnt her bridges.

I respect your DH for speaking up for you and I was about to post that you should think about and plan what you're going to do after he raises it with them because the relationship will make likely change forever and they will then extend an invitation to you which will then be awkward because it's obvious you are only coming because they were forced to invite you.

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't be going after a forced invitation unless you're really desparate to go. I would just tell them to carry on and I wouldn't be interested in joining and be normal when you meet them for family occasions but I wouldn't be going out of my way to help anyone. Arms length relationship going forward. I wouldn't go out of my way to be rude or mean or anything but I also wouldn't also a sacrifices or go out of my way to be too nice or help.

And YABU for being upset, what they did is not nice and I am glad your husband stood up for you. Too many husbands in mumsnet are spineless and go along with the games their mothers play at the expense of their wife's feelings and needs

Good on your dh OP. He handled this very smoothly.

Bit confused how the BIL didn’t know that the OP was being left out though?

surely the SIL and husband had conversations about their day and it would have come up that she was meeting her MiL and other SIL’s every week. Did no spouse think to go ‘oh does the OP ever join you?’

in an entire year? Not once? Seems odd for him to say that he didn’t realise OP was being left out? Women tend to give their husbands the full rundown of everything (ok generalising but well I know I do!)

And you're the DIL of longest standing too. Personally, I'd do nothing OP. Let MIL and SILs contact you - hopefully with grovelling apologies. 😉

I’m glad you let your husband call. I’d feel awkward if they invited you the next time, would you go?