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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by MIL having regular lunch with her other two DILs and never inviting me.

751 replies

Sacredhandbag · 22/02/2025 16:39

DH has two brothers and a sister.

I thought MIL and I got on well. Not besties or anything but got along fine together. She's a great grandmother. I've always considered myself lucky to have her.
Recently she's been unwell and as I can be around during the day (I'm on maternity leave) I've popped round her house to help her with some laundry and other bits and when she went back to work I spent the day waiting in her house for her for an important delivery she couldn't miss.

Ive just found out that for the past year, she, her daughter, and the wives of her two other sons meet up for lunch every Tuesday and I have not once been invited.

I'm also regularly ignored on the family whatsapp when I suggest to the SILs that we meet up with our kids.

I'm really hurt and I just don't understand. If they dislike me, why was MIL happy to have me over to help her out when she needed it? The other DILs and her daughter didn't, as far as I know.
If it was just her and her daughter, or her and one of her other DILs, I'd understand but it's the fact that it's a group of them that I've been left out of that's upsetting.

DH has offered to speak to her and ask if I can come along but I've said no for now.

AIBU to be upset?

Edit: we all live locally, in the same small town.

OP posts:
JSMill · 22/02/2025 20:42

I have an idea of how you feel. I remember finding out that my dh's cousin would host an annual ladies lunch the day before mothers day, which I had never been invited to. My MIL was quite happy to see her DIL excluded. It was even that bit more hurtful as I married into a different culture so it was clearly because I was a foreigner.
I think it's great your dh has your back. He should definitely speak to your mil. I would take a massive step back from her as well.

Daisymae23 · 22/02/2025 20:45

Def have your husband call one of them!! Otherwise this will just eat you up and you don’t need that!

(I don’t have any SILs so if you live in the south east I will come meet you for lunch 😂)

lastminutetrip · 22/02/2025 20:46

Look I’ve always been an upfront person about my feelings and over the years I have rightly spoken up about hurt feelings when people have been totally awful. You’re taught that it’s the right thing to do, honestly is the best policy, all that.

well experience has taught me it’s not. If DH calls up his mum acting in any way disgruntled, she’ll have a list of defensive (probably made up) reasons to deflect from her behaviour.

so I’m advising to emphasise the hurt. Cry. Keep saying how hurtful it is (and it absolutely is) to exclude someone for so long, knowingly. But again don’t be a victim for too long.

my friend gets way further in life with this strategy than I ever did with open and honest communication - because the other party isn’t playing by the same rules.

IButtleSir · 22/02/2025 21:04

Sacredhandbag · 22/02/2025 19:41

The more I'm thinking about it, the more upset I'm feeling.

Maternity leave is an isolating time. I really would have loved a nice lunch every Tuesday with some other mums. I'd love to see the cousins play together every week. I feel like it's not just me that's been excluded but my kids too. Why have they done this? I've actually had a little cry

DH is now strongly pushing for him to say something. He says it needs to be out in the open and delt with and he thinks it will be mentioned on Tuesday by the cafe worker any way. He's saying he wants to ring his mum or one of his brothers. I'm close to letting him.

I'm racking my brains to think of something I might have said or done to offend one of them but I can't think of anything.

If I were your husband, I'd be fucking furious, and would absolutely have to say something. I vote you let him.

And please, no more favours for your MIL, EVER.

SemperIdem · 22/02/2025 21:11

This is such strange behaviour, you were obviously going to find out at some point.

I would let your husband approach his mother but regardless of what her response is, I’d put distance between you and her.

ZekeZeke · 22/02/2025 21:14

I would get my facts straight. Are you 💯sure it's a weekly meet up?

Original poster
Sacredhandbag · 22/02/2025 21:20

He called his mum!!

So he just came out and said it and said "OP has heard that you, SIL, DIL1 and DIL2 have been meeting up for lunch every week and she's really hurt she's not been invited. What's going on?"

And there was just silence on the phone and then she sort of spluttered and said "well, it's not really like that, it started as me and SIL and then DIL1 came one week and then DIL2 and it just became a really convenient thing for them because the kids love it and there's a toddler group at the church round the corner that starts at 2pm that they go to so it just became convenient for them to come for lunch first and then go to that"

And DH was like well... My wife has a child too, and she really would have liked to have been invited and she could also have gone along to the toddler group, can you not see how hurtful that is?

And MIL just sort of spluttered again and said "you're acting like we deliberately EXCLUDED her, when it's not like that, she can come if she wants!! And then said, look I've got to go in in the middle of something, and hung up.

And then... She must have got straight on the phone to either DIL1 or to DIL1's husband because BIL rung up DH about 15 minutes later and said "I totally get how OP feels and I would have said something if I'd realised she was being left out, but I think it's just different dynamic between DIL1/ DIL2 and MIL because they both have their parents abroad (both are immigrants from different European countries) so MIL just feels more like she has to take them under her wing a bit and be a mother figure to them and OP has her own family and just seems more happy to do her own thing (erm they're intelligent grown women in their late 30s and they've got siblings in this country and have both been here 10+ years, and anyway that not a reason to not invite me).

And DH said "But OP is the only one out of the mums to not be invited, and that also means our kids are missing out on seeing family and playing with cousins and OP doesn't have many other friends with kids"

And he was like "yeah, yeah I totally understand but please don't think anyone has a problem with her because it's not like that, they just didn't think and mum is really worked up now thinking you are both really angry with her"

And he was like "well, we're not happy.... but appreciate you calling to try and smooth things over and sorry you're caught in the crossfire"

And they kind of left it there. Haven't spoken to MIL again and don't really know what to do next 🤷

They literally just didn't think of me. Which is still hurtful. I don't matter after almost 20 years as part of the family.

OP posts:
Boredoutofmyhead · 22/02/2025 21:21

I wouldn't be bothered asking them,they'll just lie.
So I'd be pulling back with the help.
And I'd be turning up Tuesday.
Let them feel embarrassed looking at you.
Your dh can't expect you to be straight when they haven't been.

Edcc · 22/02/2025 21:22

Its funny how these stories all involve women excluding women.

How short term their memory's are.
People on MN can be very forgiving.

In my world, there is no such forgiveness.
My friend really wasn't pushed about the jewellery, she had her own jewellery.
It was initially real hurt, but then very much, the bloody cheek of her to think she would tolerate being treated like that.

Most of my friends worked full-time.
They wouldn't spend 5 minutes helping out an in law that treated them disrespectfully.

They have far too much self respect to be treated like the unpaid help when life is so busy.

Graniteisaverygoodsurface · 22/02/2025 21:24

They’ve been, at best, extremely thoughtless. At worst, absolute cows. Any of them could have mentioned you and suggested you were invited.

Being on maternity leave is such a vulnerable time, especially if you haven’t naturally found a tribe of Mum friends, which is far more common than it seems.

I think you need to distance yourself a bit, OP and let them realise how hurtful they have been and see if they reach out. MIL especially needs to reach out and make this right.

Graniteisaverygoodsurface · 22/02/2025 21:26

they just didn't think and mum is really worked up now thinking you are both really angry with her

The Mum should be worked up. Let her get worked up. I hope she’s not one of those DARVO kind of people who will make herself out to be the victim. Why did she not want to see one of her grandchildren?

Drfosters · 22/02/2025 21:29

honestly big hugs to you.

Time to cool the relationship for a while and take stock when you have time to digest how you want it to continue going forwards.

but I’ve said this on another thread and others agreed - Your relationship will never be quite the same. I had something very minor happen in my family and although we moved past it and everything is on the surface fine but I still haven’t really got over it. So even if they apologise and even if it blows over I feel for you as the feeling lingers forever and you are now stuck with it. All because of their thoughtlessness.

IAmNeverThePerson · 22/02/2025 21:29

That is so unkind of them. Last parcel you wait in for.

PandaTime · 22/02/2025 21:30

I think they were being thoughtless rather than intentionally leaving you out or having a problem with you. They just didn't see it as a thing. It was just a convenient way for two of them to pass the time before going to the toddler group. It didn't occur to them that it might look like a family thing to other people.

TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 22/02/2025 21:31

I would be backing off after this. Instead of an apology and owning up to their fuck up, it's just a bunch of excuses. As a Brit in Germany, I wouldn't exclude my German sister-in-law because I needed a "mother figure". What a load of BS.
Op I'm so sorry. They have behaved terribly. I'd distance myself and expect apologies from all of them honestly.

diddl · 22/02/2025 21:32

"Oh it sort of evolved".

That old chestnut🙄

Even if she didn't think of Op, how could she not have thought of her other GC?

Tarantella6 · 22/02/2025 21:33

I don't understand how they didn't think of you when you were messaging about meeting up? Surely the easiest response to your request is sure, come next Tuesday? I think that point needs to be made, they cannot pretend that they thought you wouldn't be interested when you were literally shouting from the rooftops that you would have been.

Sorry OP, this really sucks. Time to move 6 hours away 😉

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 22/02/2025 21:34

Sacredhandbag · 22/02/2025 21:20

He called his mum!!

So he just came out and said it and said "OP has heard that you, SIL, DIL1 and DIL2 have been meeting up for lunch every week and she's really hurt she's not been invited. What's going on?"

And there was just silence on the phone and then she sort of spluttered and said "well, it's not really like that, it started as me and SIL and then DIL1 came one week and then DIL2 and it just became a really convenient thing for them because the kids love it and there's a toddler group at the church round the corner that starts at 2pm that they go to so it just became convenient for them to come for lunch first and then go to that"

And DH was like well... My wife has a child too, and she really would have liked to have been invited and she could also have gone along to the toddler group, can you not see how hurtful that is?

And MIL just sort of spluttered again and said "you're acting like we deliberately EXCLUDED her, when it's not like that, she can come if she wants!! And then said, look I've got to go in in the middle of something, and hung up.

And then... She must have got straight on the phone to either DIL1 or to DIL1's husband because BIL rung up DH about 15 minutes later and said "I totally get how OP feels and I would have said something if I'd realised she was being left out, but I think it's just different dynamic between DIL1/ DIL2 and MIL because they both have their parents abroad (both are immigrants from different European countries) so MIL just feels more like she has to take them under her wing a bit and be a mother figure to them and OP has her own family and just seems more happy to do her own thing (erm they're intelligent grown women in their late 30s and they've got siblings in this country and have both been here 10+ years, and anyway that not a reason to not invite me).

And DH said "But OP is the only one out of the mums to not be invited, and that also means our kids are missing out on seeing family and playing with cousins and OP doesn't have many other friends with kids"

And he was like "yeah, yeah I totally understand but please don't think anyone has a problem with her because it's not like that, they just didn't think and mum is really worked up now thinking you are both really angry with her"

And he was like "well, we're not happy.... but appreciate you calling to try and smooth things over and sorry you're caught in the crossfire"

And they kind of left it there. Haven't spoken to MIL again and don't really know what to do next 🤷

They literally just didn't think of me. Which is still hurtful. I don't matter after almost 20 years as part of the family.

They have excluded you though. They never once mentioned they were meeting up. They went cold in the group chat when you asked to meet up. That would have been a great time to mention Tuesday meet ups. They didn’t though. For a whole year. Utter bastards

Good on your DH. I’m so sorry your in-laws are so unkind x

Lighttodark · 22/02/2025 21:35

PandaTime · 22/02/2025 21:30

I think they were being thoughtless rather than intentionally leaving you out or having a problem with you. They just didn't see it as a thing. It was just a convenient way for two of them to pass the time before going to the toddler group. It didn't occur to them that it might look like a family thing to other people.

BS. Are you one of the DILs?!
How could it not occur to them? How could they not see it as a ‘thing’ if it happens regularly for a year? It’s nasty behaviour and there’s no way of sugar coating it.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 22/02/2025 21:38

Yanbu.
I wouldn't be helping her out any more tbh

MermaidMummy06 · 22/02/2025 21:38

Well, they deserve to feel shame & guilt. They knew, just couldn't be bothered. I find people don't care if they hurt you, as long as THEY are included. My DM tells me to get over it if it happens to me, then calls & literally cries & wails to me if someone does it to her!!

Don't make the effort any more, OP. Not for assistance or visits. My DH takes the DC alone to see FIL (MIL passed), and only one wants to go, so he misses out on DD. We also only see SIL when she makes a rare duty visit. We don't go to her. When MIL was unwell I was SAHM & could have helped out a lot, but didn't. I would have, happily, if treated better.

I do think your DH is a star, though, OP. I wish mine was like that!!

PandaTime · 22/02/2025 21:39

Lighttodark · 22/02/2025 21:35

BS. Are you one of the DILs?!
How could it not occur to them? How could they not see it as a ‘thing’ if it happens regularly for a year? It’s nasty behaviour and there’s no way of sugar coating it.

Edited
Show quote history

Because people generally only think of themselves.

Boredoutofmyhead · 22/02/2025 21:39

Plus think of all the times you've probably seen them and not one word was said.
That's just so deliberate and mean.
I'm surprised one-of the kids didn't walk them in it though

pikkumyy77 · 22/02/2025 21:40

I hate to say this but MIL doesn’t feel as important to you as she likes. And you are boring to her, a known quantity after 20 years. While her exotic EE new DIL’s give her a deference or status or keep her in good with more favoured sons. She didn’t invite you because although you have been in the family 20 years, which really should give you quite a senior DIL status, you are also younger than some of the others. Or: your DH is the utility child and you have inherited his status. She likes you fine, as one does like a good appliance or a working dog, but she doesn’t spoil you.

menopausalfart · 22/02/2025 21:41

So you didn't even enter their head?
What a shitty thing to do.

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