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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

550 replies

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 13:25

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

OP posts:
the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 16:02

TheignT · 22/02/2025 15:57

Her infertility, her mobility issues, her child's diagnosis? Any compassion at all?

Ann has clearly been through the mill.

FFS.

fiorentina · 22/02/2025 16:03

You sound like a very considerate and loyal friend. It’s a very tricky situation but ultimately Ann is having difficulties dealing with jealousy and maybe due to her personal challenges with pregnancy etc has distanced herself.
While you’ve ‘benefited’ from the sad passing of your relatives you have also made your own luck career wise, reinventing yourself and your DH getting a promotion - something Ann and her DH could also do if they wished. It’s a shame that she can’t see that.

HH4432 · 22/02/2025 16:03

TheignT · 22/02/2025 15:57

Her infertility, her mobility issues, her child's diagnosis? Any compassion at all?

Why? OP lost her parents - doesnt sound like Ann has compassion at all. Why should people fart around jealous people? It just enables them in their wallowing.

A lot of us have those exact problems, but don't let it define us and distance from friends who have been there for us in the bad times just because they are "lucky" enough to have money due to bereavments.

ItGhoul · 22/02/2025 16:05

It’s sad to lose friendships, but I can understand that it’s difficult for someone who is struggling or unhappy to be hanging out with someone far more wealthy and fulfilled. It sounds as if this is more of a mental health thing for Ann than a resentment thing. I don’t think it’s a case of her begrudging you your success but simply that she’s currently miserable and depressed and is finding it hard to be confronted with all the things she and her own family can’t enjoy.

ploppydoppy · 22/02/2025 16:06

Why should people fart around jealous people?

🤔

LushLemonTart · 22/02/2025 16:06

I feel very sad for you.

I've had friends be more fortunate than me throughout time and vice versa. We stuck together. Ann wasn't a true friend sorry.

You're grieving what you thought was real. There was no need for her to ghost you. It's ignorant.

BruFord · 22/02/2025 16:07

And I've been incredibly empathic. She lost quite a few friends over the years and I became her only shoulder.

It’s telling that she has form for losing friends/falling out with people. It would be interesting to know what caused these fallouts- perhaps she just can’t bear it when something good happens to a friend?

I do sympathize with her fertility and health challenges, but surely it’s normal to have friends with a range of lifestyles and varying fortunes? I have a couple of friends with trust funds, others who are high earners, and some who are less affluent. It doesn’t particularly bother me, I don’t think about it much tbh.

ElleintheWoods · 22/02/2025 16:09

I don’t really have any advice apart from, I feel for you.

It feels awful to be rejected for these kinds of reasons.

I make friends from all kinds of backgrounds but my background is quite wealthy, which reflects in education, childhood experiences etc. I’ve now come to a point where I actively hide it to be accepted at face value for the person I am. However, I’ve had people, including people who i really cared about, pull away for these reasons. Eg they’d come to my house and then really cut down contact after, and say things about how I’ve had an easy life behind my back. I understand that ‘having stuff’ makes some people feel bad about themselves, but it’s a ‘them’ problem. You can’t really fix it by talking, I don’t think. If being around your lifestyle makes her feel inferior, it’s something she needs to address, you can’t up someone else’s self-esteem. I’ve learned it the hard way as I’ve made tons of mistakes trying to fix these types of rejections.

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 16:12

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 16:02

Ann has clearly been through the mill.

FFS.

I had fertility issues. I needed IVF for my first child. I've had health issues. I've experienced poverty and stresses over it. I've lost family members. I've lost my job, which at the time was worrying and stressful. One of my children has diabetes. One of my friends kids has cerebral palsy. Yes Ann has had a rubbish hand with health and fertility and I've done my best to be there for her too.

What I haven't done is ghosted my friends!

Yes I get why but I'm allowed to feel sad over it. I thought we meant more to each other.

OP posts:
IJustLoveDogsTBH · 22/02/2025 16:14

IJustLoveDogsTBH · 22/02/2025 15:36

I had a ‘friend’ like this who cut me off suddenly and I think it’s for the same reasons Ann has done it to you.

Ex-friend wanted more children, her husband refused- I had more.
She wanted to move out of the area we all lived in, her husband said no- I did.

Looking back I can see now that she was a toxic person and it was always her way or no way. Anytime we went out, it would always be her choice or where she wanted to eat etc.

A mutual friend asked me if I’d ever be friends with ex-friend again if she offered, not in a million years.

Sometimes people are only friends with you when they’re happy you’re all in the same boat.

Wanted to edit but can’t see the option but just to add that one of my children has ASD and is severely unwell long term with another condition and has been close to death several times so Ann should also see that even though you may appear to ‘have it all’ she will never know what is going on under the surface and the grief you feel.

ploppydoppy · 22/02/2025 16:14

@PinkGiraffe1 you don't sound like you want to be her friend either so what's the point of the thread?

TheignT · 22/02/2025 16:14

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 16:12

I had fertility issues. I needed IVF for my first child. I've had health issues. I've experienced poverty and stresses over it. I've lost family members. I've lost my job, which at the time was worrying and stressful. One of my children has diabetes. One of my friends kids has cerebral palsy. Yes Ann has had a rubbish hand with health and fertility and I've done my best to be there for her too.

What I haven't done is ghosted my friends!

Yes I get why but I'm allowed to feel sad over it. I thought we meant more to each other.

We aren't all the same. She needs space so leave her alone and carry on with your other friends. You can't decide how she should feel.

Bleachbum · 22/02/2025 16:16

I think it’s more to do with you having twins. Some women can’t get past their infertility and it permeates everything.

I lost a good friend as I had 2 children whilst she was having terrible fertility issues. Our friendship didn’t recover even after she finally managed to have her own miracle babies.

Moveoverdarlin · 22/02/2025 16:16

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 16:00

To just say, Ann and Ben aren't poor. Ben has a really good job so much so Ann stopped working. Their house isn't small or rundown either. They don't live in poverty.

Yes, health and fertility wise, that's not what she wanted but in terms of money, for ages they were the wealthiest by a long mile.

Your last sentence could be the crux of it. They were used to being the wealthiest in the group and her nose has massively been put out of joint. The fact you are now super wealthy and have some twins thrown in too for good measure it’s just become too much. But I think others are wrong, it is good old fashioned jealousy.

I think it’s a good idea to send flowers for her birthday and then just leave it. But if your DH has a conversation with Ben in the future if I was him I’d be inclined to be blunt and say ‘Look mate, I’m pretty shocked that our change in circumstances has caused Ann so much angst. Both my wife’s parents died suddenly FFS. Can you just take that in? She lost her Mum, Dad and Gran in the space of a year. They’ll never meet the twins. It hasn’t been a walk in the park for her either you know. We didn’t ask for any of this. We haven’t won the lottery. She’d rather have her parents here.‘

TheignT · 22/02/2025 16:17

IJustLoveDogsTBH · 22/02/2025 16:14

Wanted to edit but can’t see the option but just to add that one of my children has ASD and is severely unwell long term with another condition and has been close to death several times so Ann should also see that even though you may appear to ‘have it all’ she will never know what is going on under the surface and the grief you feel.

Why does Ann have to see anything? She feels what she feels and she deals with it in the best way for her. The OP probably doesn't know everything that might be affecting Ann but she does know Ann doesn't want to see her at the moment. That's all she needs to know.

Soontobe60 · 22/02/2025 16:17

XWKD · 22/02/2025 13:34

Some people are petty and jealous, and think that everything's about them. Their bitterness is their problem, and not yours. The fact that they put that ahead of your years of friendship shows you the kind of people they are. They chose this.

They’re not being petty, jealous or bitter. They now feel that they cant compete - they were trying for a second child and that hasn’t happened so that could actually be the main reason for their actions.

Whotenanny · 22/02/2025 16:17

I don't even have the words. A&B are being v. unreasonable.

Rachie1973 · 22/02/2025 16:18

You sound quite self involved. Whatever anyone says you came back with ‘but I’, and compare yourself. It’s coming across that you feel entitled to an explanation.

I don’t think your DH being ‘furious’ is helping you at all.

Its time to just step back and let it go.

TheignT · 22/02/2025 16:18

Whotenanny · 22/02/2025 16:17

I don't even have the words. A&B are being v. unreasonable.

Yes how dare they have feelings. Cheek of it.

hairbearbunches · 22/02/2025 16:18

@PinkGiraffe1 Why don't you just write her a heart felt letter, instead of posting on here. Don't make it about you and how upset you are, tell her what's missing from your life without her in it.

I really can't work out whether you're genuinely saddened by this, or are put out that someone like Ann has unfriended you.

Rachie1973 · 22/02/2025 16:19

hairbearbunches · 22/02/2025 16:18

@PinkGiraffe1 Why don't you just write her a heart felt letter, instead of posting on here. Don't make it about you and how upset you are, tell her what's missing from your life without her in it.

I really can't work out whether you're genuinely saddened by this, or are put out that someone like Ann has unfriended you.

Yes! That’s what I was trying to say!

OriginalUsername2 · 22/02/2025 16:20

Startrekkeruniverse · 22/02/2025 14:59

Ann is basically jealous that you got an inheritance because you lost your parents and grandparents. I wouldn’t want to be friends with Ann tbh, she sounds an arse.

I really don’t think so. I think it’s the heartbreak of not having the second child you want, then seeing someone close to you having surprise twins. A lot of women find it incredibly painful.

thatsalad · 22/02/2025 16:21

HH4432 · 22/02/2025 15:54

I get so fed up with people like Ann who can't ever seem to see the bigger picture and are riven with jealousy.

The main reason you have money is because your parents died - and her response to your "good luck"( in her warped view) is to unfriend you? I am sure you would much prefer your parents were alive than to have the money.

What a cow.

You are best off without her @PinkGiraffe1 , she has done you a favor. People like her are exhausting.

Edited

You're missing the part where Ann probably had bereavements too, but no inheratance. It's not an either or situation. Ann probably had equal struggles, but none of the benefits, that's why her feeling are valid.

DressOrSkirt · 22/02/2025 16:21

MarkingBad · 22/02/2025 13:38

Sorry I disagree that it is easier to be the one who suceeds, you lose a lot of friends and family you hoped would be there for life through the kind of jealousy OP is writing about.

It doesn't matter what you do or how you behave, if you do even just a little better or different than you are expected to your life is upended by people who can't stand you not being in the same shit you always were. It is especially brutal when it is through inheritance or seriously hard work because you've lost people who are close or have put in the hours and stress, then those you thought were friends seem determined to make it harder for you.

No, it's not on and not easier.

Sorry OP, throughout my life I've had waves of this from people I thought were close to me because I did something different to what they wanted me to do. I've learned that friendships and even family are temporary, what suited me then doesn't suit me now. As devastating as it is, you've just got to accept their feelings and work towards moving on.

Edited

If it wasn't easier then they'd donate the inheritance, and refuse the promotions.

ploppydoppy · 22/02/2025 16:21

really can't work out whether you're genuinely saddened by this, or are put out that someone like Ann has unfriended you.

As the thread has gone, it doesn't read as genuine concern