Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

550 replies

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 13:25

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

OP posts:
BruFord · 22/02/2025 16:22

ElleintheWoods · 22/02/2025 16:09

I don’t really have any advice apart from, I feel for you.

It feels awful to be rejected for these kinds of reasons.

I make friends from all kinds of backgrounds but my background is quite wealthy, which reflects in education, childhood experiences etc. I’ve now come to a point where I actively hide it to be accepted at face value for the person I am. However, I’ve had people, including people who i really cared about, pull away for these reasons. Eg they’d come to my house and then really cut down contact after, and say things about how I’ve had an easy life behind my back. I understand that ‘having stuff’ makes some people feel bad about themselves, but it’s a ‘them’ problem. You can’t really fix it by talking, I don’t think. If being around your lifestyle makes her feel inferior, it’s something she needs to address, you can’t up someone else’s self-esteem. I’ve learned it the hard way as I’ve made tons of mistakes trying to fix these types of rejections.

@ElleintheWoods I remember the first time I visited a friend’s house…I pulled up in front of this mansion and realized that we were in very different financial circumstances. 😂
She’s now one of my closest friends, it really shouldn’t matter, it’s sad when it does.

Duggeewoof · 22/02/2025 16:23

They are not your friends. Interesting the husband let slip that it was all down to Anna.

ploppydoppy · 22/02/2025 16:23

You're missing the part where Ann probably had bereavements too, but no inheratance.

Mns is weird on this. Of course I would rather have back a member of my family but I'd also rather have an inheritance or not.

TheignT · 22/02/2025 16:25

hairbearbunches · 22/02/2025 16:18

@PinkGiraffe1 Why don't you just write her a heart felt letter, instead of posting on here. Don't make it about you and how upset you are, tell her what's missing from your life without her in it.

I really can't work out whether you're genuinely saddened by this, or are put out that someone like Ann has unfriended you.

That's great but it isn't Ann's job to add what's missing from OPs life or to deal with the OPs sadness. She's got enough on her plate. I really hope the OP doesn't guilt trip her.

Moveoverdarlin · 22/02/2025 16:25

OriginalUsername2 · 22/02/2025 16:20

I really don’t think so. I think it’s the heartbreak of not having the second child you want, then seeing someone close to you having surprise twins. A lot of women find it incredibly painful.

But I wonder if Ann has the hump with every female friend that has gone on to have children or just the one that has inherited a lot of money.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 22/02/2025 16:25

You do come across boastful… why not just say difference in incomes drive your friendship apart. All the sprinkles of wealth and prosperity seem boastful.

Iamnotalemming · 22/02/2025 16:26

I understand why you're upset. But you can't really do anything about how Ann feels, can you? You haven't done anything wrong. Just give her space, flowers on her bday sounds like a good call, and then leave her be. Check in periodically but stop trying to arrange meet ups etc. It's sad but it happens.

I'm sorry for your losses also. Flowers

FrivolousKitchenRollUse · 22/02/2025 16:29

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 16:12

I had fertility issues. I needed IVF for my first child. I've had health issues. I've experienced poverty and stresses over it. I've lost family members. I've lost my job, which at the time was worrying and stressful. One of my children has diabetes. One of my friends kids has cerebral palsy. Yes Ann has had a rubbish hand with health and fertility and I've done my best to be there for her too.

What I haven't done is ghosted my friends!

Yes I get why but I'm allowed to feel sad over it. I thought we meant more to each other.

I'm on your side overall but your recent posts are a bit tone deaf and you're just assuming that because you've reacted in one way to adversity that Ann should be doing the same. Perhaps the fact you've gone through all these hardships should make you see her perspective a little better even if she hasn't behaved greatly?

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 16:29

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 16:12

I had fertility issues. I needed IVF for my first child. I've had health issues. I've experienced poverty and stresses over it. I've lost family members. I've lost my job, which at the time was worrying and stressful. One of my children has diabetes. One of my friends kids has cerebral palsy. Yes Ann has had a rubbish hand with health and fertility and I've done my best to be there for her too.

What I haven't done is ghosted my friends!

Yes I get why but I'm allowed to feel sad over it. I thought we meant more to each other.

Sorry the FFS wasn’t directed at you OP.

I get what you are saying, most of us go through things in life, life isn’t easy for anyone.

People cope in different ways though and it seems she can’t handle the difference between your lives.

She may come around in time, but try to understand that the disparity between your lives is too much for her to handle.

ploppydoppy · 22/02/2025 16:29

She’s now one of my closest friends, it really shouldn’t matter, it’s sad when it does.

Doesn't it depend on the person?

I no longer see a school friend, I never really gelled with her it was more a circumstances, group thing. Now she may think it's because I'm jealous of her lifestyle. She lives in a 2m house, dc at the best private schools, etc. She was always snobby & arrogant but marrying into money made her worse. Whereas I have another friend whose DH was on the ST rich list, they live a completely different lifestyle but they are down to earth & fun to be around.

BruFord · 22/02/2025 16:29

Moveoverdarlin · 22/02/2025 16:25

But I wonder if Ann has the hump with every female friend that has gone on to have children or just the one that has inherited a lot of money.

Yes, I’m wondering that too @Moveoverdarlin as it sounds as if Ann loses friends easily.

Whotenanny · 22/02/2025 16:34

TheignT · 22/02/2025 16:18

Yes how dare they have feelings. Cheek of it.

You can have feelings, just keep them private.

saraclara · 22/02/2025 16:34

Your DH being furious, and encouraging you to 'have it out with her' is not helpful at all.

He could have the calm and rational conversation with Ben that a pp suggested, or he could check in with him to say that you're worried, and is Ann clinically depressed. If she is, the last thing she needs is you letting rip at her (or her hearing from Ben that your DH is furious).

InterIgnis · 22/02/2025 16:34

This is why a lot of people gravitate to those in a similar position to them, economically. Having to constantly watch what you say/how you present can be exhausting, and won’t necessarily even prevent bad feeling.

Being careful to ‘play down’ can be easily perceived as patronizing, and trying to relate as tone deaf and out of touch. Not playing it down though can be perceived as boasting and rubbing it in. Basically you can’t win with some, and you’re wasting your time trying to.

It may be painful, but this is a ‘them’ problem. You haven’t done anything wrong, and your good fortune isn’t something you need to compensate anyone for.

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 16:34

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 16:02

Ann has clearly been through the mill.

FFS.

So what are you saying, the op hasn’t? That Anne gets a free pass?

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 16:34

I'm sorry if I've come across as boastful or lacking in care. It honestly isn't my intention.

I can't or won't force Ann into anything. Nor will I guilt trip her.

I do understand or at least I'm trying to understand why she's no longer speaking with me.

I came here for advice on what to do. I didn't want to just give up on a our friendship. Especially if she's going through something I'm not aware of. Equally I didn't want to bombard her if space is the best thing.

If I ignore her birthday then it might seem I'm angry or I'm retaliating which I don't want her to feel. I think flowers and a card saying something like, Happy Birthday. Hope to see you soon to celebrate. X

OP posts:
saraclara · 22/02/2025 16:35

Whotenanny · 22/02/2025 16:34

You can have feelings, just keep them private.

They were keeping their feelings private. But then DH called Ben and Ben gave an honest answer.

ElleintheWoods · 22/02/2025 16:36

BruFord · 22/02/2025 16:22

@ElleintheWoods I remember the first time I visited a friend’s house…I pulled up in front of this mansion and realized that we were in very different financial circumstances. 😂
She’s now one of my closest friends, it really shouldn’t matter, it’s sad when it does.

That’s lovely. It really doesn’t. It’s who the person is on the inside.

I work a lot with clients that grow up extremely poor and suddenly make a lot of money and it’s a little sad how that tends to affect their circle.

Obviously financial topics wouldn’t normally come up in everyday life up to a point of closeness, but everytime I do tell someone the truth, I feel like I’m standing naked in front of somebody and hope they accept me in all my weirdness.

I recently lost a guy that was really into me largely for ‘wealth differences’, and that really hurt tbh. I’m becoming really good friends with a girl that identifies as ‘working class’ right now and tbh I’m scared because I really like her.

One of my childhood best friends comes from an extreme background in terms of wealth (family has bodyguards type situation) and she has trouble making friends unless they’re in her circle.

It does hurt because you can’t choose your circumstances. But sometimes even something like treating a friend to something lovely can go wrong.

saraclara · 22/02/2025 16:36

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 16:34

I'm sorry if I've come across as boastful or lacking in care. It honestly isn't my intention.

I can't or won't force Ann into anything. Nor will I guilt trip her.

I do understand or at least I'm trying to understand why she's no longer speaking with me.

I came here for advice on what to do. I didn't want to just give up on a our friendship. Especially if she's going through something I'm not aware of. Equally I didn't want to bombard her if space is the best thing.

If I ignore her birthday then it might seem I'm angry or I'm retaliating which I don't want her to feel. I think flowers and a card saying something like, Happy Birthday. Hope to see you soon to celebrate. X

I think that's the right way to go. Not super-expensive flowers though!

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 16:38

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 16:34

I'm sorry if I've come across as boastful or lacking in care. It honestly isn't my intention.

I can't or won't force Ann into anything. Nor will I guilt trip her.

I do understand or at least I'm trying to understand why she's no longer speaking with me.

I came here for advice on what to do. I didn't want to just give up on a our friendship. Especially if she's going through something I'm not aware of. Equally I didn't want to bombard her if space is the best thing.

If I ignore her birthday then it might seem I'm angry or I'm retaliating which I don't want her to feel. I think flowers and a card saying something like, Happy Birthday. Hope to see you soon to celebrate. X

Op,you’ve not been boastful or smug. The fact some posters are jealous is a tnem issue.

dont reach out to anne, dont send her flowers, dont be a beg a friend. She’s made her feelings clear. Accept it and move on. She isn’t your friend, and she was quite happy to be when she was the richer one.

and you likely should have clarified in your op that Anne and her husband are relatively wealthy to the extent she could give up work easily. And that for a long time, they were they wealthy ones in the group.

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 16:39

saraclara · 22/02/2025 16:35

They were keeping their feelings private. But then DH called Ben and Ben gave an honest answer.

No they weren’t they told others in the group.

TheignT · 22/02/2025 16:39

Whotenanny · 22/02/2025 16:34

You can have feelings, just keep them private.

Well if the OP and her husband didn't want to know they shouldn't have been gossiping with a drunk and then confronting Ben.

hairbearbunches · 22/02/2025 16:39

@ElleintheWoods One of my childhood best friends comes from an extreme background in terms of wealth (family has bodyguards type situation) and she has trouble making friends unless they’re in her circle.

Well, unfortunately she will do. People can't relate to that at all, and she can't relate to having too much month at the end of the money. There's only so far you can go with such disparate circumstances. It's just life.

The gap between ultra rich and just getting by is now so extreme, it's actually offensive.

MarkingBad · 22/02/2025 16:39

MemorableTrenchcoat · 22/02/2025 15:31

Of course it’s easier to navigate life with more resources. That’s why humans evolved to be motivated to acquire resources.

I think you have misunderstood what I wrote.

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 16:40

TheignT · 22/02/2025 16:39

Well if the OP and her husband didn't want to know they shouldn't have been gossiping with a drunk and then confronting Ben.

You know Anne;s not poor right. Calm down you are coming across as if you’re also consumed with jealousy