Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

From everything you have said, I think it is much more likely to be about you having four kids, and her not having more than the one she has, plus the child she has has health/Sn issues. I think the wealth is a red herring here.

Ann is clearly feeling hard done by and bitter. Instead of being able to feel happy for you, it’s making her feel terrible.
its not your fault at all and really her bad. All she can see is that you have more children and more money, and she doesn’t.
she doesn’t see your grief, or the fact that money is nice but is ultimately unfulfilling or that yours and your DH’s jobs have their price to pay.
leave them be and enjoy your life x

I had a lovely work friend, we weren't best of friends but we socialised out of work, and I'd say for a couple of years we were best work friends.

We got pregnant at the same time. She lost her child in the first trimester. I went on to have my child. She just couldn't be around me. She has gone on to have two children, but my first child must clearly remind her of the one she lost, and she and I are not friends now. There's nothing to be done about that.

How can they be more "sensitive"? Pretend the twins don't exist, replace the car with a £300 Saxo and / or pretend the house is being re-possessed?! Will Ann reciprocate and act like her parents are dead as well?

You keep coming back to this and yes you've been through a lot and money doesn't make u0 for that, but she has also been through a lot with the added fact that she is still struggling with all those things. You have 4 kids, she has one who has SN and that can be bloody hard. She's struggling with health and SN and infertility in the here and now. She's struggling, she's likely had to make her world smaller, many of us with SN kids understand that need, instead of feeling compassion you keep comparing her life to yours and saying you've been through lots so she should understand, but you don't understand how she can be struggling and not coping and not be able to be your friend right now. It's not about you but you're making it about you.

You don't actually know she stopped work because they don't need her to work, she may well have stopped work because of her child's and her own health. I certainly no longer tell anyone except my friends with SN kids what things are really like, because no one else understands it or gets it. I've had to distance myself from other friends because they didn't understand why I couldn't do an outing on the weekend with my kids. Not bad people, good people, but they just didn't get it. It's a different world. You're judging her and you really have no idea what she's going through. The fact you dismiss her infertility because you had some struggles then ended up with 4 kids is very telling. This isn't the same at all and you should be able to see that.

I think she was trying to accurately summarize the situation, not being "quick." She didn't even include that info in her op.

You have a whole life ahead of you and the wheel is always turning you may not always be well off, you may divorce, your kids may struggle in life, nothing is certain. Ann may have another child, Ann may divorce, Ann may have a windfall.

Whoever told you you haven’t changed is a liar. Change is one of lives inevitables. The lifting of financial burdens brings a lightness in nature or a certain je ne sais quoi. Within a few posts your tone changed completely so how you can impress that your nature hasn’t changed due to an increase of money is completely fanciful and immature.

You’ve had a bereavement and a financial gain you’ve changed and Ann probably doesn't like the person you’ve changed into, but equally stifled fertility and longing for another child has changed Ann and she doesn't like the person that these emotions have changed her into. But Ann will change, and equally you will change many more times.

Why flash the cash just be simple and send her a birthday card.

Doesn't that work both ways though? Ann is also judging in exactly the same way and likely also doesn't know about whatever struggles OP has. When we compare our insides with other people's outsides we set ourselves up for disaster. I just don't understand how someone could choose to distance themselves because they perceive that their friend has 'more' or their life is in some way easier.

OP, I genuinely don’t see why this has come as such a surprise. Surely it was a very obvious set of reasons for the friendship to hit problems?

Also despite the money worries, a family with a single older child is going to find it hard to socialise with a family thay has 4 children (2 who are significantly younger).

Ann's not the one on here comparing problems. She's not the one on here saying have 4 kids is comparable to having 1 because they both struggled with infertility. OP keeps adding more stuff about why her friend should be happy for her and won't acknowledge that someone can both be happy for their friend and struggling so much they can't cope at the same time. I seriously doubt OPs attitude hasn't made itself apparent to Ann. Nothing like a friend thinking you should he greatful their doing well when your life is a mess.

I get the feeling Ben would like nothing more than a nice couple of pints with your DH. Infertility can turn the meekest, kindest woman unbelievably irrational though and this is what's happened to Ann. I imagine she is consumed with negative thoughts. I do feel sorry for her, I can't begin to imagine how much pain she's in. All you can really do is accept this. Perhaps she will find a way out of this, I hope so. I would keep communications open with Ben though. He needs his friends and even just a short text to say hope you are ok will mean a lot. There's a chance his marriage might not be the happiest.

She doesn't dislike you she just can't be around you. She's got a lot of challenges and you've got everything she dreams of. I would wait for her to be in a better place. Let her know you'll be there when she wants to talk.

But OP isn't expecting Ann to be grateful, or happy. She's just hurt that someone she thought was a good friend has decided to distance herself because her circumstances have changed. It doesn't sound like OP has been dismissive or unsympathetic, but she can't change the fact that her business is doing well or that she luckily got pregnant with twins (personally I don't think that 4 kids including twins born shortly after losing both parents is a walk in the park). It's just so sad to reject friendship for these reasons and I wonder how Ann would feel if her life changed and as a result she was cut out by people she thought cared for her.

Having lost both parents myself fairly young maybe I'm a bit sensitive, but it's really not something people choose and an inheritance doesn't 'make up' for it. I don't get resentful of all of my friends whose parents are still going strong, why would I? I just don't get why people would be upset that a friend has something they don't have. By all means be upset about the problems we have but that doesn't have to translate to being upset that other people don't have the same issues.

This is an Ann issue and she needs to give her head a wobble.

no she doesn't.
It is HER issue, and she's dealing with it by distancing herself, which is the wisest thing to to.

She's acting exactly as she should.

She's not having an argument with the OP, she's not bad-mouthing anyone, she's stepping back. If everyone was acting that way, life would be a lot easier than those who prefer creating drama.

It was a mistake to confront this couple about why they have distanced themselves from you. It is difficult when somebody comes into money and their lives change. Friends can be envious. Especially if you decide to move to a big house and drive a flashy new car.

And what about the bad luck OP has had in order to get the lifestyle she has now. I’m sure she’d swap it all for her family back.

You are being silly with your
Boo hoo Ann

Where did you read she was slagging people off? They feel poor and rubbish compared to us. She's slagging herself off if anything!

she could keep right on trotting herself as far away as she likes.
that's exactly what's she's doing, so what are you complaining about?

what does this has to do with anything?

It's completely irrelevant here. Someone is feeling inadequate because of the current situation, so they remove themselves. Good for them.

More people should be like this and avoid unnecessary drama and arguments.

It's about her fertility, not the money. If I'm being frank, if I was desperate for another child but was struggling with infertility, and my friend had new twins, I would need to step back from the friendship too. It's possible to be happy for someone and overwhelmingly jealous at the same time. I inagine it's absolutely crippling to want another child that much and know it wont happen. It's easier for her not to be around you, and you need to accept that.

Oh come on. Ann is a self-obsessed whinger.

Yes - I think it’s less about the money. The fertility thing is the kicker imo.

none of this is your fault OP, but I can see how tough it is for them.

As you say, there’s been luck involved ( I don’t mean to take away from your loss or your hard work, but luck plays a huge part in everyone’s lives) and it can be tough to see how other people’s lives have panned out differently when they’ve also been hard working, but she has been hit with health issues

It’s not irrelevant. People are going on about how Ann feels and not the fact that OP has had to go through something horrendous too. Saying OP lacks empathy, when she hasn’t done or written anything to suggest she’s not empathetic.

And yes, of course Ann can do what she wants but that doesn’t mean OP can’t feel upset by it or ask for advice on how to proceed.

I imagine infertility does make one a little self obsessed and certainly a whinger.

@Millysmum87 at least she has a child. Lots of people with fertility issues have no children at all. Lots of people don't get everything they want in life