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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

550 replies

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 13:25

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

OP posts:
Notsosure1 · 22/02/2025 19:18

Poppyseeds79 · 22/02/2025 13:31

I would just leave it alone. If they can't see that to gain a lot of your money you've had to lose most of your family then they aren't worth being friends with. I'm sure a bigger house/nicer holidays are lovely, but I'd bet you'd rather more years with relatives over that.

I think it’s more likely to be they were longing for another child and OP went on to have 3 more, excluding the gain in wealth. Its not OP’s fault but she must understand how hard it would be for Ann and her husband to see them regularly and hear of all their exciting family updates, particularly when their only DH has ADHD, which will be separately challenging.

It’s sad this has affected the friendship but accept that it has and try not to resent her for it.

Duggeewoof · 22/02/2025 19:28

I agree. They ghosted you, they didn’t even have the decency to explain why they were ceasing contact. But they happily told everyone else how they have treated you. Shitty, calculated behaviour.

Lalaland67 · 22/02/2025 19:34

Quite often people post on this board who are struggling with infertility and need to be around pregnant women for one reason or another. Baby showers, at work etc. They’re almost always told to distance themselves from the event and the pregnant woman. So why is Ann getting such a hard time for being ‘jealous’?

moonsunandstars · 22/02/2025 19:40

It's nobody's fault.

Ann probably feels the way she does because she can't give her child a sibling and you have 4 now.

It's not your fault, but seeing your bliss probably increases her agony, show her what she can't have.

It's a very human emotion, it doesn't mean that she's a bad person.

I would just accept the distance for now.

She might come around or she might not.

Goldbar · 22/02/2025 19:43

Blimeyohreillythatsourgovernment · 22/02/2025 19:14

Discovering that an assumed “good friend” isn’t as good a friend as we thought they were hurts.

But it doesn’t hurt half as much as finding out that said good friend wasn’t really a friend at all.

If friendship, REAL friendship, means ANYTHING it means “you can count on me”. A true friend will stand beside you in the rain and storm…..AND the sun. A friend will be able to be happy for you whilst dealing with feelings of (understandible) envy. If the ONLY thing she can feel is seething resentment and jealousy…..that person was never your friend OP. Merely a good aquaintance. There is nothing whatsoever wrong in being or having an aquaintance. But that’s all she/they ever were.

I’m so sorry OP. One of life’s truly painful lessons. Let them go.

But how far does the OP really want her friend to lean on HER?

Is she really happy to be around for the bitter tears, the "it's so unfair that you seem to have it all!", the open expression of her friend's grief that the life she wanted seems to have eluded her? Is she willing to hear that and try her best to console and comfort? Is she willing to run her friend around to appointments if required and babysit her child to give her a rest? To give practical and emotional help when required?

I suspect not, in which case it was a social friendship only, albeit maybe close. It was based on being able to enjoy time together socially, not really on making sacrifices for each other. I have several of these friendships, there's nothing wrong with them and I value them. But if I was going through a tough time and needed to withdraw to regroup and lick my wounds, these aren't the friends I would dump on and so I'd have to reduce contact to focus on myself. Sometimes we go through periods in life where it isn't possible to paste a smile on our faces and pretend everything is fine in order to be good company for other people.

Ewock · 22/02/2025 19:47

MumChp · 22/02/2025 13:27

It's always easier to be the one who succeeds in life.

Accept that it's their feelings and decision.

I doubt op feels it's easier when she's lost both her parents and her grandparents.
What an incredibly insensitive post

Poppyseeds79 · 22/02/2025 19:50

Notsosure1 · 22/02/2025 19:18

I think it’s more likely to be they were longing for another child and OP went on to have 3 more, excluding the gain in wealth. Its not OP’s fault but she must understand how hard it would be for Ann and her husband to see them regularly and hear of all their exciting family updates, particularly when their only DH has ADHD, which will be separately challenging.

It’s sad this has affected the friendship but accept that it has and try not to resent her for it.

Why is it hard for Ann? Just because Ann and her DH haven't had a windfall via losing her parents and grandparent? Boo hoo Ann 🙄

As for the additional DC life isn't always fair, and they have a healthy child. ADHD isn't life threatening, and whilst it comes with it's fair share of challenges it is what it is (my DGC one has Autism and the other an ADHD diagnosis), and it's a very bizarre thing to fall out with your friends over.

The only thing Ann has done is to cut her nose off to spite her face and decreased her circle of support.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 22/02/2025 19:51

You having twins when they have struggled with infertility must be really difficult. I expect that's more the issue than the money. Have you been insensitive do you think?

thedogatethecattreats · 22/02/2025 19:54

Poppyseeds79 · 22/02/2025 19:50

Why is it hard for Ann? Just because Ann and her DH haven't had a windfall via losing her parents and grandparent? Boo hoo Ann 🙄

As for the additional DC life isn't always fair, and they have a healthy child. ADHD isn't life threatening, and whilst it comes with it's fair share of challenges it is what it is (my DGC one has Autism and the other an ADHD diagnosis), and it's a very bizarre thing to fall out with your friends over.

The only thing Ann has done is to cut her nose off to spite her face and decreased her circle of support.

Does it help you in any way to be so mean?

It doesn't matter what you think, Ann is obviously struggling. She's taking a step back, because it's clearly her problem and not making a drama or anything negative about it all. Isn't that the advice posters in similar situation are given on this forum?

Who said she doesn't sympathise about losing parents? It doesn't mean it's easier for people to lose their own parents and not get any inheritance at all. When you see some people go into debts to pay for a funeral they want decent out of respect, it's quite sad. An inheritance is not a negative.

There's no real fallout, they just distance themselves.

It's exactly the right thing to to in this context.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 22/02/2025 19:57

You only know one side of the story @Poppyseeds79 You have no idea what Ann is actually dealing with and ultimately if the friendship isn't working for her then that's her choice.

Heyheyitsanotherday · 22/02/2025 19:58

This is an Ann issue and she needs to give her head a wobble.
I don’t understand why everyone feels bad for her just because you have money and have had more children.
from what I understand Ann hasn’t lost both parents, grandparents and a job she loved.
yes Ann may not be as financially secure, and has sadly struggled to have another child, but that’s not your fault. Everyone’s circumstances are different. Friendship is about supporting each other in good times and bad and clearly Ann has jealousy issues for your good times (even though they are hugely tainted by the loss of people you love). I’d actually maybe have to say something to her. She’s being really unfair. Although I empathise with her situation you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I’m really sorry she’s treating you like this op.

Makemydaypunk · 22/02/2025 19:59

I don’t agree with notion that we are supposed to stay friends with people forever no matter what, it’s the only relationship that is seen as socially unacceptable to ever sever, you can’t demand a friendship if the other person doesn’t want it, if the friendship is not working for Ann she is under no obligation to remain friends with you, if she doesn’t want it to continue that’s her prerogative so I would just accept her decision and leave her be.

Poppyseeds79 · 22/02/2025 20:01

thedogatethecattreats · 22/02/2025 19:54

Does it help you in any way to be so mean?

It doesn't matter what you think, Ann is obviously struggling. She's taking a step back, because it's clearly her problem and not making a drama or anything negative about it all. Isn't that the advice posters in similar situation are given on this forum?

Who said she doesn't sympathise about losing parents? It doesn't mean it's easier for people to lose their own parents and not get any inheritance at all. When you see some people go into debts to pay for a funeral they want decent out of respect, it's quite sad. An inheritance is not a negative.

There's no real fallout, they just distance themselves.

It's exactly the right thing to to in this context.

How am I being so mean? OP literally only found out that Ann has a problem with her via their mutual friend Clare telling both her and her DP that Ann has been slagging them off? Saying that she hates that they're now more well off and 'have it all?!'.

If Ann is happy to go around bad mouthing OP then I'd be quite happy she's distanced herself and she could keep right on trotting herself as far away as she likes.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/02/2025 20:02

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 16:12

I had fertility issues. I needed IVF for my first child. I've had health issues. I've experienced poverty and stresses over it. I've lost family members. I've lost my job, which at the time was worrying and stressful. One of my children has diabetes. One of my friends kids has cerebral palsy. Yes Ann has had a rubbish hand with health and fertility and I've done my best to be there for her too.

What I haven't done is ghosted my friends!

Yes I get why but I'm allowed to feel sad over it. I thought we meant more to each other.

Do you even like her?

Why are you comparing problems?

Having IVF for your first child and going on to have three more is not the same as being infertile.

I’m infertile and have a gorgeous son through adoption.

My heart breaks for those who desperately want to be parents but can’t for whatever reason.

I know I’m extremely lucky.

It sounds like for her struggles you are quick to point out your own suffering. Maybe that’s why she wanted a break.

TheignT · 22/02/2025 20:11

AngelicKaty · 22/02/2025 17:25

@PinkGiraffe1 I'm sorry your cherished friendship seems to have faltered, but it's no fault of yours OP and I'm amazed by some of the unpleasant comments on here. I think your plan of sending "Ann" a birthday card and some flowers is an excellent idea. In fact, I think you should continue to do this every year (and Christmas cards too) whether she contacts you or not so she knows you would still very much like her in your life. It's a way of leaving the door open should she ever have a change of heart. 😊

Sounds like stalking to do it for years.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 22/02/2025 20:11

in terms of money, for ages they were the wealthiest by a long mile

So she was happy to have you as a friend when she had a baby and you worried you couldn't have one. She was happy to have you as a friend when she had more money than you.

Think about that.

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 20:12

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/02/2025 20:02

Do you even like her?

Why are you comparing problems?

Having IVF for your first child and going on to have three more is not the same as being infertile.

I’m infertile and have a gorgeous son through adoption.

My heart breaks for those who desperately want to be parents but can’t for whatever reason.

I know I’m extremely lucky.

It sounds like for her struggles you are quick to point out your own suffering. Maybe that’s why she wanted a break.

I thought this on reflection, why the listing of problems.

Its a sort of like saying well I have problems too so what if Anne has problems.

The reality is right now Anne is in the shits. A temporary struggle with fertility followed by 4 kids isn’t really relevant at this stage.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 22/02/2025 20:16

Tough one but lm team OP. Life isn't fair. It's just one of those things unfortunately. I'm not being dismissive it's just the reality of it all for a lot of people. I have had some of the issues OP and Ann have had e.g. severe fertility issues that meant 4 rounds of IVF, parent dying relatively young, twins, chronic health issue. It's not a competition and everyone has their cross (s) to bear.

In OP shoes then l wouldn't do anything. If Ann wants to sulk, be avoidant and complain to mutual friends that's her choice. Not the best way to handle it. But l wouldn't give it anymore head space. Ann could have worked to improve their financial situation, tried IVF, worked on her emotional maturity to realise OP hadn't had it all handed to her on a plate etc. But doesn't appear to have done that

Millysmum87 · 22/02/2025 20:19

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 22/02/2025 20:02

Do you even like her?

Why are you comparing problems?

Having IVF for your first child and going on to have three more is not the same as being infertile.

I’m infertile and have a gorgeous son through adoption.

My heart breaks for those who desperately want to be parents but can’t for whatever reason.

I know I’m extremely lucky.

It sounds like for her struggles you are quick to point out your own suffering. Maybe that’s why she wanted a break.

Having IVF for your first child and going on to have three more is not the same as being infertile.

Absolutely. I can't believe people are just writing posts about Ann being jealous about the money. 🙈😩

If anything, the IVF/infertility common ground makes things worse for her. OP was likely a daily (or every few days) reminder of how it could and should have been for Ann, and what she dreamed would happen (indeed, all my friends who have gone through IVF have wanted twins so they don't have to go through the ordeal of it again, wouldn't be able to afford it privately anyway and they don't expect to get pregnant ever again!) - yet it all failed for her. There's a difference between struggling when TTC and going on to have not just one but FOUR DC and the finality and hopelessness of infertility. I appreciate she does have one DC but I'm sure secondary infertility has its own pain.

EdithBond · 22/02/2025 20:30

If Ann hasn’t returned your messages, could she feel slighted in some way? Is there anything she could’ve misunderstood or been told by a mutual friend? Or is she wary about spending time with you? For example, could her DH have said he finds you attractive or wishes she’s more like you or something like that? Something she doesn’t want to mention to anyone, so she goes along with them thinking it’s because of your lifestyle.

Just a thought. I still think the most likely explanation is she’s experiencing depression. People often don’t reply to messages when depressed.

ValentineValentineV · 22/02/2025 20:33

I think you should respect her decision not to be your friend any more. She must have decided you aren’t a positive in her life and is happier not seeing you as hard as this is for you.

BettyBardMacDonald · 22/02/2025 20:34

I'll be honest, I distanced myself from a friend of 30 years for this reason.

We were mostly on par throughout our lives, in fact to the outward eye, I may have been the more successful - two university degrees, "professional" job, lots of travel, etc. She lived in a less nice area, had no advanced education and mostly low-level jobs.

She got desperate for a husband, snatched up a man-baby and had a terrible marriage from age 40 to her late 50s. No kids. A few years ago her husband died unexpectedly and she came into his pension and a massive amount of life insurance.

She understandably quit work and per her financial advisor has more than she can possibly spend. She didn't really upgrade her lifestyle, just potters in the garden, walks her dogs and hangs out with her new man. She hasn't been more than 40 miles from home in at least 15 years, has never been abroad, no desire even to go to London. But her constant mention of her newfound wealth is grating.

I have good savings but can't really retire for several years yet because I don't want her lifestyle; I want to travel and enjoy seeing the world. That she "hit the jackpot" simply because she stuck it out in a shitty and abusive marriage, rather than by any efforts of her own, is grating. I worked hard in uni and in my career and to be less well off than someone who never tried and who didn't have the gumption to kick her abusive spouse to the curb is annoying. I leave her to get on with it and we are down to exchanging Christmas cards now, if that.

It may not be rational but it's how I feel. No overtures from her would change that, it would just make things more awkward. So you might want to think twice before badgering Ann.

Evilspiritgin · 22/02/2025 20:40

I feel for Ann, she’s thought she could trust Claire as it’s turned out not, Claire sounds very loose lipped , you also don’t know what Claire has been telling Ann about op

chances are Ann was there during op losses, as it sounds like it’s only in the last few months they’ve gone quite. Op hasn’t said how old the twins are probably only a year or so

AngelicKaty · 22/02/2025 20:40

TheignT · 22/02/2025 20:11

Sounds like stalking to do it for years.

It's pretty distasteful to use the term "stalking" for sending someone you consider to be a friend birthday and Christmas cards - it's hardly terrifying, like stalking is.

CremeEggThief · 22/02/2025 20:42

I think you need to be more sensitive, OP. 🥺
You and DH have everything A and B longed for and now probably can't have, and that's why they're finding it harder to be around you.