Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

It’s not fixable, Anne isn’t going to get over it any time soon and it will always be there between them awkward, looming in the background, it’s done. The op needs to move on, Anne killed it, be it over kids, or money or both, she killed it. And she made her husband do the same, and she told others.

she knows what rhe op has been through, what support she gave her, how much they had together, and she killed it.

if anyone wants to rescue it has to be Anne.

There is something depressingly British about all this. The idea that we should all know our place and never forget where we came from is baked into our culture. Morrissey knew all about this, as per that old song 'We hate it when our friends become successful!'

People are strange about money and this is certainly a 'them' problem, but the pain of infertility is very understandable. Given time 'Ann' may have come around, but it's now likely that a bomb has been detonated under that process.

I would not have confronted the couple about this. The friend who was indiscreet after a few drinks should not have gossiped, but she's been placed in a terrible position. I would doubt that any of these friendships will now be the same

I'm sorry, OP, it's disappointing and these times (especially where money, weddings and funerals are concerned) have a nasty habit of showing who is really there for us in life and who isn't. There's nothing for it but to let them go and move on. Notwithstanding the last hurdle could have been better handled, none of this was your fault.

@PinkGiraffe1 I’ve just realized that Ann’s experience is somewhat similar to my Mum’s-secondary infertility and developing a chronic life-changing illness when I was a child. One difference is that I didn’t have ADHD, but my Dad has suffered from lifelong mental illness that caused significant personal and financial difficulties.

But my Mum didn’t distance herself from her friends, most of whom were more fortunate. I think she realized that doing that wouldn’t make her happy iyswim. Perhaps Ann will also realize that at some point.

@BruFord "But my Mum didn’t distance herself from her friends, most of whom were more fortunate. I think she realized that doing that wouldn’t make her happy iyswim. Perhaps Ann will also realize that"

I'm glad your mum took that approach. Unfortunately, I think our culture has gone the complete opposite way.

How she’s acted because of her jealousy is shitty. OP has been a supportive friend to her, yet she’s ghosted her. No matter how sympathetic and justified you may consider her, her chosen course of action doesn’t speak well of her character.

You did NOTHING wrong op. You just lived your life.

Although not admirable, Ann has a right to distance herself from anyone. If she wasn't feeling the friendship, then she just wasn't feeling it. You're in 2 different places in life.

I feel awful but I distanced myself from a decent person because I just wasn't getting anything out of friendship and we had very different opinions. I was uncomfortable and it felt friendship was superficial. I had hoped we could just drift apart by politely declining invites and letting it peter out (we only saw each other occasionally btw) but she wouldn't seem to take the hint and let me go. I really do feel guilty but the friendship reached a dead end. I still feel guilty to this day.

They can go fuck themselves.

Being around you makes Anne unhappy. Her life is not going well and it makes it harder to cope with to see yours. It's sad for all of you, but friendship should cheer you, uplift you and you should feel better after seeing friends rather than worse. Anne isn't getting that from your friendship so it's in her interests to end it.

You probably have no concept of what their lives are like now with a child with ADHD.

You now have vastly different lives and Anne wants to let go as you've little in common anymore.

That’s incredibly unfair and insensitive. Read the post below yours.

I would be disgusted with the pair of them tbh. They have shown themselves to be shallow (in that they cannot see past your new wealth that you are the same people that have been their friends for years).

It’s incredible what brings out peoples true colours it really is.

I was ditched by a friend this year as I became ill and needed support - like that I had given her over the years. This was apparently inconvenient for her and we are no longer friends.

This.

Its not the way she feels (if this is indeed how she feels) it is the cowardly unkind way she has treated OP because of it.

A simple text to explain her feelings and that she needed time would have done. One message.

I don’t see the point in talking to her about it. Her feelings are her feelings and she needs to process them herself. Some things can’t be rationalised away and perhaps she is not in the right space atm.
things may change over time so if you have the energy, keep checking in until they do/you don’t

This. We have had the exact same situation and we really found our true friends. I would leave them behind and move on. Don't contact her. What would you even say? Her loss.

I also think the twins are probably the reason, but it seems mean to say that so Ann and Ben are using your wealth as the reason.

You must be a better person than many of us then, I admire it. I wish I could be like that. I am indifferent to riches and wealth, but oh boy, am I gripped with awful envy about some things! I feel when it comes on and I distance myself from people I am envious of, because I can't stand the way I am feeling around them.

Completely this.

That's sad op.
If it's about the money, that's awful, but if as pp have suggested its about you having had more kids then that's more understandable and complex.

I hope they'll come around one day. I don't think there's much more you can do.

I'm generally pretty happy for my mates so I do find this attitude difficult to understand, however I've been on the receiving end of this on the rare occasion I've been lucky or successful or whatever!

I agree with those who said it will likely be the twins that are the issue OP, it’s less likely to be your wealth (as long as, as you’ve said, you don’t flaunt it). Many of us have friends that are better off than us and most wouldn’t be that jealous of that, especially if a major part of it had meant the loss of our parents and Grandparents - but you know yourself how painful infertility is and how it can take over your life.

Combined with her disability, the thought of meeting up and you mentioning your young kids might be too much for her at the moment. It’s not at all your fault - but most parents of little ones can’t help talking about their kids fairly often because they take over so much of our lives at this age! I’d try to just keep it more distant and casual for now and hopefully things might change a bit when your kids are older and she’s had more time to grieve not being able to have another child ❤️

And this case Anne is ill and infertile, and the support she needs from the OP is space at least for the moment.

Anne is a SAHM alone dealing with a child with ADHD on top of her own ill health and infertility.

So I can understand on a human level why being around the OP and her 4 neuro typical kids on top of a new house etc might just be too much at the moment.

They sound like a pair of absolute losers. Best to be rid of them.

Jealousy, like all emotions, are not wrong.
How we deal with them can be though and in my opinion, Ann has not dealt with her jealousy in a particularly mature way.

She could have, after what sounds like a very close friendship with OP, just been honest with her and told her she was struggling right now and needs to take a few steps back and will reconnect when she is in a better frame of mind. I’m sure OP would have been understanding.

Instead, she has essentially had a tantrum and is giving OP the silent treatment leaving the OP wondering wtf she did wrong. That’s not ok.

Also, FWIW, it’s perfectly possible to feel upset that your life isn’t going the way you would have liked whilst also being supportive and pleased for your friends.

It sounds like she still has friends, just doesn't want to be friends with the op

Discovering that an assumed “good friend” isn’t as good a friend as we thought they were hurts.

But it doesn’t hurt half as much as finding out that said good friend wasn’t really a friend at all.

If friendship, REAL friendship, means ANYTHING it means “you can count on me”. A true friend will stand beside you in the rain and storm…..AND the sun. A friend will be able to be happy for you whilst dealing with feelings of (understandible) envy. If the ONLY thing she can feel is seething resentment and jealousy…..that person was never your friend OP. Merely a good aquaintance. There is nothing whatsoever wrong in being or having an aquaintance. But that’s all she/they ever were.

I’m so sorry OP. One of life’s truly painful lessons. Let them go.

I think it’s really sad that they’ve let this come between your friendship but that’s on their mindset and nothing to do with you at all. Your true friends should want to see you succeed in life, and it doesn’t matter how you came into money at the end of the day it sounds like jealousy, and jealousy doesn’t get you far in life. Make a call if you feel like it will get some stuff off your chest but don’t apologise or feel any type of way in the wrong, because your not, you are just living your life how you please to.