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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

550 replies

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 13:25

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

OP posts:
feelingalittlehorse · 22/02/2025 17:06

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/02/2025 16:50

In some cases it doesn’t matter how wealthy a friend is or that they have successes where you don’t. In other cases it can just feel like too big of a difference. It doesn’t matter that you had IVF to have your first, it might even make it feel worse. You came from relatively similar backgrounds, both have struggled with fertility, both have struggled through hardships and had similar jobs and lifestyles. Now things have changed. Yes, you struggled with fertility but ultimately things worked out for you and even if your journey to be a parent was hard you now have four children since initially having IVF. Your friend has infertility and hasn’t managed to have that much longer for second child. Your infertility feels very different to hers, because yours was essentially a short term issue which still lead to the children you wanted and hers is permanent issue which has lead to her giving up the dream of more children. On top of this she has also been hit with disability, whilst you have suddenly received an inheritance which means you have a much much better lifestyle than hers. You started at the same place, you lived similar lifestyles and now over the last five years your lifestyle has gotten better whilst hers has stagnated and gotten worse. If she met you now it might not matter but you have a shared history where you have mostly been on the same page and now suddenly you’re ten pages ahead and she can’t help but feel sad and resentful and inferior in comparison. It doesn’t mean she thinks your life is perfect or that your struggles are invalid or don’t matter, but ultimately there is a gulf between you now which means it’s not easy for her to support you because your life is just reminding her of the things she doesn’t have and I guess it seems like you’re ‘lucky’ that despite infertility and bereavement you have ended up with more children and an impressive lifestyle, it sounds like she’s suffered the same thing but didn’t have any positive outcomes to draw on and so it will be hard to recognise those events were still just as painful for you as they were for her, especially with the infertility which is something of the past for you but something she will be living with the consequence of forever.

This is an exceptionally sensible post, who wrote what I wanted to say very well and I suspect has hit the nail on the head.

harlacem0507 · 22/02/2025 17:07

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 17:05

The OP hasn’t been “wrongly done”. Her friend who is 1)infertile and 2) disabled is struggling with the disparity in their lives.

It not good advice to tell her she is jealous and bitter.

She has a child, she's wasn't infertile, she knows the joy of being a mother, my sympathy would be for someone that has never experienced that. She clearly wants everything the OP has and is indeed jealous.

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 17:07

Screamingabdabz · 22/02/2025 16:55

I’m late to the thread but it’s actually so hard to see friends who started out the same as you suddenly win the lottery of life and you’re left behind in the shit. By ghosting you they are protecting themselves from the constant feeling of inadequacy and jealousy.

It’s not malicious. It’s entirely about self preservation. I would just move on and leave them to it.

Agreed. She’s not being a dick or out to get the OP. She’s just struggling.

The woman’s life is - SAHM to one child with ADHD, mobility issues and can’t have more kids.

She’s likely depressed.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 22/02/2025 17:08

Whotenanny · 22/02/2025 16:34

You can have feelings, just keep them private.

They did!

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 17:09

harlacem0507 · 22/02/2025 17:07

She has a child, she's wasn't infertile, she knows the joy of being a mother, my sympathy would be for someone that has never experienced that. She clearly wants everything the OP has and is indeed jealous.

People are allowed to want more than one child. It’s perfectly normal. Often it’s compounded by people wanting a sibling for their one child.

The woman is struggling have some empathy.

PinkGiraffe1 · 22/02/2025 17:11

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/02/2025 16:50

In some cases it doesn’t matter how wealthy a friend is or that they have successes where you don’t. In other cases it can just feel like too big of a difference. It doesn’t matter that you had IVF to have your first, it might even make it feel worse. You came from relatively similar backgrounds, both have struggled with fertility, both have struggled through hardships and had similar jobs and lifestyles. Now things have changed. Yes, you struggled with fertility but ultimately things worked out for you and even if your journey to be a parent was hard you now have four children since initially having IVF. Your friend has infertility and hasn’t managed to have that much longer for second child. Your infertility feels very different to hers, because yours was essentially a short term issue which still lead to the children you wanted and hers is permanent issue which has lead to her giving up the dream of more children. On top of this she has also been hit with disability, whilst you have suddenly received an inheritance which means you have a much much better lifestyle than hers. You started at the same place, you lived similar lifestyles and now over the last five years your lifestyle has gotten better whilst hers has stagnated and gotten worse. If she met you now it might not matter but you have a shared history where you have mostly been on the same page and now suddenly you’re ten pages ahead and she can’t help but feel sad and resentful and inferior in comparison. It doesn’t mean she thinks your life is perfect or that your struggles are invalid or don’t matter, but ultimately there is a gulf between you now which means it’s not easy for her to support you because your life is just reminding her of the things she doesn’t have and I guess it seems like you’re ‘lucky’ that despite infertility and bereavement you have ended up with more children and an impressive lifestyle, it sounds like she’s suffered the same thing but didn’t have any positive outcomes to draw on and so it will be hard to recognise those events were still just as painful for you as they were for her, especially with the infertility which is something of the past for you but something she will be living with the consequence of forever.

This post has resonated so much with me. Thank you.

I knew all of this really but seeing it has hit me.

My head aches with everything but I appreciate everyone who has given insight and offered advice.

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 22/02/2025 17:15

You haven't done anything wrong op but other would disagree that you haven't been flashy. You listed a new house, clothes, trips, and nights out. That's quite a lot. Of course, your entitled to do all those things. I know people who have inherited money but have zero visible spending increases.

It's sounds like both of you have had bad fortune recently, with her not having any good fortune.

ButIToldYouSoooo · 22/02/2025 17:20

Ann is choosing to be friendless by her constant comparisons to others. It's a sad way to live. There's not much you can do.

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 17:25

Bigcat25 · 22/02/2025 17:15

You haven't done anything wrong op but other would disagree that you haven't been flashy. You listed a new house, clothes, trips, and nights out. That's quite a lot. Of course, your entitled to do all those things. I know people who have inherited money but have zero visible spending increases.

It's sounds like both of you have had bad fortune recently, with her not having any good fortune.

That’s not flashy, it’s just living. So what if you know people with money who hide it away.

AngelicKaty · 22/02/2025 17:25

@PinkGiraffe1 I'm sorry your cherished friendship seems to have faltered, but it's no fault of yours OP and I'm amazed by some of the unpleasant comments on here. I think your plan of sending "Ann" a birthday card and some flowers is an excellent idea. In fact, I think you should continue to do this every year (and Christmas cards too) whether she contacts you or not so she knows you would still very much like her in your life. It's a way of leaving the door open should she ever have a change of heart. 😊

WolfFoxHare · 22/02/2025 17:28

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, and while they clearly are being a bit unreasonable, I don’t think it’s difficult to understand why they feel like that. Often you see posters on MN advising OPs to step back from a relationship that’s causing them pain and that’s what they’ve done.

We had secondary infertility and while I didn’t cut any friends out of my life when they got pregnant for a second or subsequent time, I did tend to distance myself a little during their pregnancy just for my own mental health. Not so much any more but definitely when it was still a raw wound. So I get it.

Supersimkin7 · 22/02/2025 17:29

It’s up to them.

Of course it’s wildly depressing being surrounded by people with buckets of kids and money when you’re skint and infertile.

Respect their sadness.

BigHeadBertha · 22/02/2025 17:32

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 15:12

I’d maybe read the op fully if I was you, before telling everyone erroneously what to bear in mind 😂

I'd maybe read the OP fully yourself, before telling everyone erroneously how rude and foolish you can be. 😂

Orangeandgold · 22/02/2025 17:34

I think it tells you a lot about their character and them as people. It’s a shame when friendships become conditional and when jealously comes in.

I say this has someone that had had very low lows and a few high highs - it’s sad when people only want to be friends with you when you are low or “like them”. I do have friends that are much wealthier than me - but I always see their human side first, nd the fact that they see money over the friendship leads me to advise you to leave it. If that’s how they feel there isn’t much you can do - maybe one day something will click.

Christmasbear1 · 22/02/2025 17:34

Lots of people have lost loved one but don't get an inheritance. When you say you haven't been flashy, how does she know you have all these inheritances? You must've told her. You shouldn't reveal these things to anyone, people get jealous. Also you have had infertility but you have 4 kids now and she only has one. Doesn't matter what people have gone through before. You're not 'in' it any more.

Genevieva · 22/02/2025 17:35

Ben will tell Ann. Next time there is an excuse ( like a birthday) send her a lovely card and a nice buy not flashy bunch of flowers or a good moisturiser. Wish her well and tell her you miss her company, that she’s fun / kind / thoughtful (whatever it is you like about her). I suspect the lack of a larger family is the most painful factor -far more than the money.

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 17:45

Supersimkin7 · 22/02/2025 17:29

It’s up to them.

Of course it’s wildly depressing being surrounded by people with buckets of kids and money when you’re skint and infertile.

Respect their sadness.

I hate that people on this thread keep throwing out “oh she’s jealous” like it’s an unforgivable sin.

The woman is trying to deal with secondary infertility and a disability. It could also be described as grief.

I found it hard being around pregnant people at a certain point in my life so I took a subtle step back. I didn’t cut contact but I did plead being particularly busy for a period because I found it v difficult to be around.

Goldbar · 22/02/2025 17:46

I'm not sure exactly what you want from them tbh. You had a lovely friendship, yes, but circumstances change and they're not currently in a place to give you what you presumably want, which is pleasant, undemanding company and friendship. Nor do I suppose you really want the alternative, which is for them to unburden all their woes onto your shoulders and look to you for emotional support. Presumably with four of your own, you're not up for babysitting their challenging older child, and it may be awkward and stressful for them supervising their DC around other, younger children. If a poster complained about a friend's child being boisterous or damaging their house, for example, the advice they'd be given would be to distance themselves from the friendship for a while. In short, you're just in completely different places.

Bigcat25 · 22/02/2025 17:49

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 17:25

That’s not flashy, it’s just living. So what if you know people with money who hide it away.

You're right. I'm sorry op, I posted without reading all your messages which was dumb. You've been throught a lot, we only have one precious life and we should enjoy it.

I also find the practise of ghosting incredibly damaging and cowardly when the recipient has done nothing wrong. (And it's sometimes encouraged on this site.) If Ann needs to take a step back or end things, she could send you a short message and be clear about it. Sounds like she's pushed a lot of people away.

EmeraldRoulette · 22/02/2025 17:51

@PinkGiraffe1 hi there. Just to say, I really feel for you.
I haven't read the whole thread but it's quite telling that it's such a long thread.

I had never even thought about people being jealous really until I joined MN. It has since made me realise. That it might be a factor in why I've lost some people as well.

It is very sad, to me, that people can't be happy for friends, or that people don't seem to understand that we all go through different unpleasant things. But I do feel I've been very naive. Also, as some posters have said, it seems that some unpleasant things get all the sympathy. And many of us go through things without discussing them, so it's ridiculous to make it a competition

I suppose things like articles doing down celebrities etc wouldn't be so massively popular if a lot of people weren't just kind of bitter and twisted generally.

It's a horrible lesson to have to learn in any circumstances.

By the way, I would not send flowers or anything on Ann's birthday. It seems to me that they will not be well received. And I think it's probably better for you to move on to be honest. But here's some virtual 💐 for you.

TwoRobins · 22/02/2025 17:53

Turnups · 22/02/2025 15:04

Perhaps you could try talking or writing to Ann and telling her how much you miss her friendship, you know you’ve been very lucky in life but you haven’t got any friends whose company you enjoy as much, etc. etc. She’s feeling inferior and needs to know you still value her.

I think this is a good idea if you would like to try to rescue the relationship.

LettersOfTheAlphabet · 22/02/2025 17:55

Bigcat25 · 22/02/2025 17:49

You're right. I'm sorry op, I posted without reading all your messages which was dumb. You've been throught a lot, we only have one precious life and we should enjoy it.

I also find the practise of ghosting incredibly damaging and cowardly when the recipient has done nothing wrong. (And it's sometimes encouraged on this site.) If Ann needs to take a step back or end things, she could send you a short message and be clear about it. Sounds like she's pushed a lot of people away.

Edited

Whilst you are right of course, in reality I'd imagine Ann is embarrassed/ashamed of feeling so envious that she can no longer bear to continue the friendship. It would be hard thing for many people to admit.

snoopsy · 22/02/2025 17:57

ADHD is hereditary. Whoever of Ben or Ann are the gene carrier is suffering from feeling inadequate. I am guessing Ann.

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 17:57

the7Vabo · 22/02/2025 17:45

I hate that people on this thread keep throwing out “oh she’s jealous” like it’s an unforgivable sin.

The woman is trying to deal with secondary infertility and a disability. It could also be described as grief.

I found it hard being around pregnant people at a certain point in my life so I took a subtle step back. I didn’t cut contact but I did plead being particularly busy for a period because I found it v difficult to be around.

I find jealousy when you let it impact those who have been nothing but kind to you is unforgivable.

Duggeewoof · 22/02/2025 17:59

Tulipsandaffodils · 22/02/2025 16:38

Op,you’ve not been boastful or smug. The fact some posters are jealous is a tnem issue.

dont reach out to anne, dont send her flowers, dont be a beg a friend. She’s made her feelings clear. Accept it and move on. She isn’t your friend, and she was quite happy to be when she was the richer one.

and you likely should have clarified in your op that Anne and her husband are relatively wealthy to the extent she could give up work easily. And that for a long time, they were they wealthy ones in the group.

I agree with all of this. Anne and Ben smack of jealousy. Do you really want them in your life after all this anyway?