Our friends have distanced themselves from us and we've just found out why!

[PinkGiraffe1]

Me and DH have been friends with Ann and Ben (not real names) for over 15 years. We're all late 30s now.

Ben and I worked together and introduced our partners early on as we all got on really well. We've been to each other's weddings, been on holiday, lots of day trips. Probably spoke every few days etc. We've been there for new jobs, kids, etc. Helped move house and been there when we've lost parents/grandparents. You get the gist.

We all come from working class backgrounds and pre covid, we had fairly similar lives (in the sense of jobs, homes, holidays, money, lifestyle etc)

Ann got pregnant mid 20s (not planned) and wanted to be traditional so they got married and about 6 months after their son was born, they bought a house near to where she was raised (about 90 mins from us).

Ann & Ben were the first amongst our friends to have children/mortgage/marriage etc. The rest of us followed suit about 5-10 years later. During that time Ann told me she felt quite lonely and isolated from other friends. Then just before Covid her son was diagnosed with ADHD. They also had fertility issues and about a year ago she gave up trying for a second. She's also had health issues which has affected her mobility. Bar me and my DH, she doesn't have anyone else (except her DH and DS). Her words.

Pre covid me and DH had a very average lifestyle - both worked, had 2 kids, 3-bed semi house, holiday once a year etc

During Covid everything changed. I lost both my parents and my last remaining grandparent. Long story short, I inherited a lot of money.

I also got made redundant from a job I'd had for nearly 15 years. I then went freelance and due to the nature of my work (helping small businesses get online) it just took off and has been incredibly lucrative. My husband's boss got fired and he took over being Head of his Department. So he had a huge pay rise.

Between the inheritance, redundancy and new jobs, we've got a lot more money. Most of it has been spent on a bigger house, and yes, we've enjoyed extra holidays, nights out, nicer clothes etc. We've also had 2 more children (twins). We know we're incredibly lucky and we very much try to be humble and unflashy. We don't post on social media and the rest of our friends/family say we're still the same.

However Ann and Ben have been distant with us. They've turned down our invites, not invited us over. Taken ages to reply on WhatsApp (or not at all). We've both asked each of them if everything is okay or if we've done something to cause upset but they say no, they're just busy.

However last week at a mutual friends party (A&B weren't there), Clare, who was a bit drunk) told us that A & B are avoiding us because of our lifestyles and new found wealth. They said they hate that we apparently have it all and they don't. They feel poor and rubbish compared to us.

I was floored. My DH said he didn't believe it. Said its been a misunderstanding. So he called Ben the next day and gently explained what had been said. We expected denials but he confirmed it. He was rather sheepish and apologetic about it but said he had to stand by Ann.

I feel so upset. I don't know whether to speak to Ann or leave it.

Wwyd? I'm so upset as I thought we were close. She knows how devasted and low I was at losing my parents and grandparent. She also knew how much I loved my job. I feel so sad right now.

She’s going through stuff you are aware of.

Dealing with having to accept not having a second child around someone who has twins as essentially bonus babies would be incredibly difficult.

And the one child she was able to have has struggles.

I think all you can do is try to understand, not make it about you, and ignore your DH on this topic.

It sounds like Ann may have clinical depression. Especially if shes a SAHM who doesn’t have many friends and is now shutting out the ones she does have. This won’t end well if her husband doesn't recognise that this behaviour isn't healthy! Unfortunately, theres nothing you can do except be available for her when she eventually (hopefully) gets help.

Do read the many other posts saying similar

i’n not diminishing anything. But ‘devastating loss’ is usually not how people describe losing parents/ grandparents in our later 30s. Hard as hell - yes, comes to us all, yes, sadly

I have had many friends over the years, and some sadly are not forever, life changes, circumstances change, jealousy can creep in. Just leave it in the past and be grateful for the good times you have shared.

I've had a similar experience. Friend has definitely distanced herself but hasn't said why. I have suspected that it is because I have been on some very nice holidays recently because on the rare occasions we are in contact with each other, she always tells me how she wants to go on holiday but can't afford it.

What she doesn't recognise thought is that she runs an expensive car, whereas I don't have one, and she goes on a lot of expensive days out and goes to fancy restaurants, whereas I mostly stay at home. In other words, if she lived my lifestyle, she would be able to afford the nice holidays.

People are so strange!

Maybe private was the wrong word to use here. Their jealousy of OP's life has lead to Ann taking the action of no longer wanting to a friend.

I know friends come and go, but not a close friend and it shouldn't be because of circumstances beyond OP's control. I know people are funny about children when they can't have them, but about all the other financial stuff, man alive. What a thing to abandon your friendship over.

Not the same but I lost a group of friends when I got a reasonable job and lost some weight. Some people only like you because you play a role for them (unsuccessful friend, fat friend etc etc) and can’t have that you’re a 3 dimensional person. I guess Ann was used to being the wealthy friend who didn’t have to work and it might be impossible for her to see you making a success of your business whilst raising 4 dc. I’m very happy for my friends when they do well, I don’t think you can be a good friend and then resent your friends when they do well.

I don't think it's much to do with money tbh.

I had a friend with unexplained infertility. I had two pregnancies in very quick succession and conceived pretty much as soon as I got married. I dreaded telling her after years of heartache and unsuccessful IVF as I knew she's quickly so the maths from my due date. I just saw her distancing herself from me as her way of protecting her heart, as sad as it was and is.

It must especially be a sucker punch to the heart to see someone have not one healthy child but two in one go. I feel for her although it's shit for you and your DH.

I know your happiness doesn't take away from/have anything to do with hers (and I like to think I would have this view but maybe I wouldn't) but it must be hard for her to see, all the same.

Having said this, I'd write a letter perhaps to try to reconnect with them explaining how much we miss their friendship but I wouldn't push it beyond that.

I think you have missed the point of my post.

Tell me.

Since when did money give you good friends, companionship and a good support network?

It doesn't.

Anne's finances aren't the real issue in my opinion, it is the fertility issues, the twins, the health issues and maybe finances on top or maybe it is easier to just say our circumstances are different so it doesn't work for us any more.

I've got nothing to be jealous of, I've got 4 healthy kids, I'm in good health and we have a nice house and plenty of money in the bank. I think people, not everyone but some, are being really nasty about a woman they don't know. The OP can't force Ann to continue the friendship so she just has to move on.

You don’t need to apologize for being in a better position. It isn’t something you need to justify either.

You know why she’s acting as she is. You have what she wants and she doesn’t want to be around you because of it. Her feelings may be ‘natural’ but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t negative ones, or that her choosing to allow them to rule her speaks well of her character or value as a friend to you.

You’ve made overtures, so I would just leave it now. Don’t fawn.

This.

I’ve never suffered from infertility, but I 100% know myself well enough to know that to cope I would have to put distance between myself and pregnant friends.

And I see it as something I would have to do to survive.

Maybe the thing that matters most for Anne is you now having four children while Anne longed for a second child. Would that make her need to step back more bearable for you?
I know it's upsetting that you no longer have that closeness, but you can't make someone be your friend if they don't want to, and Anne is being very clear that she doesn't want to, at least at the moment. Leave it now.

I agree it is very unusual. Most houses are nowhere near worth £1 million for a start.

In some cases it doesn’t matter how wealthy a friend is or that they have successes where you don’t. In other cases it can just feel like too big of a difference. It doesn’t matter that you had IVF to have your first, it might even make it feel worse. You came from relatively similar backgrounds, both have struggled with fertility, both have struggled through hardships and had similar jobs and lifestyles. Now things have changed. Yes, you struggled with fertility but ultimately things worked out for you and even if your journey to be a parent was hard you now have four children since initially having IVF. Your friend has infertility and hasn’t managed to have that much longer for second child. Your infertility feels very different to hers, because yours was essentially a short term issue which still lead to the children you wanted and hers is permanent issue which has lead to her giving up the dream of more children. On top of this she has also been hit with disability, whilst you have suddenly received an inheritance which means you have a much much better lifestyle than hers. You started at the same place, you lived similar lifestyles and now over the last five years your lifestyle has gotten better whilst hers has stagnated and gotten worse. If she met you now it might not matter but you have a shared history where you have mostly been on the same page and now suddenly you’re ten pages ahead and she can’t help but feel sad and resentful and inferior in comparison. It doesn’t mean she thinks your life is perfect or that your struggles are invalid or don’t matter, but ultimately there is a gulf between you now which means it’s not easy for her to support you because your life is just reminding her of the things she doesn’t have and I guess it seems like you’re ‘lucky’ that despite infertility and bereavement you have ended up with more children and an impressive lifestyle, it sounds like she’s suffered the same thing but didn’t have any positive outcomes to draw on and so it will be hard to recognise those events were still just as painful for you as they were for her, especially with the infertility which is something of the past for you but something she will be living with the consequence of forever.

Yes you are right. People not relating is probably the biggest reason for isolation.

Well funny enough… she isn’t relying on her family money at all apart from maybe flat deposit/ when she was getting divorced, she works a normal job etc. If you met her in daily life you’d have no idea, she lives like everyone else that’s a youngish white-collar worker.

It’s more about what’s ‘normal’ for her in terms of having potential dates background checked, or some of the people she casually knows that may come up in conversation. I feel like people see her last name, put it through google and judge her without knowing her/ can’t imagine being her friend. She’s registered the kids under their dad’s name for that reason for example.

Anyway, off topic. But sorry, I don’t want to have to change my friends when I’m suddenly better/ worse off. ‘Lifestyle friends’ aren’t necessarily real friends IMO. They can be, but ‘let’s be friends because we both have wealthy husbands’ never comes across genuine to me. Unfortunately it’s a must sometimes because sometimes those people can relate to you best.

This is well put.

It feels a bit like OP you are listing the bad things that have happened to you in life as a bit of a “so what” about Ann.

You’ve ended up in two different places not only did you have second child you had two
more.

Everyone is giving you sensible advice and to be the bigger person but I don't and can't work like that if I feel wrongly done. I wouldn't text an abusive message by any means but id certainly state how upset I was and how disappointed I was in their behaviour and point out I had lost 3 close family members to have this money so it's been far from brilliant. Jealously and bitterness is so so ugly. Point that out too and wash your hands of them.

I’m late to the thread but it’s actually so hard to see friends who started out the same as you suddenly win the lottery of life and you’re left behind in the shit. By ghosting you they are protecting themselves from the constant feeling of inadequacy and jealousy.

It’s not malicious. It’s entirely about self preservation. I would just move on and leave them to it.

@ElleintheWoods A deposit, a safety net, knowing she will inherit, these all make a massive difference to your life.

This is a big part of it.

Not only have you "won" the work/cash lottery, but they desperately want more children and you were "gifted" twins.

We have natural boy/girl twins. By absolute fluke, nothing runs in the family. We have, over the years, been treated very frostily by people who seem to think we had a choice in "getting one of each" and are jealous of their own family situation. There is a lot of contempt for something we had literally no control over.

It's not your fault, but I totally understand their feelings, and you can't do anything about it.

Her jealousy is currently greater than her friendship for you. I don’t suppose it’s making her happy but she can’t/ won’t change things. Birthday flowers are a kind idea but I think this friendship is dead in the water. It happens.

Of course it is, and so many people don't understand how much.

The OP hasn’t been “wrongly done”. Her friend who is 1)infertile and 2) disabled is struggling with the disparity in their lives.

It not good advice to tell her she is jealous and bitter.

Secondary infertility vs twins would be enough reason alone to cool it off tbh.
They don't sound like bad people but through no fault of your own your current lifestyle makes them feel bad - it's okay for them to need distance.

I wouldn't call but maybe message that you miss them and if they ever are up for meeting up to reach out to you and leave it at that.