High earner partner moved in - CB lost

[WhoevenamIinlife]

Hi everyone just looking for perspectives.
My partner has been living with me covering 50% of bills and rent since day one. Recently has moved to a higher wage bracket which means I am no longer entitled to CB for my children (2 not his).
we initially agreed I would keep the CB and he would pay back the tax bill which I thought was fair as I lost out on other things too ie childcare, single discount council tax and also the fact we have separate finances and it wasn't one pot.
He has since raised it with me after paying the tax bill saying it wasn't fair and he would rather just give me that money for the kids without going through HMRC and thinks I should be more flexible as he pays more when we go out etc, household big shops and he does pay/contribute more which cancels out the CB and was quite offended when I said no I prefer it like this because this is not YOU giving me money this is the CB coming directly to me taking away anyone else's power over it. I have told him when we buy together in future and split bills percentage wise I will just stop the CB as it's no longer needed as we run the household together. Just for clarity partners income is just over 3 x mine but will cover huge costs ie a family trip for 5 abroad all his costs, household repairs. Because I have been financially stung before am I being too overly cautious resulting in being greedy?

AIBU?

I'm struggling to see how it could affect you, OP. If you're earning and paying NI, you don't need the CB for pension reasons. If he's giving you the money, you're no worse off financially. If he's paying towards all the bills etc, you're better off than not living together. If you split, you can claim CB again. I think you're overthinking this one x

If you own the house you should think about putting a Cohabitation Agreement in place. Otherwise you may get stung again if you split and he brings a TOLATA claim!

I wasn't really referring to the children/CB element here, more the fact that going forward if the worst did happen then OP would have more rights for herself financially e.g. maintenance from a much higher earner.

Of course whether this is worth doing depends on a number of other factors like the equity the OP has in her house - if it's almost paid off, then probably won't be worth it. But if her assets in the house is only a few thousand so far, then it would be worth it.

You can claim and not take the money.

Id be running for the hills if i was him.

It's so interesting to know the other perspective. Can I ask why? The CB part of just everything I've described?

I agree with him - you’ve gained more than £150 by living with him and having that in cash (if you’re after financial privacy ) is a perfectly reasonable solution.

Some of the other things you think you’ve lost are also unreasonable. 25% single person discount means that you were paying 75% on your own but now you’re paying 50% because you have a partner. He’s also paying more than his share of food and utilities because of the kids.

The unbiased perspectives in a situation like this is so useful to help understand the other parties position. I want to be fair and equal but also protect myself and I thought what we were doing is fair especially as partner never suggested anything else but now that he has, I need to understand his position rather than get defensive and be selfish due to previous experiences.

Hes paying more than his share plus paying for kids that aren't his.
And you sound like you want an atm machine.
All this over the loss of a benefit.
Ask the real dad to support his kids.

Does your children's father pay child maintenance?
It seems very generous of your partner to 'keep them' when you're not married.

He's paying towards a house for 3 people (you and the 2 DCs) who aren't legally his responsibility.

His 'only' absolute responsibility is 50% of costs for the use of your house and 50% of the costs of the child you have together.

He's being a bit silly IMO because he's contributing towards your mortgage yet isn't going to get anything back should you split up.

If this was the other way round (woman living in a man's house and paying 'rent' effectively) the posts would be very different.

Assuming from your post that 'owns' the house means he is not a joint owner on the mortgage/deeds.

What happens to him if you split up?
He's effectively renting from you but without the legal protection of a tenant.

He pays for half of all the bills and also pays for larger expenses like holidays. The OP isn’t losing out financially and is financially up since he moved in.

He’s in quite a weak position cos he’d have no claim on the house if your relationship failed. TBH I think he sounds generous. Especially if the 2 DCs’ father is a financial deadbeat and he’s picking up the slack. If he were my son I’d be a bit worried about his housing situation/security tbh. But if you were my daughter I’d be advising you that he’s terrific and a keeper (although don’t marry).

Well the real dad does support the kids. The CB I was entitled to before partner came. With partner the food shop has doubled as he does special food prep, utilities higher and extras such as sky, Netflix as partner wants these. The way I saw it partner is saving money by living with me as when he was on his own his costs were double what he is contributing now because my mortgage is really low, but I'm CB down, which I started saving for the kids.

I don't want an ATM machine, I make enough and ran my house before he came along just fine if not the same. The contribution percentage was offered by him to feel like he wasn't what MN refer to as a cocklodger as that's important him.

I don't see myself money orienatated nor someone who would take advantage of someone else, especially been in that position before. So just really useful to know how it comes across to others when in my eyes it's just boundaries and doing the right thing is being done.

I'd say we both financially benefit from being together as my running costs are low in the house and he is saving almost half of when he was privately renting leaving him with more disposable income - which I guess it's why he does more gestures because he can and wants to feel like the main breadwinner.

I understand that but he was in no position to buy before he moved in (no savings) and he has since started saving as his running costs are half when he was private renting so it's a. Win win for him. He's not financially worse off with me.

I'm a bit surprised you see it like this.

He'd still be paying for food if he lived alone, so it doesn't tally that 1 person doubles the food bill of 4 others (3 children and you) unless he's buying caviar that only he eats.

Likewise, the subs for entertainment, he'd be paying that for himself and you're all benefiting. If only he uses those, he should pay 100% of those costs.

Why is he so blase about his position if you split up?

He won't get anything back for his payments to you (covering the mortgage) so he's living very precariously.

Is he saving each month?

How old is he?

If you split how would he find a deposit for a home of his own?

YABU.

He’s paying half of the bills and you’ve said he pays for holidays for your children that aren’t even his.

Edited- saw your reply to the PP about his savings etc.

I still think he's overpaying for what he's getting.

He's paying for you and your 2 children, and 1 of his.

As a couple you aren't eligible for all CB.

You need to suck that up not expect him to pay you it.

That's a nonsense.

If you're insecure about not having 'that money' for your children, what does it say about your relationship with him?

You are making him do unnecessary paperwork. That is ridiculous. Life is busy enough with admin stuff without doing stuff due to your stupid pride/ stubbornness or whatever it is.

My DH’s friend moved in with a woman in a similar situation. He seemed to be very happy to pay for their nice house and food etc for her children, but she seemed to hold it against him somehow she had lost benefits because of his high income. They’ve broken up now but it sounded like she was quite bitter about the ‘lost’ benefits money when actually he seemed to be quite generous. (I only have his perspective, maybe there’s more to it)

Goldigger or money grabber comes to mind.

Are you working OP? If not then I would advise to keep it through HMRC, but opt not to be paid it (there’s a button on there) so you still get the national insurance credits towards the likes of your state pension but not actually receive the money from HMRC. Then your partner can pay you what you are no longer receiving. If you are working, then yes you could cancel it and have him just pay you the same amount to save the faff every April. If he’s earning over 100k though he has to do a SATR anyways though so you could just keep claiming it and he should just save it towards the year end bill he know he will get for it, it’s effectively the same thing he’s just making the payment annually and you’re receiving it monthly. They have just changed the cliff edge cut off from 50k to a marginal one between 60-80k for child benefit so if he earns between 60-80k it will still be worth claiming and he will I’ll only repay some and only have to repay it all once earning 80+k. If he didn’t agree to a standing order to you monthly for the amount, I wouldn’t agree to it. Nothing worse than having to nag or beg someone for money on a handshake agreement. Hope this helps.

But you’re not actually worse off with him either even though you technically are down child benefit.
Take the rent he’s paying you and put it in the same account you were putting the child benefit into. He’s probably paying more than £150 in rent anyway.

It’s like you think you should have all the benefits of him being there like him paying for your kids, splitting the bills, treating you all, but continue to have the single council tax discount and your previous CB on top.

Just for clarity partners income is just over 3 x mine but will cover huge costs ie a family trip for 5 abroad all his costs, household repairs. Because I have been financially stung before am I being too overly cautious resulting in being greedy?

Yes, in a word.

Greedy comes to mind.

If this is what it reads like, your partner is paying for a family holiday abroad and (all?) household repairs, as well as paying you rent and 50-50 on bills etc.

Why do you accept this? It seems very unfair. He's the one being stung from where I'm sitting.

Why aren't you going 50-50 on the holiday and repairs to the house that you own?

The fact he earns more isn't really the point. Your outgoings, holidays and household repairs should be 50-50, or even 40-60 because 2 of the children aren't his.

As a PP said I'd be very worried if my son was in this set up. No security if you split and paying for so much at the moment.