Volunteering got complicated …..

[MellowTiger]

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on

Your DH doesn't get to decide what you do.

I would stop volunteering with these people and would probably leave him.

I'm not sure I would be complying with any sort of sanctions for a voluntary role either! Take your volunteering time and go elsewhere.

There is no way I would attend a panel meeting as a volunteer! What ‘sanctions’ would they be able to possibly impose on you as a volunteer?! I’d send an email explaining in full what has happened and then quit. Walk away with your head held high. Nobody needs this crap in their lives when you have been giving them your time for free.

Have t read the full thread but I used to be Head of HR for a national charity.

Volunteering is not the same as employment. There is no right to volunteer. She can be removed from the Charity.

If you are going to be sanctioned as a volunteer for a charity then I really think it is time to stop volunteering for them. If the charity folds then the management have only themselves to blame.

Unfortunately OP you should have gone to the charity members and explained.

You didn't and you are where you are.

Fully withdraw and tell your husband to fxxk off blaming you.

What a pity you have chosen to remain with such a piece of shit.

Tell the charity that the OW's abuse of you and your husbands inappropriate behaviour with this woman, means you have no further wish to be involved.

Your husband is a sleazy cheat, remember that.

Ditch tbe charity, ditch the husband, and get yourself some happiness. Both sound awful.

If people noticed, and commented on her behaviour towards you during online sessions, then it stands to reason that they would have noticed these at any F2F meetings. I don't think you did anything wrong asking her not to attend. Why should you have to be made to feel awkward and uncomfortable in a meeting, which she had no actual need to attend. I'm sure if the charity know the reasoning behind your request they'll see things in a different light.

if you leaving means the charity ceases, I cannot really see how you being sanctioned is going to help the charity. I think I'd just leave the charity, and I'd definitely be leaving that husband of yours too. He's a fine one telling you to stay, he's responsible for his part in this situation. If he was on about moving in with her, he didn't consider you did he?

Are you sure they're not still carrying on? It seems keeping you distracted by this charity gives him free time to be dallying where he shouldn't.

This is excellent advice OP

I think this is unfair. My understanding is that the OP continued to attend meetings with the OW despite knowing about the affair but the OW’s behaviour towards her was such that other people commented.
She didn’t ask her not to attend because of the affair- she asked her not to attend because of her behaviour.

It also sounds as though OP has a much more senior and essential role in the Charity than the OW. I don’t actually think it is unacceptable to pull someone up on inappropriate relationships in the workplace whether voluntary work or not.

You haven’t done anything wrong.

You challenged a woman who was being verbally abusive/disruptive and threatened to invoke a formal process against her. Entirely appropriate and reasonable.

In your position I’d contact the charity board and say:

Over the past [X months], I have endured verbal and emotional abuse from X. Your decision to classify my warning to her that her continued behavior would lead to formal escalation has made my position at Y Charity untenable. I am deeply disappointed in your decision which both fails both to acknowledge the sustained abuse I have suffered and that signposting X to the charity’s formal complaint procedure was entirely appropriate and reasonable. As a result, I will be stepping down from my role.

then I’d leave them all to it, along with my husband.

Your husband has got you tied in knots. He can mess around on the side and still tell you how to live your life and you place the blame on another woman. He is manipulating both of you. He is not a catch. You can both do better.

You thought you could manage the situation without putting her through a formal grievance process. You were wrong. Go to the meeting. Tell them clearly what you have said here and that you expect the organisation to protect you from the misuse of the grievance process to continue and escalate her campaign against you. Also make it clear that you are concerned that the continuation of her current attitude makes your future involvement with the charity untenable and you will need to think long and hard about whether you can stay. As a volunteer you deserve to be treated with just as much courtesy as an employee.

Your story keeps changing. In the original post you said :

"started to be awkward with me in online meetings"

Then there was the F2F meeting upcoming, so you text her.

Now you are saying she was:

"She has been verbally attacking me, "

You never said that before. What exactly did she say to you, pre the text?

Dump the lot of them and move on with you’re life

You had no right to request this woman not to attend the meeting. Your DH is more to blame than her. You are taking revenge on the wrong person. Leave the charity. It's dead in the water. The three of you sound like hardwork.

This. I don't think you were wrong to be angry at her, but he should be the one getting kicked out of the charity. He is the one you have a relationship with.

Plus, why are you staying with a cheater? He'll do it again.

You haven’t done anything wrong, MN just loves to support the OW in the name of feminism whilst ignoring that a woman (affair partner) chose to do this to another woman (you) as well as the man being a shit head.

Some posters are ignoring the fact that she was being unpleasant towards you so you said you would take it further within the organisation.

If you want to continue volunteering, I’d go to the meeting and lay it all out on the table. You don’t have to let the whole organisation know what’s happened. What sort of sanction can they give you as a volunteer anyway?

If you don’t want to continue, send an email stepping down and stating very simply that this is due to your DH’s affair with X and the resulting uncomfortableness.

"but now they have upheld the complaint"

Why do you think that was? Surely it's occurred to you that they investigated, took HR advice, and that the OW 's complaint was upheld. Why? What was their reasoning, legally, from an HR pov. What are you going to say, that's going to make them change?

A threat is ‘if you don’t do Y, then I will do X’. You said if you dont miss the meeting I will complain. What you should have done is complain without giving her a threat. You didn’t say ‘if you don’t stop speaking to me like that, I will complain’ that’s not a threat in the same way as it is the correct way to deal with bad behaviour.

I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.

It sounds like you did threaten to expose the affair. That is essentially blackmail. I think you need to admit this to yourself.

Anyway, all this is moot. Drop the rope. Who cares who was right or wrong. Just walk away.

I agree with a pp above who suggested you might be a trustee of the charity. You seem like a strong woman who likes to have control/agency over things, (I say that in a good way, it is an admirable trait) but when one's spouse has an affair that's the ultimate loss of agency and control. It must have been very hard to deal with.

Just let go and walk away from all of it.

You don't need to be investigated by the charity, you don't deserve that ultimately, although you did one bad thing (the blackmail), that hardly counts morally (imo) against the huge amount of good work you've done for the charity. Of course any investigation won't work that way, they'll look at this one event in isolation and find you "guilty" for the blackmail and you'll be humiliated and it'll feel very unfair. So just walk away.

There is no “legally” for volunteers. It’s not employment.

Oh dear, what a mess. 6 years is a long affair, over half a decade. I wouldn't be surprised if others in the charity knew long ago.
The crucial part if you want to counter her complaint, is do you have evidence of her threatening you?
This panel won't care about any evidence of the affair, they won't be looking into a moral situation. They are investigating you because your message is saying "don't attend the party or I will report you for having an affair" unless you worded it differently in the text to how you worded it in your op? You had no right to ask her not to attend and it was possibly foolish considering the circumstances. I understand it would be uncomfortable but that's what happens in these situations. You could have removed yourself from it all but you chose to stay, therefore you needed to keep a professional head on and not be swayed by emotions. I know it's incredibly hard to do that but it was your choice.
Whatever you choose next, I hope you have some good friends/family around to support you.

Get your H to write to the chair explaining the background, taking full responsibility for the tensions between you and OW, and resigning with immediate effect. Get him to point out that you acted as a result of a problem he created, and ask the trustees to take that into account when reaching their decision.

I'd be asking why 'D'H is so keen that I remain with the charity. If you leave and it has to close - does he have an ulterior motive for the charity remaining open?

(Basically I'm wondering if he's now shagging someone else whom he can only meet under cover of the 'charity work'.)

Walk away from ALL of this, OP. Find another charity to support, leave your DH and live your life away from all this toxic behaviour.

I’m very aware that volunteering isn’t the same as employment. She sounds like she doesn’t want to continue volunteering anyway so does it matter if she is removed?