Volunteering got complicated …..

[MellowTiger]

I didn’t really know how to title this post. My DH & I volunteer for the same charity. He became involved with volunteer (female) -unknown to me this has been off and on for 6 years. It’s mainly s/text and phone/video call but it’s been very explicit & talk of moving in together. I found out & when challenged he ended it.
OW then started to be awkward with me in online meetings etc (we rarely meet F2F). It got to the point where other people commented on it. We were due to meet F2F as a group so I messaged OW saying requesting she didn’t attend (I have to go she doesn’t). I also said that if she continued being the way she was I would take it further in the organisation and that she couldn’t deny the relationship because I have photos of their conversations.
She put in a complaint saying I had threatened her, which has now been upheld and I now have to be interviewed to be sanctioned.
I feel this is really unfair AIBU? This is a personal matter, I was polite and although I see there was 100 ways to word it, I don’t think saying I’ll take it further (meaning a formal complaint) is really a threat. We ended up cancelling the F2F cos I said I wouldn’t go and without me it can’t take place.
Regardless of the sanction outcome I want to stop volunteering, but this could lead to the charity closure, so my DH says I should carry on. I don’t know what to do.

How can they uphold the complaint if it was just to say you would take it further ie “follow procedure”? How is that a threat? I wouldn’t accept that at all and ask them to explain this.

Did she claim you said something else?

I’d be telling them “if you sanction me, I am leaving”. Again, not a threat, just fact. If they treat you so poorly why would you want to stay?

Stuff what your DH wants.

And?

That doesn't justify her crappy behaviour in retaliation.

Counter complaint with email to clarify your threat was off formal complaint not murder. Leave the charity due to their lack of support and jobs worth handling. Leave your husband.

Or

Leave the charity.

Don't be silly. How is going to ruin the woman's life if the charity she volunteers for tells her to be polite to another volunteer?

I would ditch both the charity and the lying scum husband.

It takes two willing volunteers to have an affair.

And I am not reading your behaviour as crappy just a human plea to "gonna stfu and have some decency to leave me to do my charity work you've caused enough trouble to my life"

Your husband is a dick though.

I’d say this charity job is a bit of a bin fire and you’ll have to leave. If that results in the charity closing I would say that’s your husbands fault for having the affair- he created the conditions under which it became impossible for you to work there. So this is not on on you!

could you set up your own charity and continue your good work? Is there a similar organisation that could be expanded with you at the helm. When one door closes another opens and all that.

I almost think the process you’re going through with the charity is a bit of a red herring. Try and “zoom out” and think about what you’ll care about in 5 years time.

What is crappy about telling the woman she will invoke a process designed to deal with exactly this situation if it doesn't stop?

I'm sorry but the charity is big enough to have a complaints system, but small enough it will fold without you?

You might want not want to tell everyone about the affair. So either just quit the charity. You are not going to enjoy it now anyway knowing about your husband and knowing the OW can now also gloat over the disciplinary.

Or you can tell the charity about the affair, about how the other woman is being horrible to you. And say you are leaving. If it will really fold without you, surely they will drop the disciplinary. Then you can chose to stay on or not.

But personally I think you should leave the charity completely asap. And possibly your husband too

NB. It seems there are still many people in society who don't understand the volunteering industry. It's not a free for all walk-in, walk-out as and when business practice. There are policies and conduct to adhere to.

It was 'if you don't do as I say then xxxx will happen'. If she had a complaint she should have made it regardless - it's the fact that she was trying to get someone to do something by threatening to make the complaint

What a mess your ridiculous cheat of a husband has caused you OP. I don't know how you can stand to look at the man. Perhaps if you focused less on the OW you'd see past her to the person who has done you the greater wrong, then sat there passively while things became worse with two women fighting each other, over the sorry specimen he is.
This has spiralled out of control now. Unfortunately the OW does have grounds for complaint against you, as you have used the threat of revealing her private messages to coerce her into not attending the meeting, and there isn't any way back from that, as you now appear someone who will resort to this behaviour which won't sit well with a charity.
I'm sorry for the mess you're in and hope that the charity values you highly enough to allow you to stay in role if that's what you want to do.
If there was any justice your husband would be the person who's volunteering was terminated alongside the OW. However just as he's snaked his way out of trouble with you, he's managed to keep his own hands looking clean here so will no doubt emerge unscathed while you carry the can.

@Convolvulus it was that she doesn't stop - it was if she attends the meeting she will.

I've handled dozens of volunteers in my career. HR have asked people to leave in situations like this. All three of you. Advertising for more volunteers.

Start looking for volunteering opportunities elsewhere.

We've had a few scandals like this with retired men unfortunately.

The charity has treated you unfairly I feel. You were in a most difficult situation and from what you say you simply asked the other woman not to attend.
I wouldn't be able to continue working for them. Use your skills elsewhere. Your husband should have though of the impact on the charity when he started the affair. He can't wade in now with his opinions.

Your husband is a bit of a liability.

If I was in this situation OP I would attend the interview but use it as an opportunity to tell them that I can no longer volunteer because of the affair this woman had with your husband and her subsequent unpleasant attitude towards you during online meetings. You haven’t done anything wrong but I think that you won’t be able to move on from this chapter in your life until you don’t have to see this woman again.

Surely it isn’t too late for you to raise your own complaint?.

quite frankly I’d let the charity close at this point if it is completely dependant on you. I’d have resigned the second I found out about the ‘affair’

This and what @RodeoRoo says upthread

By "volunteering" @MellowTiger do you mean that you are a trustee? In which case you have legal obligations as your name is above the door.

I still don’t understand how you leaving could close a whole charity down? How are there enough people to sanction and investigate you if it’s such a small charity.

start your own one and ditch the bastard. Don’t let any of them treat you badly any longer.

You haven't done anything wrong, imo.

Yes, there are situations where the other woman doesn't know that the person they're getting involved with is married, but she is no better than your husband. She knew he was married, hell fire, she knew you! They're both disgusting.

I would go armed up, lay down a complaint about how she's been hounding you. Then I'd leave the charity and find another one.

Makes things easier for you. You matter first and foremost here.

The mistake you made was not going straight to formal procedures. Feeling threatened, she attacked. Now you have to counter attack. Counter claim immediately.

The charity is not going to simply remove the OW so the OP doesn't have to be around her. They will look at the behaviour that falls within their remit, which is how the two women have conducted themselves during their volunteering. The OW has evidence of the OPs threat. OP has some vague references to being made 'uncomfortable' and some gossip from other volunteers on her side, so far less 'on' the OW than vice versa. As PP said the charity may dispense with all three. Volunteers have no employment rights so its certainly the easiest way forward.