To feel my school friends held me back ?

[OrganicPlane]

I went to a middle class, non mainstream school and the girls I went to school with were all very immature, lacking in confidence and precious. All their mothers knew each other - they were teachers.

They seemed to hate big when I - previously fat, lost weight and gained more confidence.

They almost wore their lack of confidence as a badge of honour :

”Oh looooook!!! I can’t even go and ask for something in a shoooopppp!” (Aged 20)

i have to say I’m only slightly exaggerating with the above example

I feel the girls I went to school with did shape my personality a bit and it’s been hard to break free/gain confidence. AIBU?

How old are you now OP? I understand that traumatic events can be impactful long term- but it sounds to me like you need to go forth into your own future with confidence.

You don't have to see any of those people again or stay in touch. So think about what you need to do or where you need to be in order to break free.

There's a great quote i read somewhere which has helped me in the past; 'Don't look back. You are not going that way'.

You need to take personal responsibility op.

If your lack of confidence is their responsibility, then presumably their lack of confidence was caused by someone else.

What I'm saying is either you're all equally victims, or not.

What really matters is what you're doing next.

There's not a person alive who couldn't find someone or some reason from the past and say they/it held them back.

You can say it if you like, but the only person who let it happen was you.

And the only person who can change things now is you.

With respect, you held yourself back. You could have moved on from the group if you thought them immature. Confidence doesn't come from others it comes from with.
When I was 16 I changed my friendship group (I am male so it may have been easier and I had different friends in school) but the lads I grew up with from basically a toddler were getting into drugs/thieving/not wanting to work and I had gone to sixth form so distanced myself from them.

I was very very shy and anxious as a child, but I made a decision at 12 to be myself and stuff what anyone else thought. I dressed differently, listened to different music, worked at school....everything everyone around me wasn't doing. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you...

There was a group of girls in the year above my daughter who seemed to be competitively under confident. None of the dared have driving lessons. None of them wanted to leave home to go to uni. None of them could ever deliver a reading in church etc I got to know them when helping set up and run a charity tea party. My daughter and her friends were not like that, thankfully. It was sad to see.

Surprised nobody's told you get therapy.

Thank you very much for responding.

Sorry some typos in my post. Looking back I suppose I thought these girls were very sheltered.

Believe it or not - we’re now 51/52!! Thing is - my mum was very controlling and was desperate for me to be friends with these girls - she thought the sun shone out of their backsides!!! When one of the phoned, for example, my mum used to eavesdrop on the phone call and make me feel guilty if I didn’t seem 100% enthusiastic about socialising with the girl. I was 20 years old at the time !!!!

I basically felt that both my parents put a lot of pressure on me to be friends with these girls

Yes - I can relate to this.

You’d think the logic was bizarre, wouldn’t you? But I think it’s not unusual, sadly

True

So true

Thank you. Very true

Jesus wept, @OrganicPlane, you left school 34 years ago! Move on!

Fair point

Do you live in the same area and see them now? Or have much to do with your mother? i had a very controlling alcoholic mother who was occasionally violent when i did not meet up to her expectations (often social expectations) and quite frankly the reason I moved continents (literally). I am the same age as you and i do go 'home' about every 12 months or so but that only serves to show me that I was right to carve out my own life and my own future. It was with no small amount of joy I changed my surname to my husbands as well- it felt literally like starting a new life and leaving the old one behind.

Thsnk you

youre attitude sounds great !

Your mother sounds like a way bigger issue than your classmates.

I'm around the same age OP.

I note when asked about your friends you went on to blame your mother for you having them as friends.

I was displaced during middle school from one area to another. From that experience I can honestly say you find your own people, these make up your friendship group. Our parents can try and force relationships with others they prefer but it never works out, children learn to build their own relationships outside of parental control.

Those girls were your friends, your people at that time. They probably aren't or wouldn't be now but then they were your choice not your mothers. Only you hold yourself back, no one else does, that was entirely your choice.

We can all be affected by the things that happen in our childhood, but it is our choice to continue to do so as adults.

Oh wow op, you’re in your fifties? I thought you were late teens early twenties.

whats went wrong in your life that you’d actually think it was some shy school friends fault?

No. You have a mind of your own. You choose how you react to circumstances and events in your life. You make your own decisions.
Yes, people/circumstances can impact us, but we are in control of our emotions, and how we react or respond to things/people lies entirely with us.
Looking back in self-pity is futile.
Change what you can, accept what you can't, and move on.

No. No one holds you back but yourself. You are blaming other people for your feelings/success etc. You are a grown up and own the way you feel, the way you behave and your own successes.

Looking at a time over 30 years ago to ‘blame’ where you are now is bonkers. It wasn’t a traumatic experience. It was situational. Own it..

Nope, your school friends are not responsible for ‘holding you back’. Especially not decades later. For a start, if you were so much better than them you could have brought them forward instead of letting them hold you back. And secondly, you’ve had thirty-odd years to fix this. You cannot still reasonably blame a few mates from your teens for how you’ve turned out in your 50s. Nobody forces you to hang out, as an adult, with people you think are pathetic. Your issues are your own.

I’m around your age. At 20 years old I would have laughed in my parents’ faces if they’d been trying to orchestrate my friendships. I doubt they even knew who most of my friends were when I was 20.

The problem here is partly your mother and partly you apparently not standing up to her. It’s not the fault of your friends.

I was expecting you to say 17, 18, 22... something in those realms, ready for the pep talk.

You're 51.

You can blame anyone for anything, but what you're lacking is personal responsibility.

Leave the past in the past. Decide what you think is missing from your present, and look to make those changes... take action rather than looking for someone else to blame (35 yrs ago) for all your problems now.

I'm knocking on 50

I was just thinking the other day that when I was in my 20s, we were encouraged to leave childhood shit behind and take responsibility for ourselves. Now it seems like the total opposite is fashionable but I thought that was damaging for young people, because surely people my age arent doing it!

honestly, I can't believe you haven't forgotten about this yet. I thought that the sheer amount of stuff that happens over a lifetime, you would have forgotten it by now? Because your recent life would be packed with other stuff?

I'm not seeing that you can blame your school friends for holding you back. That's mad.