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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel my school friends held me back ?

149 replies

OrganicPlane · 21/02/2025 16:41

I went to a middle class, non mainstream school and the girls I went to school with were all very immature, lacking in confidence and precious. All their mothers knew each other - they were teachers.

They seemed to hate big when I - previously fat, lost weight and gained more confidence.

They almost wore their lack of confidence as a badge of honour :

”Oh looooook!!! I can’t even go and ask for something in a shoooopppp!” (Aged 20)

i have to say I’m only slightly exaggerating with the above example

I feel the girls I went to school with did shape my personality a bit and it’s been hard to break free/gain confidence. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 09:00

SnoopysHoose · 22/02/2025 08:41

I know in a rational, objective level I’m not responsible for other people’s happiness but it takes a while to catch up
30 years?? jesus wept
Get a good therapist and find out why you think like this

I know

the phrase

”30 years? Jesus wept made me smile a little. I’m able to see the humorous side of things

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 09:01

About half the girls in this group keep very close contact

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 09:02

There was a FB pic of them at a social event last year

OP posts:
Dita73 · 22/02/2025 09:05

@OrganicPlane so what?! Stop following them!

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 22/02/2025 09:07

Yes. It's unreasonable. Personal responsibility is a thing. Seek out therapy if you need to unpack some things.

I was bullied all through school because of disability. It was spectacularly shit and has had lasting impact. But it would have been even worse if I had continued to give those kids power and headspace all my life.

Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 09:07

Dita73 · 22/02/2025 09:05

@OrganicPlane so what?! Stop following them!

I sometimes think they’re only in touch because their parents put pressure on them all to stay in touch

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 09:08

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 22/02/2025 09:07

Yes. It's unreasonable. Personal responsibility is a thing. Seek out therapy if you need to unpack some things.

I was bullied all through school because of disability. It was spectacularly shit and has had lasting impact. But it would have been even worse if I had continued to give those kids power and headspace all my life.

Sorry you experienced this and you’ve got a very healthy attitude

OP posts:
alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 22/02/2025 09:10

OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 09:08

Sorry you experienced this and you’ve got a very healthy attitude

Show quote history

Thanks. I hope you manage to start over, so to speak. Get them muted on social media. It doesn't help you to see that.

Dita73 · 22/02/2025 09:10

@OrganicPlane as I said,so what?! You sound like a child. You started this thread asking if you think these people held you back. No they didn’t,you’re using them to hold yourself back. What’s worse is you’re still doing it. You literally follow them! I hope you get help or whatever you need but this is just ridiculous

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/02/2025 09:13

OrganicPlane · 21/02/2025 17:01

Thank you very much for responding.

Sorry some typos in my post. Looking back I suppose I thought these girls were very sheltered.

Believe it or not - we’re now 51/52!! Thing is - my mum was very controlling and was desperate for me to be friends with these girls - she thought the sun shone out of their backsides!!! When one of the phoned, for example, my mum used to eavesdrop on the phone call and make me feel guilty if I didn’t seem 100% enthusiastic about socialising with the girl. I was 20 years old at the time !!!!

I basically felt that both my parents put a lot of pressure on me to be friends with these girls

Show quote history

Your parents were the problem here! At 20 years old I was living independently and my parents had no say regarding who I was friends with, they certainly weren’t eavesdropping on my social conversations and putting pressure on me regarding who I socialised with here. It sounds like you were infantilised by your mother and that is probably what has held you back.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 22/02/2025 09:16

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/02/2025 09:13

Your parents were the problem here! At 20 years old I was living independently and my parents had no say regarding who I was friends with, they certainly weren’t eavesdropping on my social conversations and putting pressure on me regarding who I socialised with here. It sounds like you were infantilised by your mother and that is probably what has held you back.

Show quote history

Agree with this. Counselling to work through some stuff would probably help, OP. So often family relationships are tricky

Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 09:33

Sorry meant to say in response to a question above -

both my parents have now passed

i thought I’d quoted the post

OP posts:
Queratin · 22/02/2025 09:58

Dita73 · 22/02/2025 08:42

@Queratin youre right,it’s not always easy to move on but you’ll can recognise that you’re struggling to deal with something and get help for it. Surely you’re not encouraging that the OP just accepts their situation or continues to blame everyone else? They’re an adult. They can do the right things to get on in life or just continue to feel sorry for yourself. You have to take back control

No I am not encouraging that. I am just offering some compassion and understanding.

Queratin · 22/02/2025 10:00

OP, are you a people-pleaser in real life? Your posts come across as if you may be. Apologies if I am wrong.

SnoopysHoose · 22/02/2025 10:19

@OrganicPlane
Glad you had a laugh, I'm afraid being Scottish I tend to be more to the point, you seem very passive and tbf need to give yourself a big shake and forget all this nonsense, I guarantee none of them give you a second thought.
We're here for a good time not for a long time, stop wasting your life worrying about shite from 30 years ago.

Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 11:18

Yes - I am - absolutely!! You’ve hit the nail on the head here.

My mum was the cause of this - e.g.

”You’re totally selfish. Your father and I WANT you to make friends” when we were on holiday and j was perfectly happy hanging round on my own.

She’d make me feel responsible for other people’s feelings - e.g.

”Poor Helen she’s on her own.” Round the pool on holiday.

And then when I didn’t immediately jump to befriend Helen / making me feel guilty responsibly for Helen’s feelings and her and my Dad’s feelings “your father and I WANT you to make friends!!” - said in a cold aggressive tone

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 11:19

Queratin · 22/02/2025 10:00

OP, are you a people-pleaser in real life? Your posts come across as if you may be. Apologies if I am wrong.

Sorry I thought I’d quoted your post! Please see my post below at around 11.18 to answer your question!

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 11:32

MolkosTeenageAngst · 22/02/2025 09:13

Your parents were the problem here! At 20 years old I was living independently and my parents had no say regarding who I was friends with, they certainly weren’t eavesdropping on my social conversations and putting pressure on me regarding who I socialised with here. It sounds like you were infantilised by your mother and that is probably what has held you back.

Show quote history

Yes I totally agree with you.

When I told her I was fed up of her interference and control she said

“while you’re living in this house …”

she had fork for aggressive drunken tantrums if she couldn’t get her own way.

There was such a paradox with my mum - I was an only child and she was an abusive alcoholic so used to neglect me completely. But with social relationships she was very intrusive - thing is because of her abuse and alcoholism- I got used to being he in my own and independent and enjoyed my own company - didn’t need her interference

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 11:32

SnoopysHoose · 22/02/2025 10:19

@OrganicPlane
Glad you had a laugh, I'm afraid being Scottish I tend to be more to the point, you seem very passive and tbf need to give yourself a big shake and forget all this nonsense, I guarantee none of them give you a second thought.
We're here for a good time not for a long time, stop wasting your life worrying about shite from 30 years ago.

True ..

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 11:45

Illegally18 · 21/02/2025 17:56

I'm 10 years older than you and can relate up to your story a little bit. There is a notion in the English culture that being shy and unconfident makes you a better person. Apparently it means that you are more sensitive, more fragile, etc more 'feminine'. But what I don't understand is how you have held onto this idea till the age of 51. Surely you have worked out that you had to emotionally stand more on your own two feet? or hasn't the University of Life knocked this silly notion out of your head? I agree with the pp who said that your mum was more the problem for eavesdropping on your conversations at 20, you should have told her to fuck off!

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Blimey I wish I’d stood up to my mother much more often !

OP posts:
Queratin · 22/02/2025 11:45

OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 11:19

Sorry I thought I’d quoted your post! Please see my post below at around 11.18 to answer your question!

Show quote history

Sorry if I have missed it but have you ever had therapy? Either to discuss your past ie your parents, or just some assertiveness training as a start. You deserve to make the most of your life.

Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 11:47

Queratin · 22/02/2025 11:45

Sorry if I have missed it but have you ever had therapy? Either to discuss your past ie your parents, or just some assertiveness training as a start. You deserve to make the most of your life.

Show quote history

Thank you yes I’ve had bits of therapy here and there ..

OP posts:
WitcheryDivine · 22/02/2025 11:47

I strongly doubt your (former?) friends are still friends because their parents make them be so. I don’t think that’s a very common pattern.

Why do you think your mum wanted you to befriend these girls in particular?

Do you have other friends now?

Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 11:48

WitcheryDivine · 22/02/2025 11:47

I strongly doubt your (former?) friends are still friends because their parents make them be so. I don’t think that’s a very common pattern.

Why do you think your mum wanted you to befriend these girls in particular?

Do you have other friends now?

Because they went to the same imo very narrow minded church

yes I’ve got other friends now

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 11:52

WitcheryDivine · 22/02/2025 11:47

I strongly doubt your (former?) friends are still friends because their parents make them be so. I don’t think that’s a very common pattern.

Why do you think your mum wanted you to befriend these girls in particular?

Do you have other friends now?

It’s not common maybe - I know what you mean - but one of the girls was aware that her mum just wanted her to mix with church people - it’s as if she was petrified of her mum’s response if she showed lack of enthusiasm for this group and and got annoyed with cos I showed disinterest in church

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