To feel my school friends held me back ?

[OrganicPlane]

I went to a middle class, non mainstream school and the girls I went to school with were all very immature, lacking in confidence and precious. All their mothers knew each other - they were teachers.

They seemed to hate big when I - previously fat, lost weight and gained more confidence.

They almost wore their lack of confidence as a badge of honour :

”Oh looooook!!! I can’t even go and ask for something in a shoooopppp!” (Aged 20)

i have to say I’m only slightly exaggerating with the above example

I feel the girls I went to school with did shape my personality a bit and it’s been hard to break free/gain confidence. AIBU?

Do you think your distaste for these women are a kind of way of expressing dislike for yourself? Either as you were then or as you are now? I agree they sound very wet but you clearly clung to each other (for example your mum wasn’t there during the school day and you could have sought out other people).

Yes it could be a away of expressing dislike for myself

Did you go to Uni, OP? Because that's often when young people detach from their parents and find their own values and friends. So if that didn't happen for you, it's worth thinking why not. Was uni not an option for you? Or if you did go, why didn't that help you detach from your parent's wishes and values?

I think it's very normal to look back and wonder why we took the paths we did, but as others have said, this seems like a parent issue not a friend issue.

Yes I went to uni. But I only went away to please my mother and I knew she was trying to get me away from my boyfriend at the time. I hated uni and wanted to leave and jn my second year sadly had a serious breakdown and depression.

when I was at uni - my mum wouldn’t let me stay overnight with my boyfriend and reacted badly once when I told her I’d stayed overnight with him at his grandmas

I got so unhappy with this that I had serious depression in year 2

My mum basically used to throw the word ‘selfish’ at me when j was simply making independent decisions

when I was at uni - my mum wouldn’t let me stay overnight with my boyfriend
if you were away why did you even ask her or obey her?
Please stop living in the past, put yourself first and get on with living a good life.

I didn’t ask her I stayed with him loads of times anyway - but once I told her In retrospect

There were 8 of us in the group.

There are about 4 who are the main nucleus of the group and are joined at the hip. Their parents are all teachers. There other 4 including me are more ‘outside’ to a greater or lesser degree.

The most ‘dynamic’ girl in the group whenever she saw me agree she’d left school used to say to me “were the only 2 who haven’t turned out like the others”

I agree with her

Ok, definitely a parent issue and probably not something you can sort on here. Maybe get some more therapy and work out how you can take small steps towards the life you want for the next 30 years instead of looking back to the past.

That’s the thing - when us group of girls went out for the evening with a group of lads when we were in our 20s - every time I had a normal bit of banter/joke with one of the lads one of my ‘friends’ would say afterwards :

”I thought you did very well there”

I mean Jesus wept!!! 🤣

@OrganicPlane have you fixated on this recently as a random one off?

Or have you been thinking about it for 30+ years?

I’ve been thinking about it for 20 years

Was it the case that your school friends were considered not popular?

There were 8 of us in the group. The most ‘dynamic’ girl in the group every time she used to see me after we left school she would say

“we’re the only 2 that haven’t turned out like the rest”

Erm

Ok....

...'they seemed to hate big..'
Who is big and what did he do?

Sorry that was a typo - should read

‘they seemed to hate it’

There will always be "precious princesses" in any group. Many years ago I went to a rather posh secretarial college. I realise nowadays this sounds odd, but in those days it was common for "posh" girls to do non-academic courses like secrerarial, cookery, modeling and grooming, flower-arranging - I guess parents thought it would keep them busy and out of trouble until they found a rich husband!! Anyway, there were some, like me, who actually were there to acquire skills and find a good job. However, there were a core of girls who had gone from home to boarding school, to finishing school, then to us. Some were 20, and still behaved like giggly 10-year olds, the most hilarious thing to them was a good practical joke, like putting a dead frog in someone's bed. God knows when, if ever, they grew up.

OP, you need to move on from the past... grow some armour. You don't need external validation from anyone. Make your own.

I consider past events as amusing material to share with my current close friends.

Ooh now standing up to a controlling mother is like saying why didn’t you fly to the moon. You don’t know at the time often that what is happening isnt right , it’s all you’ve known. You’ve been groomed effectively to accept that behaviour whatever it is.

Why are you still dwelling on this I'm the same age aa you
School wasent great at times for me but it was 35 years ago .

Thaank you for clarifying! 😀

i did socialise a bit with them a bit in my adult life and regret that now

Yes this is so true