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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel my school friends held me back ?

149 replies

OrganicPlane · 21/02/2025 16:41

I went to a middle class, non mainstream school and the girls I went to school with were all very immature, lacking in confidence and precious. All their mothers knew each other - they were teachers.

They seemed to hate big when I - previously fat, lost weight and gained more confidence.

They almost wore their lack of confidence as a badge of honour :

”Oh looooook!!! I can’t even go and ask for something in a shoooopppp!” (Aged 20)

i have to say I’m only slightly exaggerating with the above example

I feel the girls I went to school with did shape my personality a bit and it’s been hard to break free/gain confidence. AIBU?

OP posts:
MonkeyHarold · 22/02/2025 02:43

OrganicPlane · 21/02/2025 23:39

Yes you’re right

Thing is I ‘let’ my mum choose my friends up to aged 22 because she had history of being an aggressive, abusive alcoholic and I was scared of confronting her

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That's shit OP and I can see how that would have affected you. Is life good for you now? Do you think you would benefit by talking to a therapist or a counsellor? I think it would help you put things into perspective.

BlondiePortz · 22/02/2025 02:50

Each person is responsible for themselves and people who try and find excuses to blame others will get no where

MoetUndChandon · 22/02/2025 03:06

You're being strangely passive and positive about a bunch of people telling you you're completely wrong about views you've held for the past 30 years. That seems odd.

RobJamesCollierFor007 · 22/02/2025 03:11

OrganicPlane · 21/02/2025 23:39

Yes you’re right

Thing is I ‘let’ my mum choose my friends up to aged 22 because she had history of being an aggressive, abusive alcoholic and I was scared of confronting her

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Have you tried Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings? Some find them very helpful.

Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 07:56

Illegally18 · 21/02/2025 17:56

I'm 10 years older than you and can relate up to your story a little bit. There is a notion in the English culture that being shy and unconfident makes you a better person. Apparently it means that you are more sensitive, more fragile, etc more 'feminine'. But what I don't understand is how you have held onto this idea till the age of 51. Surely you have worked out that you had to emotionally stand more on your own two feet? or hasn't the University of Life knocked this silly notion out of your head? I agree with the pp who said that your mum was more the problem for eavesdropping on your conversations at 20, you should have told her to fuck off!

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Yes my mum controlled my relationships until I was 22 when I had a serious bout of depression and she learnt the hard way she had to stop

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 07:57

CuteEasterBunny · 21/02/2025 18:16

It’s been decades. Take some accountability.

Yes agreed

OP posts:
sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 · 22/02/2025 07:58

I feel the girls I went to school with did shape my personality a bit and it’s been hard to break free/gain confidence. AIBU?

Yes.

You choose who you are. You create your life. No one else

Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 07:59

MoetUndChandon · 22/02/2025 03:06

You're being strangely passive and positive about a bunch of people telling you you're completely wrong about views you've held for the past 30 years. That seems odd.

Yes you’re probably right - that’s because on a rational, objective level I know you’re all correct .. but it takes a while for my emotions to catch up

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 08:02

MonkeyHarold · 22/02/2025 02:43

That's shit OP and I can see how that would have affected you. Is life good for you now? Do you think you would benefit by talking to a therapist or a counsellor? I think it would help you put things into perspective.

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Thanks - yes it’s much better now - I know who my good influences are

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 08:05

OKNerd · 21/02/2025 18:19

Further to my earlier post, I agree with this - I wish I had more gumption as a teenager and I always teach my DD to never hold back parts of herself and never let anyone surprise who she wants to be.

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This is excellent advice for your daughter

OP posts:
curious79 · 22/02/2025 08:08

You have an issue with your mother. It’s nothing to do with these other girls. But given you are now in your early 50s it’s definitely time to not even try to blame school. You have been running your own race for a long time. I don’t know what you think you could’ve achieved with a different mindset, but there’s still time to achieve something

Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 08:09

MonkeyHarold · 21/02/2025 18:16

Is this something that's been bothering you for years or something you've just thought of OP?
You describe these girls as immature, lacking in confidence and precious yet you think they shaped your personality a bit. That makes no sense at all. You later say that they seemed very sheltered to you but you let your mother choose your friends when you were twenty. An adult.
You seem to look down on these girls but you were exactly the same as them and it seems that all these years later, you haven't changed.
OP, take responsibility for yourself. If you were held back by anyone, it was yourself. If you are struggling to accept that, then maybe you'd benefit from finding someone to talk it over with.
I hope you can move on from this.

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It’s something that’s been bothering me for years and yes you’re right in everything you say in this post. I am like them. My mother was an alcoholic, abusive, threw random tantrums and sadly I had a severe breakdown at 22 because I couldn’t stand up to her.

By 24 I could stand up to my parents more forcefully

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 08:10

curious79 · 22/02/2025 08:08

You have an issue with your mother. It’s nothing to do with these other girls. But given you are now in your early 50s it’s definitely time to not even try to blame school. You have been running your own race for a long time. I don’t know what you think you could’ve achieved with a different mindset, but there’s still time to achieve something

Thank you. You are 100% correct

OP posts:
Dita73 · 22/02/2025 08:11

It’s sounds like you’ve been using this as an excuse for years and years to stop getting things done. I’m not saying that things like this don’t have an impact on us but for goodness sake,get on with your life. It’s really quite pathetic

Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 08:13

Dita73 · 22/02/2025 08:11

It’s sounds like you’ve been using this as an excuse for years and years to stop getting things done. I’m not saying that things like this don’t have an impact on us but for goodness sake,get on with your life. It’s really quite pathetic

Fair enough you’re right

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 08:14

Dita73 · 22/02/2025 08:11

It’s sounds like you’ve been using this as an excuse for years and years to stop getting things done. I’m not saying that things like this don’t have an impact on us but for goodness sake,get on with your life. It’s really quite pathetic

My mother made me responsible for other people’s happiness.

I know in a rational, objective level I’m not responsible for other people’s happiness but it takes a while to catch up

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 08:19

Cinnamonrollsforbreakfast · 21/02/2025 19:01

People are being harsh. You haven’t said you blame your old friends or don’t take responsibility for your life. It IS interesting to think back to how people in your early life shaped you. It can make you feel a loss of what you might have been or regret that you didn’t see things differently at the time. But you were young and it sounds like you were heavily influenced by a sheltered upbringing.

Yes this is very true

OP posts:
Dita73 · 22/02/2025 08:19

@OrganicPlane it doesn’t take this bloody long. Everyone on this earth can do the Freudian thing where the previous generations are to blame for our behaviour. To an extent it’s true but there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand and take responsibility for your own actions. You know where you’re going wrong and just using this bollocks as an excuse

Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 08:20

Dita73 · 22/02/2025 08:19

@OrganicPlane it doesn’t take this bloody long. Everyone on this earth can do the Freudian thing where the previous generations are to blame for our behaviour. To an extent it’s true but there comes a time when you have to draw a line in the sand and take responsibility for your own actions. You know where you’re going wrong and just using this bollocks as an excuse

Yes. I know where I’m going wrong

OP posts:
Dita73 · 22/02/2025 08:26

@OrganicPlane then do something about it. Stop blaming other people and just get on with it. If you persist with the whole “I’m like this because my mother made me do x,y,z,etc” you may as well just sit on your arse and get comfy while you turn into the female equivalent of Norman Bates

Queratin · 22/02/2025 08:37

People are being a bit harsh to the OP. Some things in our childhoods can continue to affect us many decades later, however irrational it may seem. Yes, we can move on and should try to, but human beings are complex and it isn’t always easy to leave the past behind. I work as a consultant psychiatrist and if people moved on easily from their childhoods, I would be out of a job.

SnoopysHoose · 22/02/2025 08:41

I know in a rational, objective level I’m not responsible for other people’s happiness but it takes a while to catch up
30 years?? jesus wept
Get a good therapist and find out why you think like this

Dita73 · 22/02/2025 08:42

@Queratin youre right,it’s not always easy to move on but you’ll can recognise that you’re struggling to deal with something and get help for it. Surely you’re not encouraging that the OP just accepts their situation or continues to blame everyone else? They’re an adult. They can do the right things to get on in life or just continue to feel sorry for yourself. You have to take back control

Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 08:56

Queratin · 22/02/2025 08:37

People are being a bit harsh to the OP. Some things in our childhoods can continue to affect us many decades later, however irrational it may seem. Yes, we can move on and should try to, but human beings are complex and it isn’t always easy to leave the past behind. I work as a consultant psychiatrist and if people moved on easily from their childhoods, I would be out of a job.

Thank you. Yes - even though I feel that the people being harsh on me from a rational, objective perspective are 100% correct, and I definitely welcome their feedback, what you say in this post is totally correct too.

My mum made me feel responsible for other people’s emotions even if I wasn't keen on the person with statements like

“She’s a good friend”
and

”she’s been good to you” (in some past situation)

making it difficult for me to argue back and making me feel I had to explain myself.

No one should be made to feel they have to explain themselves

OP posts:
Original poster
OrganicPlane · 22/02/2025 08:58

Dita73 · 22/02/2025 08:42

@Queratin youre right,it’s not always easy to move on but you’ll can recognise that you’re struggling to deal with something and get help for it. Surely you’re not encouraging that the OP just accepts their situation or continues to blame everyone else? They’re an adult. They can do the right things to get on in life or just continue to feel sorry for yourself. You have to take back control

True. I’m starting a brand new life project today

OP posts: