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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WFH- partner came over unannounced

559 replies

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 21/02/2025 17:09

The undiagnosed long term illness serves a purpose for some people - attracting ongoing sympathy and kindness, being excused any bad behaviour (or symptoms ratchet up conveniently if challenged). It also allows this man a handy disguise as if he is the weak party, while being a bully to others.

MrsAmaretto · 21/02/2025 17:09

I’d tell him to fuck off. How dare he disrespect you and embarrass you. Lots of red flags in your subsequent posts, so it’s time to get rid.

JMSA · 21/02/2025 17:10

A hypochondriac who doesn't respect your boundaries and expects to be the centre of attention.
Not sexy, is it?

CorduroySituation · 21/02/2025 17:15

coxesorangepippin · 21/02/2025 15:16

I will raise with him the disrespect of interrupting. I do know the response though- he will suggest (without saying it mind you) that I am getting a high and mighty opinion of myself and my “important” job

^

Read that back to yourself

Yes and realise what an utter prick he is!

Oh OP he's done a number on you, hasn't he?

CorduroySituation · 21/02/2025 17:17

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2025 15:21

I am getting a high and mighty opinion of myself and my “important” job.

You SHOULD have a high opinion of yourself. That protects you against arseholes. The reason he wants you to have low self-esteem is it helps him. Because you'll accept shit behaviour. DON'T.

Yes!!

DeepFatFried · 21/02/2025 17:19

I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

I wouldn't give him chance to get cross. I would be going straight in, fully nuclear. Properly angry.

And I wouldn't call him during the working day, either. The working day is just that.

And if he didn't take the point and apologise he would be an ex by the end of the call.

If he starts prevaricating and guilt tripping, you have all the answers to his bullshit suggested on this thread. Not that ill because he he was able to come round, not an emergency, etc. Don't let him wheedle you with his pathetic tale on any level. End the call and block him.

DeepFatFried · 21/02/2025 17:20

Actually - save yourself the energy, just block him.

Miaowzabella · 21/02/2025 17:25

JFDIYOLO · 21/02/2025 16:34

Some thoughts -

Does he have a job?

And what was the illness?

Enlarged arsehole glands, probably.

jeaux90 · 21/02/2025 17:27

It looks wrong written down because it is.

Been with my partner 7 years, we live separately.

He would never just show up, never interrupt my work and never ever tell that he's more important than work.

Honestly im not sure why you are putting up with this bullshit behaviour

Americano75 · 21/02/2025 17:28

You know you deserve better, right?

Sonicbrew · 21/02/2025 17:30

Yikes, when I read your first post I imagined you guys were v young, like early 20s, but from your other posts I’m guessing older than that. Sounds like he needs a lot of support with his issues - might be a plan to do that from a platonic distance… don’t envy you this tough position!

Wonderi · 21/02/2025 17:39

I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling

Why would you leave your work call and then go and make him a cup of tea etc.

It’s one thing for him to turn up unannounced but you didn’t need to leave the work call and you definitely didn’t need to ask how he was or make him a cup of tea.

I would have stayed on my work call and if he came up to me trying to speak I would have just told him that you’re in the middle of a call.

You wouldn’t leave the office to go and talk to him whilst in the middle of a meeting, so why would you do it at home.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 21/02/2025 17:42

WilliamWillow · 21/02/2025 17:00

I also hate him coming over unannounced. He knows this.

It really is sound like from this, and your updates, that he is seeing your boundaries as a challenge - any small excuse to break them and he is finding a way to push right through them. Yes, I think you were right to trust your gut over not letting him move in. Sorry @Inchacha 🙁

Absolutely this.
Yes he might have anxiety, but he's using it as a way to manipulate you.
Really sorry, OP x

BeaAndBen · 21/02/2025 17:43

He's disrespectful, attention-seeking, manufactures drama, tramples over your boundaries and accuses you of being high and mighty when you ask him not to interrupt your work...

What positives does this twerp bring to your life? Any at all?

Wonderi · 21/02/2025 17:43

I don’t know why you’re with him and I think you’ll stay with him.

In the meantime make an excuse about your work being annoyed that you left during the meeting and from now on he can’t come round during your working hours and you can only phone/text him on your break.

I’ve never had a partner interrupt my work.
At the most he’d text me but I may not reply for a few hours and that’s fine.

My old workplace had no phones allowed in the building and so I would go from 7:30-5:00 with no contact from anyone out of work.
The office phone was there for emergencies only.

Nowvoyager99 · 21/02/2025 17:44

JMSA · 21/02/2025 17:10

A hypochondriac who doesn't respect your boundaries and expects to be the centre of attention.
Not sexy, is it?

Exactly.

Yuck!

OopsyDaisie · 21/02/2025 17:46

My 3yo used to do this. He doesn't anymore now he is 4......

DaffodillyDallyDame · 21/02/2025 17:46

In the meantime make an excuse about your work being annoyed that you left during the meeting

The OP doesn’t need an excuse. It’s her work! The fact demands respect without any external back up.

pinkstripeycat · 21/02/2025 17:47

Working from home means working, not at home to have a chat, laugh and socialise. Would DP walk in to your office for a chat? No! He’s odd, very odd

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/02/2025 17:48

You left a work meeting to make him a cup of tea?! I genuinely don’t understand what I’m reading.

The most worrying thing here is that you don’t seem to appreciate how utterly bizarre his behaviour is. It’s not just unacceptable, it’s really really strange. Which makes me wonder what other bizarre behaviour you’re just accepting.

middleeasternpromise · 21/02/2025 17:51

How long have you been together? Why do you think he thinks he can override your views on certain occasions? Is this work related only or other times? How does he show you respect or what it is that he has done that has led you feel positive about the relationship?

You are entitled to end a relationship that doesn't feel compatible with what you want out of life if that is how you are seeing things. You don't have to provide evidence or explain yourself it can simply be a mismatch.

Cattery · 21/02/2025 17:54

Is he 9?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 21/02/2025 17:56

OP, I hold my hand up to being an advanced search saddo. Is this the same man you were seeing two years ago, who demanded details of what you were telling your counsellor? If so, you knew then that he was a wrong ‘un and things clearly haven’t improved.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 21/02/2025 17:56

Your partner is way out of line coming into your office and being a nuisance like that. Also, why could the person who let him in not have made him a brew?
If I was your boss, I would be perfectly happy for you to tell him that I'd given you a row for going off the call / him coming in and interrupting you. Especially if he had form for not being respectful of you.
Make it clear that he isn't to come round during the working day, just like he wouldn't come to your office base if you didn't work from home.
What he says about you and your previous relationships when you are trying to put your foot down and stand up for yourself is gaslighting. He wants to be in charge of you and if you don't put him first then he sulks. It's not respectful and not healthy.

MzHz · 21/02/2025 17:58

How many more red flags are there @Inchacha

he is getting worse. He knows you’re busy and not happy with unannounced visits and he still pushed past your dd.

I think he needs to go. The pub thing was awful. He wants you to fuss over him. And he’s demanding your attention

this IS a red card offence love.