Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WFH- partner came over unannounced

559 replies

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

OP posts:
HideousKinky · 21/02/2025 16:41

Andylion · 21/02/2025 15:03

Why would you make him a cup of tea? That’s rewarding him for being inconsiderate.

Exactly this

Original poster
Inchacha · 21/02/2025 16:41

He has been self employed for many years and so can pick and choose his work pattern to a certain extent.

Hes nothing like my exh but at the same time this thread has made me question whether he is just as controlling but in a different way. During a spat recently he suggested that I was gaslighting him because I was holding a strong boundary but he recognised this and was pushing back against it because it was obviously what I learnt from my marriage and didn’t know that I was doing it.

Ive just remembered something else too- two years ago I was trying to pay off a massive car repair bill and got a cleaning job in a pub 6 very early mornings a week. One day he insisted on coming with me to “help” - I was absolutely mortified. There was only one other person around to witness this but it was awful. We had a massive falling out about it at the time- he was terribly jealous. Not now- I told him I would end our relationship if they’re was even one more incident of jealousy.

The only reason I mention this is because I am feeling a bit stupid- it illustrates again why I need to end it doesn’t it. Probably also illustrates why I have refused for us to move in together (my gut was telling me something wasn’t it).

OP posts:
Sassybooklover · 21/02/2025 16:41

He wouldn't pop along to your office, and interrupt a meeting, would he?! So therefore he should respect that you are actually working, and no he can't interrupt a meeting, for you to deal with an non-emergency. It shouldn't matter where you are working, nothing changes the fact, you are working. Unfortunately, some people do think WFH, equates to 'dossing around, doing little'. My guess, this is what your partner believes. You need to have a honest, calm conversation with him. He needs to text you and ask if it's convenient for him to pop over eg when you're having a coffee break or lunch! Not just come over unannounced, and expect you to drop everything for him. That's not reasonable on his part.

BatchCookBabe · 21/02/2025 16:43

I agree with other posters, he sounds like an utter moron, with the I.Q, and mental age of a 2 year old goat. You're not living together, you don't have joint finances, and you don't have children together. Dump him. You deserve better.

He clearly thinks your job is a joke. He sounds like Ross from FRIENDS when he shits all over Rachel's career in Fashion, like it's nothing, even though she is doing a very important job (a 'Buyer' for a huge Retail outlet in New York.)

Your DP sounds like he has health anxiety too @Inchacha I couldn't be arsed with a man who's always 'ill' and has ongoing 'health problems.' I might sound like a cold hearted cow, but I don't have much patience for people who stress about their health all the time, and always have something 'wrong' with them.

MrsLeonFarrell · 21/02/2025 16:44

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 16:41

He has been self employed for many years and so can pick and choose his work pattern to a certain extent.

Hes nothing like my exh but at the same time this thread has made me question whether he is just as controlling but in a different way. During a spat recently he suggested that I was gaslighting him because I was holding a strong boundary but he recognised this and was pushing back against it because it was obviously what I learnt from my marriage and didn’t know that I was doing it.

Ive just remembered something else too- two years ago I was trying to pay off a massive car repair bill and got a cleaning job in a pub 6 very early mornings a week. One day he insisted on coming with me to “help” - I was absolutely mortified. There was only one other person around to witness this but it was awful. We had a massive falling out about it at the time- he was terribly jealous. Not now- I told him I would end our relationship if they’re was even one more incident of jealousy.

The only reason I mention this is because I am feeling a bit stupid- it illustrates again why I need to end it doesn’t it. Probably also illustrates why I have refused for us to move in together (my gut was telling me something wasn’t it).

Please don't feel stupid. You are listening to your gut and didn't move in together. Now maybe the time to listen to it a bit more closely and stop letting him try to control you.

diddl · 21/02/2025 16:48

What would have happened if you told him you were busy & to go away?

I think it's really odd that you stopped work to make a cup of tea for him.

He should have done that for you!

What was wrong with him yesterday & why is he so worried & why are you indulging this?

DeepFatFried · 21/02/2025 16:49

His extreme intrusion and attention grabbing sounds like jealousy over you time.

He has to come first and will damage your career rather than wait til the end of the working day.

Worry about health, fine, but worry is not a crisis or emergency that entitles him t behave like that.

And beware - the fact that you even considered making him a cup of tea during your meeting shows he is making inroads .

I wouldn't be able to tolerate any of it and would give him the boot - but he may have other credentials worth fighting for IF he sorts out his behaviour.

But jealous controlling types usually don't.

BlueGantry · 21/02/2025 16:50

via a slip of the thumb I accidentally voted yabu but you are absolutely not being unreasonable (YAANBU). A health emergency might justify interrupting your work but this wasn’t. If he’s well enough to come in and joke around in your workspace then it can’t have been essential to receive care from you.

BatchCookBabe · 21/02/2025 16:51

BlueGantry · 21/02/2025 16:50

via a slip of the thumb I accidentally voted yabu but you are absolutely not being unreasonable (YAANBU). A health emergency might justify interrupting your work but this wasn’t. If he’s well enough to come in and joke around in your workspace then it can’t have been essential to receive care from you.

You can click on YANBU and it will change it. Flowers

Dweetfidilove · 21/02/2025 16:51

Dillydollydingdong · 21/02/2025 16:14

He doesn't even live with you FFS! Take his keys off him

Doesn't even seem like he has a key, as the kids let him in.
Even more bewildering that he feels so empowered.

L0bstersLass · 21/02/2025 16:51

@Inchacha don't feel stupid. You've protected your family but not moving in together. Your gut reaction seems to be working perfectly.

Your DP sounds like an arse.

BlueGantry · 21/02/2025 16:52

BatchCookBabe · 21/02/2025 16:51

You can click on YANBU and it will change it. Flowers

Show quote history

thank you so much! 🌹 newbie here

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/02/2025 16:53

I'd buy him a dressing gown of doom to remember you by, tell him why and dump him. Life is too short for this crap.

Teateaandmoretea · 21/02/2025 16:54

OP you have kept him as a boyfriend for a reason - so he is easy to dump. Get on with it.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/02/2025 16:55

@Inchacha

The only reason I mention this is because I am feeling a bit stupid- it illustrates again why I need to end it doesn’t it. Probably also illustrates why I have refused for us to move in together (my gut was telling me something wasn’t it).

Please don't feel stupid! These behaviours happen over a period of time and they take care to see that we don't realize what they're doing. Then suddenly our eyes open and we say "What the hell?" followed by their denials and justifications.

Your gut was telling you, yes. But we (as women) are raised to 'be nice' and 'don't think ill of people'. We're also still somewht raised to think that "a relationship is 50/50 but a woman's 50% is bigger than the man's". That pearl of wisdom was imparted to me pre 1970s women's lib. Bullshit then, bullshit now. But still used to excuse the fact that women still carry a larger share of the relationship 'load'. But one bit of 1970s wisdom I hold onto is "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle".

Bin him. Plenty of fish (without bicycles) in the sea. Or not.

Vaxtable · 21/02/2025 16:58

I would be furious and would be telling him so. How dare he walk in and interrupt your work, would he do that in an office?

He has to learn that during working hours your house is an office. He does not interrupt

I would be taking the key back

Original poster
Inchacha · 21/02/2025 16:58

@diddl he has sporadic symptoms that are similar to a major health issue, multiple trips to a&e and subsequent investigations have confirmed that it is not the major health issue he is concerned about. Everything points to anxiety and he would agree that he does experience anxiety already, about multiple issues (I believe he may have some type of PTSD but of course don’t know this for sure) however he won’t address this and continues to worry/make his family worry because there isn’t actually a formal diagnosis of anything.

OP posts:
CameltoeParkerBowles · 21/02/2025 16:58

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

What a baby! Don't let him move in, or he'll be having a tantrum every time you WFH.

Middlemarch123 · 21/02/2025 16:58

Listen to your gut OP.
You deserve better than this.
His total disrespect of your work speaks volumes.

NoTouch · 21/02/2025 17:00

You are sending out mixed messages. Next time make a shh signal point to the headset and ignore him.

If he jokes around/takes the piss while you are working read him the riot act.

He won't take your work seriously if you don't either.

WilliamWillow · 21/02/2025 17:00

I also hate him coming over unannounced. He knows this.

It really is sound like from this, and your updates, that he is seeing your boundaries as a challenge - any small excuse to break them and he is finding a way to push right through them. Yes, I think you were right to trust your gut over not letting him move in. Sorry @Inchacha 🙁

MounjaroOnMyMind · 21/02/2025 17:01

he will suggest (without saying it mind you) that I am getting a high and mighty opinion of myself and my “important” job

Oh ffs, dump this man for this alone, never mind the rest of it.

BigHeadBertha · 21/02/2025 17:02

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 16:41

He has been self employed for many years and so can pick and choose his work pattern to a certain extent.

Hes nothing like my exh but at the same time this thread has made me question whether he is just as controlling but in a different way. During a spat recently he suggested that I was gaslighting him because I was holding a strong boundary but he recognised this and was pushing back against it because it was obviously what I learnt from my marriage and didn’t know that I was doing it.

Ive just remembered something else too- two years ago I was trying to pay off a massive car repair bill and got a cleaning job in a pub 6 very early mornings a week. One day he insisted on coming with me to “help” - I was absolutely mortified. There was only one other person around to witness this but it was awful. We had a massive falling out about it at the time- he was terribly jealous. Not now- I told him I would end our relationship if they’re was even one more incident of jealousy.

The only reason I mention this is because I am feeling a bit stupid- it illustrates again why I need to end it doesn’t it. Probably also illustrates why I have refused for us to move in together (my gut was telling me something wasn’t it).

Please don't feel stupid because your posts actually show quite a bit of insight.

And most people probably do come with at least a little damage or obnoxiousness. It takes a lot of effort to build a relationship with someone and it can take quite a while before you get know all sides of another person. Also, with at least some of his (strange) behavior, I wondered if it might be partly due to illness-- or mood-altering meds used to treat the illness.

It's easy for people on a forum to tell you to dump someone immediately but it's not at all that quick and simple when it's your life.

I also find it weird how all of the problems with him that you mention seem to center around your work, past and present. Not that it's any excuse but now I'm curious about if he's had some kind of big wife-work (or mother-work) problem in the past or if it's just because your job allows you independence from him.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 21/02/2025 17:04

WilliamWillow · 21/02/2025 17:00

I also hate him coming over unannounced. He knows this.

It really is sound like from this, and your updates, that he is seeing your boundaries as a challenge - any small excuse to break them and he is finding a way to push right through them. Yes, I think you were right to trust your gut over not letting him move in. Sorry @Inchacha 🙁

Yes - this, exactly. He crosses the boundary and then tries to make you feel guilty when you push back. He sounds like an utter twat that you'd be better off without.

DaffodillyDallyDame · 21/02/2025 17:06

Why does he want you to lose your job, @Inchacha?

What alternative arrangement would he prefer?

Personally I couldn’t feel much attraction to someone who deliberately left their home to come and try to destroy my life …