WFH- partner came over unannounced

[Inchacha]

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

@ForZanyAquaViewer yes I thought things had improved since then but they haven’t have they. I had also forgotten all about that incident - currently experiencing a bit of cognitive dissonance. I’ve been trying to ignore what I know haven’t I. Shit.

Are you sure he's not popping in unannounced because he's jealous again and think you are cheating ?

This is NOT the relationship for you.

Exactly my first thoughts. Nobody pops round unannounced these days. I would assume he is checking up on you.

I agree but I don’t think OP would stand up for herself and would probably find it easier using an excuse to create boundaries.

Dump this man.....there's so much that makes him an unsuitable partner.

You deserve better than a disrespectful, boundary less, hypochondriac.

Good lord OP, he sounds controlling and unhinged.
Talk to your children
NO ONE enters your home to see you while you work.

Get rid of him.
He's a prick.
Text him it is over and not to come near your home again.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk do this to help you up your self protections.

I completely agree.

Its one thing for him to come around but for OP to actually leave a video call to make him a cup of tea and ask how is he, is utter madness.

I wouldn’t have even took my eyes off of the screen unless it was a child and that would only be to tell them to go away because I’m working.

Ugh. This would be a dealbreaker for me. I don't care if it's George Clooney, no one is letting themselves into my place unannounced. And his utter disrespect in barging into your video meeting says a lot.

Why on earth does he have keys in the first place? Get those back or change the locks.

This man is a joke.

Er, why? She's in her workplace. If was an office she couldn't and he wouldn't.

After his flounce and huff I'd be giving him the boot. Spoilt brat.

He’s sabotaging you, the selfish childish prick.

He sounds about 5.
Are there no boundaries in your relationship?

Do you want to be with him ?

I’d be absolutely livid. OP I was going to say that you need to make him understand that WFH is the same as being in work and stop him from coming over unannounced. But having read your updates I really think you need to end this. You’ve tried to hold boundaries and he clearly doesn’t respect you or them. It will only get worse. Time to end it and move on.

He sounds like a disrespectful, needy baby. If my kids (eldest 12) behaved like that they’d get a major bollocking. They know the meaning of an “emergency.”

I would honestly instigate a separation- call it trial if you want. He’s clearly trying to manipulate you and belittle your job and he’s training you to think it’s normal to behave like this.

Is my partner important to me, yes. Does this mean that I have to risk my job or otherwise drop everything when he clicks his fingers, absolutely not.

She’s unreasonable in so far as she’s enabled the behaviour up to now. She’s made cups of tea and taken whatever time out she’s been able to, whilst actively engaged in work. That’s clearly not good enough for him and he’s out to sabotage her job. Making odd noises and laughing when he knows she’s online and in a meeting is childish and pathetic. Time to strengthen the boundaries and stick to it, or alternatively send him packing.

@Inchacha tike to call it a day . I would say he was jealous today but wanting your attention and having a strop . So that was his last strike.
Tell him so.
Or just say you don’t want the relationship anymore . End of

You would have been better off breaking up with him after that time he turned up to your early morning cleaning job Op, he didn't really believe you were working because you needed the money did he? He's clingy, jealous and attention seeking, not an attractive combination

@Inchacha I read your first post with growing irritation on your behalf, which only escalated to real concerns when I read all your updates. Your work is important - it keeps a roof over your and your DC's heads and your DP and his health should not take priority over that. Anyway, I have zero sympathy for people who "worry" about their health (and worry their loved ones) when they're not prepared to actually do anything about it. I'm afraid the only reason I would have been calling him this afternoon would have been to end the relationship.
Good luck for the future OP - I think you'll need it if you keep this self-absorbed, demanding man in your life.

Don't let him in. You are working. He shouldn't be hanging round your house whilst you are working.

Making him cups of tea? He has his feet under the table!

Trust your instinct. He's controlling and jealous and you're bearing the brunt of his unresolved trauma. You're not his support animal. He's so manipulative, don't get into a discussion with him where he can just blame you. End it decisively, make it clear there's no changing your mind and then cut contact.

I find it irritating when my husband walks in quietly when I’m on a work call - which I know means IABU 🤣 This would be the end of the line for me. No respect for you or your work.

It’s ok, you’ve been gaslit to hell too.

the way you say he’ll suggest you’re getting above yourself too is really telling

i used to be in an abusive relationship a while back and I get it. This stuff takes time and effort and we have to understand that somewhere there can be a facet to us that provides a challenge to manipulators. Of course if you meet someone without these controlling tendencies, that doesn’t matter, but if you do meet someone who likes to control his partners, and who does show you that he is possessive and jealous these people exploit that vulnerability and gradually show themselves

you’ve batted aside the red flags because nobody wants to face up to it, and confronting them is so daunting. No wonder you didn’t.

but today is different. Not only are your eyes open, but he’s showing you that your boundaries don’t matter, your work doesn’t matter. anyone who says your work shouldn’t matter as much as him is a twat.

I know that all this is embarrassing and uncomfortable for you, but the sooner you’re done with him, the better.

you deserve better.

I don't know what you should do, but this post illustrates brilliantly why WFH is never working, either literally or metaphorically.

It works brilliantly for me