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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WFH- partner came over unannounced

559 replies

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

OP posts:
sososadaboutthis · 21/02/2025 15:42

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

"and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me."

This concerns me slightly. Is there a pattern of him finding reasons to be cross with you?

Mnetcurious · 21/02/2025 15:42

“I also hate him coming over unannounced”

Lay this down as your firm boundary - you cannot come over unannounced because I don’t like it. If you do this again it will prove to me for the final time that you do not respect me and I will have to end the relationship because I will not be in a relationship with someone who disrespects me.

curtaintwitcher78 · 21/02/2025 15:43

He's a narcissistic manchild cunt.

Justlovedogs · 21/02/2025 15:43

Your 'D'P is an arse.
I am WFH this afternoon. DH is also at home, bored, but has popped his head into my office once while I was on a Teams call to bring me a cup of tea. It's all about respect, or lack of, in your case, OP.

afaloren · 21/02/2025 15:44

My DH works from home full-time; keeps the door open for the pets but I never go in the office if I can hear there’s a call on. Even if I can’t hear anything I will peep around the door to see if there’s anyone on screen. And even if there isn’t I still knock! It’s just basic respect, he wouldn’t come into your workplace if you didn’t WFH and do this would he?

Devon24 · 21/02/2025 15:44

He sounds like a third child. You have the secondary problem that he is also sabotaging your work prospects, leaving you and your dc in a very vulnerable position. Why on earth are you allowing this relationship to continue? Your whole livelihood is hanging on the security of your job.

DiscoBallDiva · 21/02/2025 15:44

"as your partner, I should take priority over work" &

"he will suggest (without saying it mind you) that I am getting a high and mighty opinion of myself and my “important” job."

Does he not work himself? Sounds like he has a major chip on his shoulder. I'd run if I was you.

Devon24 · 21/02/2025 15:45

And no your partner is NOT more important than paying for three dependents and a mortgage! Just no.

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 15:46

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 15:12

A few answers-

Adult dc let him in. I didn’t know he was there until I asked dc who had been at the door.

Meeting was a long one with many attendees and it’s not unusual for us to take a few mins out to answer door or go to loo etc so this wasn’t an issue.

I will raise with him the disrespect of interrupting. I do know the response though- he will suggest (without saying it mind you) that I am getting a high and mighty opinion of myself and my “important” job. It’s not necessarily important to the world but it is to me as it pays my mortgage and funds the life of my 3ds and I- 20/16/10.

This doesn’t sound good when I write it down.

OP, that really doesn't sound good - you have obviously done pretty well bringing up 3 kids on your own, and his attitude sounds very disrespectful. I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

GreyAreas · 21/02/2025 15:47

So glad you have spotted it. Will you feel ok about ending it?

SlightlyJaded · 21/02/2025 15:47

"that I am getting a high and mighty opinion of myself and my “important” job."

Excuse me now? 'High and Mighty'? He is a fucking misogynistic twat. The only reason to say that to ANYONE is to 'take them down a peg or two' and stop them getting 'ideas above their station'. This is what he really thinks of you. Even if he doesn't say it out loud - he believes that you are too confident and pleased with yourself for having a job and would do well to remember your priorities (him).

I know people often say 'ditch him' / 'run for the hills' etc and it's sometimes a bit of a knee-jerk over-reaction, but I COULD NOT be with someone so arrogant and who so clearly did not see me as an equal.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/02/2025 15:47

This is why employers are turning against wfh….

theteachesofleeches · 21/02/2025 15:48

Fucking hell that is pathetic - well enough to leave bed/home and come to yours but then arrived and starts having a mardy and demanding attention?! I wouldn't have that from my 19 yo student son let alone a man I am dating. Grim, unappealingly needy and frankly pathetic.

VickyEadieofThigh · 21/02/2025 15:49

GreyAreas · 21/02/2025 15:47

So glad you have spotted it. Will you feel ok about ending it?

All the OP has told us would be more than enough reason for me to bin off this controlling narcissist.

CautiousLurker01 · 21/02/2025 15:49

Sorry, but after that behaviour he would not be my DP any more. He’d be kicked to the kerb. He jeopardised your job and that is unforgivable.

EggFriedRiceAndChips · 21/02/2025 15:50

I would dump him

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 15:50

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 15:30

I’ve not sat down and thought about lots of these things before. I’ve got a history of not setting great boundaries. An emotionally abusive ex-h made sure that I didn’t know a healthy boundary from a shitty one- thought I’d worked on this but seems I need to do more work.

Yes, it sounds like you do I'm afraid, he's not treating you well at all. Are his health concerns serious? They're obviously not acute if he can behave like this.

ScottChegg · 21/02/2025 15:50

At BEST he's an incredibly immature attention seeker. At worst, actively hostile and sabotaging you. Somewhere in between lies passive aggressive manipulation. None of them are good.

Never2many · 21/02/2025 15:50

I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work”

If my partner said something like that I would laugh in his face. Genuinely.

GoldenLegend · 21/02/2025 15:51

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/02/2025 15:47

This is why employers are turning against wfh….

no it’s not

don’t use someone else’s thread to grind your own axe

ScottChegg · 21/02/2025 15:52

NImumconfused · 21/02/2025 15:50

Yes, it sounds like you do I'm afraid, he's not treating you well at all. Are his health concerns serious? They're obviously not acute if he can behave like this.

Show quote history

Are they even real???

User7288339 · 21/02/2025 15:52

Childish, selfish, disrespectful and potential hypochondriac! What a turn off

CautiousLurker01 · 21/02/2025 15:52

Never2many · 21/02/2025 15:50

I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work”

If my partner said something like that I would laugh in his face. Genuinely.

Plus he isn’t really a partner, is he - he’s BF, one who took delight in putting his GF’s job at risk and undermining her in front of her colleagues. In fact, he’s a w@nker.

OP you can do better. And instruct your kids not to let him in again during your work day.

Devon24 · 21/02/2025 15:53

You are also not his mother op!

May09Bump · 21/02/2025 15:54

Sounds like you are / have got into another controlling relationship - I would get rid of him now. He doesn't respect you, your boundaries or your need to work. Thank goodness he's only DP and not living with you.