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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WFH- partner came over unannounced

559 replies

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 21/02/2025 15:54

Run

Monster6 · 21/02/2025 15:54

Man baby.

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/02/2025 15:54

Of course he should take priority over work, if it’s an emergency, not because he fancies a bloody chat! My 3yo can’t understand that I can’t talk to him when I’m working but that’s understandable. How old is your big baby?

Lotsofsnacks · 21/02/2025 15:55

Op please ditch you can do better

FOJN · 21/02/2025 15:55

If you bother to call him at all it should be to read him the riot act about interrupting your work. What an arse.

He wouldn't turn up at an office and behave like that so what makes him think he can do it when you WFH? Why do people seem to have a problem understanding what the W in WFH means?

steppemum · 21/02/2025 15:56

I would not dream of interupting anyone in a work meeting.
Occasionally I have had to leave a note for dh when he is in a meeting and I need an answer to a question or to let him know I'm going out.

There are some serious red flags in his attitude
relationship taking priority over work. - No really not, work has strict paramenters and it pays the bills.
a reson for him to be cross with you - does he do this often? Find rididulous reasons for him to be cross with you? This is classic abusive behaviour that everything is your fault
being sarcastiv about your important job - so he is sabotaging your job? Lack of respect for what matters to you?

Honestly? Think hard about what this guy brings to the relationship because from everything you have said, it sounds as if he is hard work.

SexAndCakes · 21/02/2025 15:57

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 15:12

A few answers-

Adult dc let him in. I didn’t know he was there until I asked dc who had been at the door.

Meeting was a long one with many attendees and it’s not unusual for us to take a few mins out to answer door or go to loo etc so this wasn’t an issue.

I will raise with him the disrespect of interrupting. I do know the response though- he will suggest (without saying it mind you) that I am getting a high and mighty opinion of myself and my “important” job. It’s not necessarily important to the world but it is to me as it pays my mortgage and funds the life of my 3ds and I- 20/16/10.

This doesn’t sound good when I write it down.

Your livelihood IS important. I would be livid if a partner did this to me and tbh it might signal the end. I feel very strongly about being supported in my career because it's the thing that affords me economic independence. Any partner who doesn't support that is a worry IMHO.

MrsLeonFarrell · 21/02/2025 15:57

He ignored your boundaries by coming round unannounced.
He denigrated your work by expecting your attention during the working day.
He interrupted your meeting by making noises.
He has obviously belittled your job in the past.

You are already worried about his reaction to you making a perfectly valid complaint about his behaviour.

I don't think this is the man for you OP.

wholettheturnipsburn · 21/02/2025 15:57

Is his name Ross?

Totally childish and inappropriate behaviour.

What does he do for you OP?

Dinoswearunderpants · 21/02/2025 15:59

Such disrespectful behaviour. How long have you been together? I'd be having a serious conversation about boundaries.

When you say health issues, are they really bad or not? I mean if he's been diagnosed with cancer, yes I'd try to be more supportive but if he's got a cold he can do one.

outerspacepotato · 21/02/2025 16:00

I think this guy is deliberately trying to sabotage your job.

Break up with him. He's messing with your job and your ability to put a roof over your kids' heads and food on the table.

How long have you been with this jewel of a man baby?

Ickity · 21/02/2025 16:00

Would he turn up at the office and sit there infront of your colleagues telling you to stop working and fuss over him?

survivingunderarock · 21/02/2025 16:01

Crikey! My partner WFH and I don't even speak to him unless he engages first, even when I come home from my job. How utterly disrespectful of him.

Eldermilleniallyogii · 21/02/2025 16:02

Nope. I'd put the sash lock or chain on so be can't come in (if he's got a key). Surely if you were out at work in an office he wouldn't just walk in? I think you need to tell him he can't come over unannounced especially during work hours any more.

Dobble99 · 21/02/2025 16:02

How old is this child? I mean partner?

If this is an honest post not sure why you put up with this childish behaviour

Warmhandscoldheart · 21/02/2025 16:03

GigiGrey · 21/02/2025 15:04

Your home is your workplace during your working hours, not a drop in centre. He wouldn't drop into your office and interrupt you in the middle of the working day if you were office based.

The reaction you're anticipating from him isn't okay! He shouldn't be trying to make you feel guilty for not pandering to his inappropriate behaviour.

Totally agree 👏

OldChairMan · 21/02/2025 16:05

Given that you mention an abusive ex as well, OP, have you looked at the Freedom Programme:

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php

and Lundy Bancroft's work:

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

IfItWasUpToMeIWould · 21/02/2025 16:07

THIS…
“I will raise with him the disrespect of interrupting. I do know the response though- he will suggest (without saying it mind you) that I am getting a high and mighty opinion of myself and my “important” job. It’s not necessarily important to the world but it is to me as it pays my mortgage and funds the life of my 3ds and I- 20/16/10”

…I wouldn’t even call him. Walking in on you during work time is bad enough, but to behave like an imbecile making silly noises so you terminate the call is beyond disrespectful.

So clearly he feels threatened by your working role, he would probably rather have a partner that is in a ‘dead end minimum wage’ job (sorry for that description, not meant derogatory, I have no issue with minimum wage jobs, I’m seeing it as best I can through his eyes) so that he can feel better about himself. He’s an arsehole.
As for his ‘High and Mighty opinion of yourself’ comment, my response would be, “Well one of us needs to have a high opinion of me, because you certainly don’t, what does that say about our relationship? Partners are supposed to be proud and supportive of each other, but this feels a little one sided and I’m sorry but everything isn’t about you”.
He should be proud of your accomplishments and the fact you are in a position to provide for your DC’s and pay the mortgage singlehanded. I applaud you.

Do you really want to stay with a man child who has little respect for you? He won’t change, and in addition you are not responsible for his health problems unless he was in the midst of a cardiac arrest and required emergency treatment. There was no excuse for interrupting your work.

Tell him to grow up or move on, and if he starts tell him the guilt inducing statements won’t work anymore. He’s a grown man FFS. Honestly it’s your choice, but alarm bells are ringing here and I would terminate the relationship.

StillTooOldToCare · 21/02/2025 16:08

I know a lot of posts have pointed this out but i too feel this is really nasty, its self centred behavior, yes he's looking for drama as you said, and there is no excuse, if your ten year-old was say off school sick and did it, i bet you wouldn't put up with it or make excuses, I don't like your posts as it implies you can see he has a reason and this is a not a once off. He doesn't, he is belittling you in his actions and words, worse he is negatively impacting your work life, please tell me that he has a job that you can just pop into unannounced while he is in a meeting , and expect him to make you tea, and interrupt him again after 20 mins, then again, or maybe you can ring him at 3 am to tell him him behaviour is unacceptable - because "as his partner your need for a serious chat , is more important than his sleep"

Therealjudgejudy · 21/02/2025 16:08

Cant believe what im reading.

He is a prick who needs dumping.

ThreeMagicNumber · 21/02/2025 16:12

What are his good points op? Because from what you have listed so far about him, if I were a single mum to my three kids I couldn't be arsed with his nonsense.

MissDoubleU · 21/02/2025 16:12

NZDreaming · 21/02/2025 15:31

@Inchacha lets make a list:

  • disregard your boundaries by coming over unannounced
  • embarrassed you in front of colleagues
  • disrespects your career
  • sulks when he doesn’t get the attention he wants
  • stonewalls you to punish you for not doing what he wanted

Have I missed anything?

100% this. Bin him, he’s shown you exactly who he is and how little respect he has for you.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 21/02/2025 16:13

Controlling and abusive.
Your DC are your priority and your job is after that as your wage keeps a roof over their heads.
And he can’t have been that ill to come over to your home.
He will have known your DC were off on half term as well the CF.
Get a bolt on the door and bolt from him.
It is not going to get better.

Dweetfidilove · 21/02/2025 16:13

NZDreaming · 21/02/2025 15:31

@Inchacha lets make a list:

  • disregard your boundaries by coming over unannounced
  • embarrassed you in front of colleagues
  • disrespects your career
  • sulks when he doesn’t get the attention he wants
  • stonewalls you to punish you for not doing what he wanted

Have I missed anything?

Perfect list.

What does this man bring to your life that outweighs all this?

Are your children aware that he's being allowed to just walk all over you? How does this impact your relationship with them and the regard they have for you?

MeridianB · 21/02/2025 16:13

Sorry OP but I agree with everyone saying this is sinister behaviour and these are not the actions of a decent, caring partner.

Not sure how long you have been seeing him but I'm pleased you're now joining the dots. Time to say goodbye to him. Also worth exploring the Freedom Programme (Google for more info) to help you repeating unhelpful patterns. 💐