WFH- partner came over unannounced

[Inchacha]

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

OP said it was the driver's door, so worse.

Suuuuure he didn’t know you were in the middle of a work call. If you weren’t WFH, would he burst into your meeting room at the office and put on the same “show”? He has absolutely no respect that WFH is WORKING and should be given the same respect as if you were on the office. Dick. I’m glad he’s in your rear view mirror.

Well done Op for ending it and taking the steps that you have to distance yourself.
Enjoy your meet-up with your friends.

Check with 101 for advice and ask them to put a mark on your number and address.
Give his name and tell them you are nervous having broken up with a controlling jealous man.

THEN you can text him if he contacts you again and let him know that you have sought advice from the police about him and have a mark on your house.

Little bullying pricks like him absolutely hate any police involvement.
Their egos can't stand it.
Other men in authority having control.

This would give me the ick! Would feel like dating a 12 year old 🤢

It was the last straw, not an isolated event.

I’d have binned him off just for that nonsense, let alone all the controlling jealousy shit he’s pulled - knowing your location, randomly popping in (more likely to check you were where your phone was and that you wasn’t entertaining another bloke!)

Hi OP, I'm sorry you didn't have a good night's sleep (understandable) and hope you have a better day. I think you're handling this brilliantly now you've recognised his behaviour for what it is - controlling. That's why he wants to "talk" to you - he's lost control of you and he wants to try to get it back. I'm so glad you know you don't have to speak to him and you're insisting you won't - there's nothing to talk about - a partner should just love you, not control you, and he will never learn this. He'll do what all controlling men do when given a second chance - behave themselves for a few days and then revert to type. It's clear from your posts you really understand this and I'm so glad you do. 😊
Have a lovely day OP. I hope he hasn't come round early today and that when.you get back from your coffee his box of stuff has gone (and if not, do as a pp has suggested, dump it on his doorstep unannounced!) 🤗

I think you mentioned that he also has (grown up?) children. I wonder why his previous relationship with their mother ended....

One person on a forum had an issue and dealt with it = working from home doesn’t work at all.

Ridiclous

He said that he didn’t know I was on a call or even that the noises would have been audible anyway (of course he did. I’d been talking ffs!)
As you say of course he knew, but he is unable to back down, has to be the person in the right and so his impulse is to lie, spin it around and blame you.

So when I quite calmly also asked him not to turn up without letting me know he was furious. Said he thought we’d got past me being silly about that and that it was ridiculous to say that he could not just show up and what on earth was I hiding that meant he couldn’t.
Flies into a rage because you want to be a separate individual with some privacy, because he can't have everything on his terms and because you won't defer to his every wish.
I would just get rid, all he will do is try to dominate and sabotage you to keep you beneath him.
🚹
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I was right and he turned up at 9am. I was upstairs and watched him via my ring doorbell app but didn’t answer the door/ speak to him. He tried the key box when I didn’t answer the door the first two times he knocked and was visibly cross that the keys weren’t there. I hadn’t been up long so hadn’t put his stuff on the doorstep. - I mailed him (blocked on phone) to s

He did leave though and didn’t hang about. Emailed me suggesting that I was doing something odd re: hiding spare key though!

I mailed him when I was on my way out (blocked on phone now) to say it was now on doorstep. Just got back and he’s collected it.

Am a bit nervous about whether he will turn up again though so will keep my wits about me for the foreseeable.

Had a lovely coffee with some dear friends and shared with them the relief at having ended it. They have known that the relationship hasn’t been fun for a while- that’s just how it felt, like a chore rather than enjoyable- and were glad that I have made a decision. I’m not in the least bit sad or down in the dumps, instead I am excited to have more free time and looking forward to Spring. I do love this time of year!

Thank you MNers for all your support and helping me see straight.

Proud of you! You’ve handled this really beautifully and with strength. Keep your boundaries strong. You ended the relationship, very very odd of him to assume he can still have access to your spare key (ergo your home) ! Just more evidence you’ve done the right thing, as is your friends support. Celebrate your new found freedom!

Well done @Inchacha

Well done OP.

However, you now have a tape of your ex partner trying to enter your home without permission.
Serious shit.
He should not have done that.

Do not hesitate to contact the police and mention this.
Stay safe.
Police are used to dealing with scum like him.

So he was going to let himself in! The arrogance of this man!

You are well rid OP. Do be careful though. I suspect he still thinks he can bully you back into a relationship once you have “got over yourself “

...and charge up to the bedroom, no doubt.

From experience, the pestering lasted for about three months, mostly consisting of finding ways to find somebody to pass messages on (your friend's A&E might have a few visits where he goes on about how he knows you've been having an affair and he just wants closure, etc, etc, or attempting to contact your older DC via social media with 'I've got some terrible news'), the odd 'I was just passing through and thought you might like a coffee' and 'You've still got my...I can't remember, I just need to come in and I'll remember what it is once I've looked in your bedroom for evidence of a man' and so on.

Might be a couple of incidences of being parked down the road or leaving something by your front garden that you know is him.

It's all rather boring, really.

OP, from what you've said I think his end game was moving in with you, taking over your home for his benefit. He was already acting as if he owned the place wasn't he!

Well done @Inchacha , hopefully now he's got his stuff and he knows the spare key has gone he'll get the message. If you get any phone calls from unknown numbers over the weekend I'd just ignore them.

I don't want to be alarmist but (from the way he has behaved as if you are his property) it sounds as if he might have the potential to turn stalkerish.

@Inchacha "Emailed me suggesting that I was doing something odd re: hiding spare key though!" More gas-lighting OP, suggesting your behaviour for removing the key was "odd" whilst thinking his behaviour in trying to gain access to your home (trespass) after you've ended the relationship is perfectly reasonable! 🙄I think you're absolutely right to keep your guard up for now OP, as these type of controlling men take a while to get the message that they can't always have what they want, but I'm SO impressed with the way you're handling this - well done and enjoy your new-found freedom not having to pander to this pillock. 🤗

Well done @Inchacha you are handling a tough situation very well. Try to spend as much time as possible with family and friends who love and respect you over the coming days/weeks.

So he tried to get your spare key but you’re the one who’s odd for having taken it out of the box? LOL. 😂

Oh, he's just an immature arsehole!

Well done 👏
And good thinking to remove the key!
How absolutely DARE HE!! Thinking he can just let himself into your home 😡
Good riddance to bad rubbish!

That feeling of relief and joy is all you need to remember ✨️ 😊