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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WFH- partner came over unannounced

559 replies

Inchacha · 21/02/2025 14:56

I mainly WFH. I was in a video call meeting earlier when DP arrived at my house unannounced (we don’t live together). He was unwell yesterday and I know he is really worried about his health, I made my excuses from my call for a few mins whilst I said hello to and made him a cup of tea, checked how he was feeling and apologised that I couldn’t take more time out of my meeting (sometimes when he pops over unannounced I might be able to grab 15 mins but not always). I rejoined my call.

DP then interrupted me after 20 mins or so by coming into my office, made stupid noises and laughed when I muted my call and asked him to keep it down. I was really embarrassed. He left but 20 mins later came back and said he was going and it was clear he was pretty cross that I hadn’t made more effort to fuss round him.

I understand that he is scared about his health and wanted more support than I gave him. But AIBU to think that I shouldn’t have just dropped everything? I know that when I call him in a minute he’ll say something along the lines of “as your partner I should take priority over work” or something like that and it will be the start of a reason to be cross with me.

OP posts:
IridiumSky · 22/02/2025 01:22

He made stupid noises when you’re in a work call?

OP, please be careful. It’s illegal to date a twelve year old.

user1492757084 · 22/02/2025 01:26

Unwarrented for him to be interupting your work.
I would revisit him being unwell. Agree that you will fuss over each other's health in your personal time but not during work hours.
Let each other know when your lunch breaks are while either of you are sick so that contact can be made without disruption.

Tell your partner that next time he interupts your work you will assume that he has had a massive turn for the worse and you will be calling an ambulance for him.

Crazyworldmum · 22/02/2025 01:43

How unwell is he ? The flu or something really scary ?

LondonLawyer · 22/02/2025 02:19

Unless the "really worried about my health" was the sort of "chest pains / arm falling off / blood everywhere" type of worry, he was being a PITA.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 22/02/2025 03:44

He barged into your office while you were in a meeting and made stupid noises? What a complete turn-off. Is he twelve?

He's also displaying abusive behaviour. If he tries to sabotage your work now, and gets cross with you for not paying attention to him during work hours and when you're actually in a meeting then I dread to think what it would be like if you were tied to him in some way. Mortgage, pooled funds, marriage, baby, or any other way. Because that's when abusers take the mask off and ramp it up. This episode was his mask slipping. Normal adults do not act like this about their partner being at work.

It sounds like he has some health issues, so if I were you, I'd see him through those, until he's a bit better, and then I would do some serious thinking about whether you want to chance a future with this person.

ThisFluentBiscuit · 22/02/2025 03:54

Sorry OP - read your updates now. So glad you've ended things. He sounds insane! The story about him turning up to your pub job all cross because you were working, omg.

You'll find that the peace will be marvellous!

thornbury · 22/02/2025 04:28

I am glad you saw the light. I hope he leaves you alone from now on, and your sons.

Ponderingwindow · 22/02/2025 04:56

I understand it was the kind of meeting you could step away for a minute, but those minutes should have been to attend to your own needs.

the most he should have gotten was a quick hello and for you to let him know that you are in a meeting until X (and perhaps a quick reminder that your work day ends at y)

WillIEverBeOk · 22/02/2025 05:23

What a toxic, controlling master manipulator and gaslighter he is! I wonder if he even has any health problems since tests showed he didn't. My belief is that he was inventing health problems to manipulate you. Probably the only problem he has is psychological. He truly sounds dangerous and fucked up in the head. You are well rid of him. NEVER let him back, no matter what.

Original poster
Inchacha · 22/02/2025 06:19

I haven’t slept well. He called/messaged me at 04:20 - I didn’t answer. (Didn’t actually know as my phone is on silent overnight bar contact from the boys, but the cat woke me shortly after to go out and I noticed it when checking the time).

He wants to come over today to collect some bits, and talk. I don’t want to. I’ve already arranged to meet friends for coffee so will message him to say that I don’t want to speak to him but I will leave his things on the doorstep. I wouldn’t put it past him to turn up early in the day though- like 8am- so he knows there is a high likelihood of me still being in.

Whilst I am out for coffee I will get a new lock for the front door.

To the poster asking about whether he has my iCloud access- no I’d just added him to the “find my” function on my phone to allow him to see my location but have now removed him.

Someone else asked about this- yes it was his idea. I didn’t have it on his.

OP posts:
Startoftheyear2025 · 22/02/2025 06:28

You sound fantastic @Inchachaand you’ll get through this. Great boundaries.

ilovelamp82 · 22/02/2025 06:30

Stay safe OP. I'm glad you have you ds there if he does come round unannounced. Putting his stuff on the doorstep and changing the locks sounds like a great idea. Hopefully he'll just collect and leave you alone.

Beesandhoney123 · 22/02/2025 06:39

Take him off your find my phone location thing. You must do this . You aren't together. The relationship is over. He should never have had it anyway. Does he know any of your passwords? Email ?

Don't meet him. You don't have to. Ever!

Put his stuff in a box and ask a friend to go with you to do so- drop it at his house. Don't tell him you are going.

Send him one last text that says please stop contacting me. Your stuff is not at my house. If you persist, i will report to the police. Screenshot and block.

You don't owe him anything. Go and see your friends. Call the police if he turns up and Don't Let Him In.

stayathomer · 22/02/2025 06:46

You did loads for him but a lot of the comments here are ridiculous, people can be worried about their health without being in icu and do sometimes act irrational as a result. Mn jumping to leave the bastard because he acted like an idiot the way you described in your op makes me wonder how anyone stays with anyone!!!!!!

BigHeadBertha · 22/02/2025 06:55

Okay, so now that this issue is just about resolved, would it be too much to ask what kind of noises he was making, exactly? I mean, are we talking pig noises or fart noises or what? I simply must know! 😂

ZekeZeke · 22/02/2025 07:04

He will try to work his way back in, make false promises....but you sound very strong OP
It's great you won't be there when he calls around. I would do exactly as you have described, go have coffee wirh your friends, leave his stuff in the box and change the locks.
Confide in your friendship group. You've done nothing wrong.

ScottChegg · 22/02/2025 07:14

BigHeadBertha · 22/02/2025 06:55

Okay, so now that this issue is just about resolved, would it be too much to ask what kind of noises he was making, exactly? I mean, are we talking pig noises or fart noises or what? I simply must know! 😂

Edited

I'll admit I was wondering this too! The mind boggles.

Original poster
Inchacha · 22/02/2025 07:18

BigHeadBertha · 22/02/2025 06:55

Okay, so now that this issue is just about resolved, would it be too much to ask what kind of noises he was making, exactly? I mean, are we talking pig noises or fart noises or what? I simply must know! 😂

Edited

😂😂😂

Fart noises. And a bit of jazzy scat, scoo badibblendeeda 😂😂

OP posts:
SeamsLegit · 22/02/2025 07:21

Omg the cringe is going to kill me!!!!!!!!! What a lucky escape, not a second too soon!

RetroTotty · 22/02/2025 07:24

Someone else asked about this- yes it was his idea. I didn’t have it on his.

Quelle surprise! 🙄

ScottChegg · 22/02/2025 07:24

Dear God. 😦🤣

ScottChegg · 22/02/2025 07:35

It's just amazing sometimes the utter shit they talk. He claimed he didn't know you were on a call but I'm assuming he didn't normally announce his arrival in a room by channeling scat man and a five year old boy.

MinnieGirl · 22/02/2025 08:19

Beesandhoney123 · 22/02/2025 06:39

Take him off your find my phone location thing. You must do this . You aren't together. The relationship is over. He should never have had it anyway. Does he know any of your passwords? Email ?

Don't meet him. You don't have to. Ever!

Put his stuff in a box and ask a friend to go with you to do so- drop it at his house. Don't tell him you are going.

Send him one last text that says please stop contacting me. Your stuff is not at my house. If you persist, i will report to the police. Screenshot and block.

You don't owe him anything. Go and see your friends. Call the police if he turns up and Don't Let Him In.

Taking the stuff to his house with a friend is a much better idea. It takes the control away from him and he then has no need to come to your house. Don't tell him in advance just turn up. Don't go into the house just leave on the doorstep

thepariscrimefiles · 22/02/2025 08:25

Hwi · 21/02/2025 22:39

That is exactly what I meant - you can hardly compare finance, accountancy, law, anything digital and marketing with the work of teachers, non-GP doctors, bus/plane/train drivers, hairdressers, dentists, nurses, etc. That is what I meant.

Show quote history

Compare in what way? Do you mean that finance, accountancy and law are unnecessary non-jobs that could all end today with no ill effects on society?

What about creative jobs? I would imagine that most great art and literature was produced at home.

I think what you really mean is that you disagree with people working from home even if a job role can be carried out just as efficiently and effectively as working in an office.

As on most threads, your views are goady and downright odd and you seem to prefer to derail a thread rather than provide any help and support to the OP.

Spacehop · 22/02/2025 08:30

stayathomer · 22/02/2025 06:46

You did loads for him but a lot of the comments here are ridiculous, people can be worried about their health without being in icu and do sometimes act irrational as a result. Mn jumping to leave the bastard because he acted like an idiot the way you described in your op makes me wonder how anyone stays with anyone!!!!!!

It's not just about illness. It's about a pattern of behaviours that women on here recognise that reek of entitlement and control. People in healthy relationships shouldn't be constantly on eggshells not trying to upset their partners. They shouldn't have to justify their social activities. They shouldn't have to explain that their job is important. If you don't get this then you need to educate yourself on how controlling people operate. Relationships should enhance your life not undermine it.

OP I really admire you. You are doing precisely the right thing. Him coming out and trying to open the passenger door was quite chilling to me.